A Narsman's Tale
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Entry 1
We have the will to survive.
Not even death can hold us back. We fight with every last ounce of strength in our body. We fall in battle, but what for? For the glory? For the honor?
What honor is there in death? What glory? There is no shame in knowing your limits. No shame in remaining the unknown warrior who carries the fallen heroes to their graves to join the ranks of their heroic brothers. They do not chant my name as I return from the battle. But I am still alive. And living is an honor.
It is wise to know your limits. Wise to know your place. I am but a warrior. I have no skills in magics, and fight with what I have been given. Fight with what I've taught myself. I do not fight for the glory of my god. I do not fight for riches. I fight to live. And I do not die. To die is foolish. What good can come from my death? Even those who dislike me shall not benefit from it. Despite what they may think.
Life is a war. And the fighting never ceases. As we sleep, the battles rage on. Ultimately, we will lose this war. And we know it. Not even the strongest of warriors can stand up against Death and overcome it. We will all die. Then why do we wake each morning, blade and shield in hand, ready to face Life as it comes? What momentary contentment can be found in a life we know will ultimately end?
Love. One word, composed of four letters. And yet, everything we do revolves around it. We live for love. We fight for love. We die for love. It is the most divine gift we have been given, attainable by all people. We all have the capacity to love, and be loved. We search for it. When we find it, we hold fast to it. When it departs, we long for it. We kill for love. An interesting paradox - Killing for love. Denying others the chance to love before they deny our chance. And so long as we are successful, we have no qualms.
We try to justify it in our minds. We were protecting our lands, our families, our futures. We don't think of ourselves as wrong or evildoers. And yet, we have all become murderers. Trained killing machines. But we don't mind. We come to like it. Killing becomes a pastime. We sleep, we eat, we kill. And we no longer think about it….
So what are we to make of all of this? What lessons can we possibly take away from killing?
The value of life. And the importance of love. Love pushes us to achieve more than we thought possible. It lifts us to new heights. It fills us with joy. With love, we can endure anything. The only shame is that we will one day lose it all. Which again begs the question - Why continue living? To attain great wealth? Glory and honor? Fame?
Perhaps. But I will choose to live for love.
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Entry 8
Raindrops litter the page, smearing some of the words, but the entry remains decipherable.
I'm a mess. I can't stop thinking about you, despite what you told me. And every time I think of you, I fall apart. I become physically ill - my body trembles, I fall to my knees. My mind becomes clouded, and can think of nothing but you. And among all of this, I hardly even notice the tears that stream down my face. It is fortunate that I am writing this in the rain.
There is so much I want to tell you. So much I want to do with you. As I write this, I sit near the gates to Peltarch. The city you love. I promised I would take you out for a fancy dinner, take you dancing. Gods, you looked so good in that dress. We will-
_A large streak of ink crosses the page, with splatters of blood beneath it, soaking through the entire bottom half of the page.
The handwriting from this point on is shaky and nervous._
I almost died. Stabbed by an undead assassin. As I felt the poison of her blade flow through my veins, as I saw my own blood spilling out over this very page, I thought about what it would be like to join you. I promised you we would be together again, some day. I meant it. But not yet, not like this. It's not what you want of me.
I'm a mess. I need you to hold me, to tell me it will all get better. The thought of being alone scares me. It may be selfish, but I want you back, so that I don't have to be alone. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. And I've never missed anyone the way I miss you.
I want to wake up from this dream, this nightmare. I want to wake up in your arms as I did before, with your beautiful smile to greet me. But I keep falling deeper and deeper. I'm starting to feel it's no dream at all.
I just want to wake up.
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Entry 7
It's been far, far, far too long since I last wrote my thoughts. Everything has changed. Physically, mentally, spiritually - I am no longer the man I was. It is a welcome change. Looking back, I realize what a fool I was; Moreso than I ever realized. I hurt so many people, but was too young and brash to notice. I have done things I am not proud of, and my life is full of regret.
I was given life, a chance to make of myself whatever I wished to be. The opportunity to be whoever I wanted. I look back, and wonder what point in my life, what experiences, made me who I am today. While I have regrets in my life, I know that if I were to change anything, I would not be the same person I am. I would not have the same friends, I would not have loved those I love. Or at least, those I thought I loved.
