Nicahh - The Scattered Pages
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_I've never wrote a journal before. I've never knew why anyone would want to. Just seemed like a huge waste of time and energy if you asked me. But now, it's been nearly six years I've spent alone, maybe longer. I've stopped counting. Not that it matters. But the point is, I've stopped running. I don't see my master's face everywhere I look, and the feeling of boredom has slowly been creeping up on me, though a constant fear of being captured still remains. I'm still going to keep traveling southwest, the woods here seem full of life and maybe one day I will find a village I wish to stay in with faces I don't know.
So, I found this blank book upon a dead man, goblins having killed him and taken everything of value off of his body. I was disappointed to find the book empty, the few books I carry upon me I have read so many times I have them memorized and I was hoping to find something new to entertain me. Not a bad day though, they left his food behind, and a fur coat. My coat was getting worn, and it was nice to have something to eat besides the vegetation I can gather in the woods. He also carried a fresh loaf of bread upon him, and I can't remember eating anything that tasted sweeter in my life.
The dried meats he carried I fed to the creatures of the woods. I still can't eat meat. Doubt I ever will. Tasting your own blood slightly sours your stomach to the possibility of eatting flesh ever again. It's been years since the metalic taste has graced my lips, but I still gag at the rememberance of such.
Well, the sun is going down, I can hardly see to write now and I need to find shelter before the goblins sniff me out. Maybe tomorrow I will write again, since this did not seem as stupid as I thought it would be._
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_More kids dead, screaming, crying, pain, suffering. Above all, they cry out for me. Need, want my attention. I give some, they want more. They keep taking like little leeches. My head aches, my body sore. Jerr tells me to decide, I'm about to tell him to fuck off.
Remember this day and the chains you felt.
Running is always an option, and often life preserving. Never forget that._
_I dreamed the other night about my chains. Self applied. I dreamed of children, all about, screaming and crying, needing. I am not good at being a provider for those completely dependent. I can't do this.
Rhoni tries to show me a way out, all others just accept this is my new life. Those I thought that loved me, Anakore, Rolan, just don't come about. I'm busy, why help me? My use is over, I'm old, just another girl. Bless Rhoni's heart for convincing me to leave, when a stranger could so clearly see I was on edge, and those that profess love just walk away.
"Just one day in Peltarch" he requested, "one day away from -that- house", he said. One day in Peltarch turned into three. First day was enjoying the silence, yet in his company. Few words spoken, just smiles exchanged. Second day alone, in the banite house. Cold, silent, empty; it was perfect. The last day, as I pondered my trip south, Barrim caught me in a moment of pure self-indulgence, lost in thought. Nearly an entire day was spent just talking to him.
That man confuses me; mostly because he is a iceberg. Cold and slowly advancing, yet most of him is hidden from sight. "Ponder your death" he kept saying. "Makes life sharper." I suppose he is right. However, I can't imagine death, seems far away. I ponder everybody else’s death, imagine how they will pass. Don't really spend much time on mine.
Spent an evening with Jerr when I got home, I think he understands he can not pressure me. Make demands, and I will leave. It was nice to hear him telling me to take time to myself, when I had just arrived.
Freedom again, yet I choose to stay, for now._
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_I think Rhoni is going to go off and kill someone I know soon. I personally hope it is Rolan, which would be completely justified in my opinion. Rolan just kept trying to push Rhoni's buttons, to incite a fight the other night. I don't know what all was said, I could only take so much of Rolan bad mouthing me before I walked away, knowing come a few weeks, maybe months, he will crawl back and apologize. He needs to be put in place, or people need to stop raising him when he dies for being foolish. For once let the people decide when someone’s time is up, verses letting the gods see fit for him to come back and annoy the shit out of us. He best pray he not fall near me, for his body will be properly burned and ashes scattered to the wind, if I could get away with it. Perhaps that is harsher than I truly mean or feel, but damn, he really pissed me off. However, for now, back to Rhoni.