I've come to the realization that I have never loved anyone as I should. I was scared to be alone, and even more afraid to admit it. I filled the voids with meaningless relationships, even convincing myself that I was destined to spend my entire life with some of them. These women have all since realized what an idiot I am. I cannot blame them for leaving. I only wish I had not caused them so much pain. And I hope my son never makes the same mistakes I did.
A visible ink splotch on the page, where the pen-tip obviously rested too long.
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Entry 6
It's been quite some time since I've last written my thoughts on paper. I look back on the previous pages of this book and realize what a fool I am. I was living the life of a dreamer. She very well may have been right to say that I only wanted her because I could not have her. I am sorry I ever opened up to her. She's a fool. She found something stable, something safe, and grabbed hold of it. And like a frightened child, she hides her face in her mother's dress, blinding herself from both the bad and the good. It's easy to hide. And what more could I expect from someone like her? Nevertheless, I still love her.
But I've met someone else. Someone whose love has enveloped me entirely. Her every action, her every word, is like that of an angel. I met her in the oddest of places - the Shrine of Kelemvor just north of Norwick. I don't recall what we spoke of, but I fell for her. I fell hard. And can you imagine? She fell for me too. Her work in the Shrine required her presence, so we were forced to part for the time being. But we made plans to see each other again. Now there's something I've not experienced in a while - mutual affection.
I had all but forgotten the anxiety and excitement of a new love until I met Shae. She loved me, and I loved her. The days passed by too quickly, and before I knew it, we are at the present. She is carrying my child, and wants to be married. I love her, and want her to be my wife. But I'm not ready for marriage just yet. It's hard to explain, but she seems to understand. And I love her more for it.
She brings me more happiness than I could have ever hoped for. I always say how I'm the unluckiest guy in the world. I can never seem to find that mythical blade deep within the crypts, or that suit of armor high atop some evil enchantress's tower. Yet I've found the greatest treasure of them all.
And she's got great legs too.
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Entry 5
I need to stop writing about her. This is getting out of hand, almost obsessive. She consumes my mind, my every thought. This needs to stop. She told me she does not love me. And yet, I cannot stop loving her. It's unexplainable. Something I've never experienced before. And I'm loving every second of it.
She tells me that I deserve someone better. Hah! As though there were someone more perfect than she. It is I, rather, who does not deserve her. The Fates have made that much quite clear to me. They've gone out of their way to make sure I will never be happy with her. But will I ever be happy without her? If I try to move on, to forget her… Will it all be in vain?
Perhaps she was right. Maybe I only want her because I can not have her. No, that cannot be. I've wanted her far too long. Even before I knew she was unobtainable, I wanted her. And I still want her. I love her.
I told myself I would move on. I told myself I had to move on. But I don't want to. I needed to see her, to speak to her. I needed to hear her voice, gaze into her eyes, if even for but a moment. And so I found her. I spoke with her. And for the first time in a long time, I feel... Happy. Satisfied. Content. These words are but feeble attempts to describe my current state of being. It's odd. She told me she does not love me, and I have found a peace in this unlike any other.
I still love her. I told her I always will. I know I always will. She is imperfect. She is a coward. She is insecure, greedy, rude. She drinks too much, curses like a dwarf. She is beautiful.
I love her. I would do anything for her. So I will grant her request. I will move on. As much as it pains me, I will forget her. I will avoid her, ignore her. I will pretend I do not know her. Claim to have never met her. I will write about her no longer. She will haunt my dreams no more. My mind will forget her very existence.
But my heart will love her forever….
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Entry 4
She has stolen my heart. The very center of who I am. I try to listen to her logic. It makes sense in my head. But my heart fights it. Damnable Fates! Whores, with little better to do than meddle in my pitiful affairs. I hear them taunting me. Flaunting what I cannot have. They must not know the sorrow of a wasted heart.
She calls it lust. I want her. The statement alone is ridden with lust. But I do not merely want her body. I want everything. I want Her. Her imperfections, her faults, her bad habits, her rude behaviorisms. She is beautiful…
She has taken the only thing I thought I could hold on to. I hate her for it. No, I love her. I love her for putting me through all of this. What a beautiful misery!