I am not even going to begin to guess how many people have approached him regarding me. I suppose it would get old to be called some woman's newest boy toy or your life being threatened if you hurt someone you have little to no feelings for. Well, that is not really a fair assessment, I know he likes me, if not he would have walked away long ago or killed some of my so called friends that he says hides behind my friendship so they can insult him with no penalty. I'm not sure I would be able to display the tolerance he shows. I personally think he is saving up his fury. Waiting for that one person who catches him on the wrong day, then just completely obliterates them. What a beautiful fight that will be to see. The release of tension, the barbaric nature of man. I pray it is not a friend of mine that pushes him to that point, it would be amazing to see him tear someone apart, if I can watch with no personal attachment to the victim involved.
Anakore told me in years past Rhoni had been one of his knights, a mage of sorts. If such magic still runs through his veins, I can not see it. I can only imagine what he would have been like back then; I don't see him being happy with such powers. With power comes responsibility and commitment, and truly this man loves his freedom. I think it is taxing for him at times to travel with folks. To attempt to protect your party, to feign interest in their welfare. But alas, perhaps I judge him too harshly myself. But, he brings it upon himself, being so god damn impossible to read. Just when I think I have figured him out, that cocky grin appears, he kisses my forehead, then wonders off. It drives me insane. He did warn me that he was a "mountain I could not climb". But, perhaps he does not understand, I am no mountaineer. I've never traveled the conventional path; I get inside you and work my way up._
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_They do not understand why I grieve. They see the death of a banite named Zanetar, I see the death of Zanetar. There is a difference. I did not love the banite, I did not respect the banite, I loved the man. I hated the images he portrayed, I hated the attention he attracted, I hated his commands, I hated his leadership, I grew to hate everytime he kneeled to pray.
I grieve for the man whose hands were so large Percy could barely grasp his finger when he taught our son to walk. I grieve for the man who laid in bed beside me, reciting poetry, telling me I was beautiful. Will THEY ever understand the difference? No, never. They will cheer about his death, they will pat one another on the back for his foolishness, just another banite dead. To an extent, they are right. Just for them, he was just another banite.
I grieve for the death of my friend, the father of my son, a champion of my heart, despite what people thought of him. I won't feel guilty for this._
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_Her hand trembled holding the quill, as an inkblot dripped off its end, splattering upon the blank page in her journal. She had gotten angry. Not only had she gotten angry, she had let it be seen. What had happened to spark the anger she was not so sure about. She blamed it upon the bitchy elf's selfishness, but selfishness was common, so that could not be it. She knew her anger had only been compounded when she had let the woman get to her. Where had her neutral mask been? Why had she spoken up, when silence had always been her forte? She had betrayed herself that day; she had not been able to hide for the first time in years, and she hated it. Someone would pay.
Her mind raced as she attempted to take notes, to grab onto a thought and explore it fully. Revenge, revenge, revenge… it had been on her mind so thickly the first few hours. How rational thoughts had broken through, she was unsure. Kill the elf. Simple, easy, here is the obstacle; here is how to overcome it. But the thoughts of it were empty and though the vision of seeing her die by her hands was pleasing, it did not give her a feeling of completion.
She had never been good at murder. Sure her hands were well trained and she had nearly mastered the art of moving from shadow to shadow as she stalked her prey, but sometimes death was just too quick. When you snap someone’s neck they do not have time to ponder the path of their life, what had lead them to this moment, or to regret their actions. When you poison their soul, their mind or even their body, they feel the effects. It is slow and creeping, spreading throughout their being sucking the life from them. These types of deaths she enjoyed. She found a sick solace in the fact that she could evoke such in a person. Perhaps she had not changed as much as she and others had thought. Perhaps such had just lay dormant, waiting for it's chance to arise.
Slowly her anger calmed as her mind formulated the plan. She thought of her obstacles, of everything that could go wrong, then of how everything could just go right. Closing the journal she rolled over upon her bed, staring up at the ceiling of her room. The house was silent, she was completely alone. The solitude felt right. It was not cold and empty like Rolan had said it would be, it was comforting._
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_The first person Zanetar ever asked me to convert has come back into life, Olivia Lyonsbane. Olivia was one of the few women I felt that I had ever connected with. It does not mean by any stretch of the imagination that I have convinced myself I truly know and understand her, but she is someone that it brightens my day to see. Her and Keira both do that to me. Maybe it is because I truly don't know them and they both seem like this complex riddle that gets more interesting as time passes. Or maybe it was because neither of them ever tried to change me, they just accepted me as is.
I still don't know if Olivia is aware of the relationship between me and Anakore, she still holds quite a bit of spite for him. I love Anakore, I do, but I can understand how most women would not be able to tolerate him. He borders on being completely selfish it would seem, but in all actuallity, it is just he is strong and committed to his beliefs and won't let anyone change that. Did he cheat on Olivia, yes. Were they in an exclusive relationship, he says no, she says yes, and I hesitate to judge. I want to believe them both, and I know that the whole mess between them was because of the grey areas they had not discussed in their relationship. But as she said, it is in the past.
I extended my hand to her today, even offered the aid of the Sisterhood to her, should she need it. I don't care about how others feel about her, I know deep down, she is not just a woman filled with hate, nor just a cold blooded hunter. Just another person looking for their place in this world. She needs family and fellowship as much as anybody else, and it is a shame to see what groups would offer such when people are down on their luck. Generally it is just groups looking for foot soldiers or numbers to back their causes. Or you have the ones that rather than accept that people make mistakes, just turn their backs on them. That is why it was so easy for people like me to convert others to whatever faith I fancied that week. I promised them brighter days, and that someone would always be there to back them. Impossible promises to keep, but damn they sound appealling.
I often wonder if I am doing the same thing with my Sisters, but then people like Ria wonder up to me, and I find myself in awe of how devout she is to her new family. Nyda is another wonderful example, she too would do anything for any of us, at all expenses to herself. I say I would do the same, but I wonder, am I really that strong? Am I selfless like my Sisters are, or will I walk away when the time is right? Sy'wyn has always told me to be prepared to walk the path alone, we all venture on our own and we can't count on anyone but ourselves. For right now though, I'm going do my best to trust them and hope I don't fail them also._
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((Maybe a bit adult oriented, so if you don't like those kind of stories…don't read this one.))
_I do not know what came over me yesterday. Perhaps it was loneliness; perhaps it was just a chaotic moment in my soul.
I had spent the day in the company of Anakore, Captain to the Cerulean Knights. He is a charming man, handsome, confident. I admit that since my first meeting with him I found him attractive, however I can't admit that I desired him. So how such events transpired, I am not entirely sure. He and I had sat outside of Peltarch, near the gates, his son playing in the tall grass near us. Some fools had left the gates open and a small army of kobolds came running towards us. I instantly grabbed Nickolai and ran with him as Anakore drew his blades and killed the beasts. Anakore ran to me, grabbing Nick out of my arms before I could even speak. His concern for his child was overwhelming and I felt a pang of desire for such a man. Not that Zanetar is not a good man, he is away visiting Pernicious and has promised to bring him back this time, I was told by Arien, but it has been months and I have heard nothing from him. Not the point though.
Darkness was closing in upon us when he decided it was time to take Nick home. He asked me if I would wait for him while he tucked his son in since I am banned from the Bardic College and could not join him. So, we met outside the gates and decided to take a walk. After a short while we sat along the lake, the cold winds from it blowing over us as we just talked. It had been a long time since a man had simply sat down and spoken with me. We talked about everything and nothing, him often stirring the conversation back to why I am still with Zanetar. I do not know how I found myself sitting so close to him, I don't remember when he picked me up and placed me in his lap. I do clearly remember his hands upon my back. I clearly remember the sensation of his fingers tracing my scars. And I remember the racing of my heart as I felt him loosen the strapping of the leather bodice I wore. I have to admit I was completely in shock as he leaned forward kissing the side of my neck, his teeth grazing my skin.
I may have panicked at this point. I just remember sitting topless in his lap, his hands upon my breasts, lips upon my neck and me wishing I was anywhere but here at this moment. In my free life, I can not remember a man having such control over me unless I gave it to him. For this man, this stranger, to have me in such a position I was mortified. As my mind raced, I felt his hand upon my cheek and I turned to face him. It felt like a barrier had crumbled between us as his lips pressed against mine and our bodies reacted in unison. All concerns I had about Zanetar left me as a heat rose in my body and he pressed me to the chilled ground. As if a wild beast had been released, I found myself clawing at his clothing, pressing my bare skin against his. I remember his taste; I remember the feeling of my teeth upon his flesh. Then I felt it, the exquisite pain of him joining with me. It was an amazing sensation; the cold winds of the lake blowing across my flesh as this near stranger took me at the rising of the dawn.