I saw her. I finally told her. I thought perhaps actually seeing her, actually telling her how I felt might shatter my perception of her. She was perfect in every way. And she remains so, even after all of this. I will always love her. She seems to doubt it. Seems to think she is a passing phase in my life. But I've been fighting this for years. I fell for her when I first laid eyes on her. And I will continue to fall deeper.
Damn it all...
I will move on. I have to move on. What reward is there in loving someone who cannot love you in return? Better to settle for someone less who will at least love you, show you the compassion and affection your heart has been denied for so long.
Enough...
Enough.
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Entry 3
War.
It's all around us. It's all we talk about. It's all we think about. It has consumed us. This is not a bad thing. We are completely focused on this war. Our focus, combined with the ability to withhold personal conflicts to defeat a common enemy will lead us to victory. But of course, we're too idiotic to do that.
We are incapable of letting things go. We can never admit to being in the wrong. We search for excuses, unwilling to take the blame. "Well he started it!" Childish.
Almost as childish as using authoritative powers to sort out personal issues. People quarrel with one another. Unfortunately, not all of us can claim a city as utterly and completely OUR city. And as such, we are at a great disadvantage. We have seen it before with Norwick and Peltarch. And we see it now. Arrogance and ignorance is our greatest enemy. We know this much to be true. Yet we let it run freely within our towns and encampments. If you wish to seek vengeance, use your own personal means.
Some people just do not get it. Desperation is a poor excuse for bad judgement. Stress is an even worse excuse. If you can not handle the pressure, you are not worthy of power and all that it entails. Lucid could not handle it. At least he is honorable enough to admit it and step down. Commendable.
This is war. War has united our foes. Not even the bugbears and goblins quarrel the way we do. And we like to think we are smarter than them? I respect them. I respect Sharn's authority over them. He may be evil and our enemy, but he knows what he is doing. That's more than we can say about our "leaders."
United, we stand a chance. If we continue down the path we are headed. our fate has already been decided. It is time for change. It is time to push personal grudges aside. War waits for no man. I just pray Tempus give our warriors and leaders the strength to realize this and deal with it as men, not as children.
Stay strong.
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Entry 2
I miss her.
I miss her more than words can describe. She has come to be my reason for living. And she doesn't even know it.
The battles I fight, the training I do… All insignificant. Worthless. They help to pass the time until I might next see her. The killing, the bloodshed. It keeps my mind off of her. And in those moments of mindless rage, my heart rests easy. But when the worldly battles calm, and my bodily wounds heal, the war in my heart wages on.
What is worse than an unrequited love? Not even Death is as cruel to the heart. Death is final. You need only face it once. My love for her, I wrestle with every waking moment of every dreaded day. I see her, and she smiles to me. And in that instant, I experience something. An atrophy of the heart. For every time I see her, my heart grows weaker. I know I will never have her. The feeling is worse than Death.
So why bother? I should give up on her, find a new object of affection. My obsession is likely one of lust - merely a temporary want. But that is not so. I long for her, I dream of her. I see her in everything that is beautiful. I hear her voice in the sweet song of the birds. I feel her touch in the soft summer breeze. Oh, gods, how beautiful she is...
I try to convince myself - It is only a temporary obsession. I try to trick my mind into loving others. And sometimes I succeed. I am able to forget her, for but a moment. But it is in vain. For where my mind succeeds, my heart fails. It continues to love her. And it will love her until the day it ceases to beat.
I see other women. I am told they are gorgeous, beautiful. But when I hear those words, I only think of her. She has replaced everything I used to aspire for. The riches, the power, the fame. It is all trivial when compared to her. She is my new ambition. My new desire. She is the one goal I will never reach, for so the Fates have deemed it. I wonder, sometimes, what I have done to deserve this fate. Was it even something I did? Perhaps it was something I did not do. The thought often haunts me. But it is only moments before the thoughts fade, and again, I find myself thinking of you.
It is not fair. Life is not fair. Love is not fair. But were it fair, we would never long. It is because of our longings that we come to better appreciate what we have. Or so I am told.
I love her. But who is she?
She is nothing but herself. And to me, she is perfect. She is the one I want to call my own. The one I want to marry and grow old with. She is my everything. And she doesn't even know it...