It was so odd waking up next to him, his powerful arms wrapped about me. The fire he had built had long died out and by the positioning of the sun, it was well past noon. Although my first instinct was to run, to get dressed and leave, I was compelled to lay at his side and just gaze upon his handsome face. He slept so peacefully at my side, despite him expressing the night before that he did not trust women in general. I attempted to slip away from him after a while, but he woke, propping himself up on his elbows, gazing at me sleepily as I dressed. It was an odd sensation, him watching me, me fumbling over my words as he approached. Then he spoke some of the most honest words I had ever heard. They were not laced with emotion or excuses, just simple honest words. "Two adults that spent an amazing evening together. Nothing more, nothing less. I shall expect nothing further of you and you expect nothing from me. No guilt." And it was just that simple. I dressed, he dressed and we wondered back towards Peltarch.
I have not seen him since, but I must admit I am curious to what our next interaction will be like. Will he treat me as if nothing happened, as if I am just that girl that he talks to when others are not demanding his attention? Or will he seek out my company? I know he said nothing more, but I am not so sure I would be opposed seeing him again. But then again, I just wish Zanetar would come home and I would not have to worry about seeking someone to keep me company._
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_There is a young couple I have taken an interest in wondering around Oscura lately. The man, tall, muscular and rather handsome, towers over what I suspect is a woman carrying his child. They are a young Banite couple. When I look at them, I can't help but see Zanetar and myself. He is strong in his faith and she seems to adore him completely. Be it love between them, or some odd sense of respect, I don't know.
As she waddles around, him at her side, I can not help but think about the long walks Zanetar and I would take around Arnath. In private he would whisper to me of what our future held. Everytime they lower their voices I wonder what secrets they exchange, what dreams they share.
I can not help but be curious about their future. Will they walk the same path I walked with Zanetar? Will he leave her when she needs him the most, or will she stay at his side despite all the hardships they will encounter? Will she lose her faith, while his grows stronger and stronger everyday, tearing them apart completely? So many questions race through my mind when I see them. It is all I can do not to just ask.
Perhaps I should pull her to the side and warn her. However, if she is anything like me, she would not hear my words. She would only see a pathetic soul who knows nothing about her, just assuming they understand. I pray her future is brighter than mine was, that she does not find herself trapped in a life style she hates._
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_As a rule,
man's a fool.
When it's hot,
he wants it cool.
When it's cool,
he wants it hot.
Always wanting,
what is not.My favorite poem, and truly, no better words could describe the crushing feeling of my soul today._
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_Well, it is official, I'm pregnant. After a couple weeks of what they call, morning sickness, Zanetar decided it was time to take me to a healer. He says Bane has blessed him with many gifts, but when it comes to detecting pregnancy, that is not something he is famiular with. The woman I saw wasted no time, I don't even think she touched me before she said "You're with child.".
Zane is excited. He keeps telling me how we will raise our son correctly, he'll never be an orphan like we were. He will know the church, that he will be personally blessed by Bane for he is more or less an offering to Bane. I truly hope he means that him being born from two that are faithful is like an offering, for I don't know what to do if he plans on sacrificing our child. I adore Zanetar, I really do…but I have my limits too.
It surprises me how different Zanetar is around me when we are alone. We were walking in the pass, every eastlander that approached us was met with the blunt force of his morningstar. He killed them ruthlessly, never blinking. Within that very day, that same man was curled up with me in bed, laughing as I struggled to learn the devil's tongue. The same hands that so skillfully sent so many to their gods side, rested upon my belly, his fingers gently exploring the area only inches away from where his child lays.
I have to admitt this perplexes me often times. So many people tell me I need to stay away from him, that he will only lead to my death. They just don't see him in the same light I do. They just don't understand and I can't educate them. Not that it matters much, if they don't change their ways and kneel down to Bane, they will just end up slaves. Then truly their opinions won't matter much anyways._
_The baby kicked today. It was by far the oddest feeling. Almost like tiny bubbles inside me. Zanetar waited nearly an hour, his hand upon my belly, waiting to feel it. He did not as much as give up and move his hand when he (or she) kicked again. It was kind of cute how he grumbled about children being difficult, and ours is not even born yet.
I had to retire my armor for now, it was just getting too tight around my stomach. No one yet has noticed my pregnancy and I agree with Zanetar that it might be safest if I not tell to many folks. He is so hated, what could be a better way to punish him then kill his fiancee and unborn child?
I did, however, tell Locrian the other day. That was rather enjoyable. He took it better than I thought he would, he only went through and slaughted every goblin he could find in the woods. Then he comes back to me, tears in his eyes covered in blood, asking "Why Miss Nicahh, why? Why would you ruin your life?" He is so god damn dramatic at times, I swear he drives me crazy. However, he says he is in love with me and despite it being a Banite child within me, he vowed to protect me and my child, always. Zanetar says let him risk his life if he wishes to be so foolish. I can't say I disagree with him._
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_Rolan seems so excited. Two weeks, two weeks, that is all I have heard from him. Who knew all this bandit stuff would start though. I hesitate to tell him it might be best if we wait until the majority of the conflict with the Eastlanders is over before we take our trip. I would hate to leave my sisters, my family and my friends to face these degenerate monsters on their own. Though I know I am no fighter, I am a scout. I know how to manipulate the shadows to my best advantage and if this is the best I can offer to help them, so be it.
Today I walked the Pass, sticking to the shadows at all times. Eastlanders whispered of approaching travelers heading into the Pass from Jiyyd. I warned as many as I could of what they faced if they continued to travel north. Some turned around and went back to Jiyyd, others pressed on. Their looted corpses lined the roads as I made my way north only a couple hours behind them. The Eastlanders are not just revenging themselves against those that have hunted them in the past…this time they mean business. I don't know what their current motivation is, however the amount of well trained officers and evokers I have seen in the pass leads me to believe they don't plan on backing down anytime soon.
I can't see Rolan leaving the Legion to go on a trip when so many of the troops are risking their lives to protect the lands they so love. Which is fine, I am not much in a traveling mood. Although, it would have been nice to relax before I face Zanetar and to finally spend some time with my godchild._
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Journal Entry 27
_Vahn was not around to protect me today. He has been kind of distantly lately, I hope everything is alright with him. I hope I didn't do something to make him mad. I would hate to lose the one good thing from my past.
I did finally met this man that I noticed has been staring at me. I had noticed him watching me before, but he had never dared walk over and speak to me. Probably because I was with Vahn. He often sat in the shadows instead of by the fire near the gates out of Norwick into the woods. Vahn had warned me he was a priest of Bane, and that Bane was a dark god of tryany and strife, whatever that means.
Today he approached me, while I was doing some work for Wald. His eyes were as green as moss and his hair and armor was as black as the night. Stupid jerk almost got me killed when he locked me in the barn full of rats and would not let me pass as they bit at me. He stood in the door entrance as the rats got closer, their teeth bared and told me he could sense my fear. No kidding I was afraid! The rats were tearing at my boots and I could not stomp them hard enough to kill them. After a few minutes he started killing the disease infested rodents. I have to admit in my anger towards him locking me in the barn, it was a great relief to see him kill the creatures.
As I tried to sneak out while he took a morningstar to their heads, he grabbed my arm, holding me in place until the rats were all dead, THEN took his post back at the door and refused to let me out until I answered his questions. The only question I do remember is him asking me why I was in Norwick. I don't know why I told him, it was stupid of me. He said he would turn me over to my masters should he ever find them, that running away was a mistake, that the weak should be dominated. I could hear more rats moving about in the hay, I just wanted to leave, yet he would not let me no matter how much I begged. I even tried stomping on his foot to try and get him to move and he just stood there, smiling at me no less. He told me that I was afraid because I did not know the power of Bane. That if I would only talk to him, I would never fear again. What an arrogant ass._
