The New Journal of Drelan Ashire
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Thirteenth Entry
–-----------------------------------_My, will to fight I think has finally left me. Garcen, your curse has won, albeit in a way you could never imagine. I spoke with Nyda today. She was nice and kind, and though sheltered not so different from who I was. Her master of arms sounded much like Garand. She said the most cliche wisdom. You can only find happiness in yourself. While it is wise, tis horribly short sighted. I, this is was my Dajemma as sister would say. What I found was nothing more than a man fighting desperately to hold on to a dream, to show that the legend and ideals of his house were not mere lore though the world did everything it could to make it so. Is this man worthy of praise? Yes, many that have known him does indeed pay him apologies and sections of worth by voice of lips and writings. Is the man actually worthy? No. I can say I am against banites, want to slay anyone I see. But unless I actually do it there is no difference than if I was for banites, or neutral to them. Action is the actual cost. Word implies action which gives word its worth, because of the hope or fear it will bring action. This is what's occured. I am not worth action. The city of Peltarch almost jailed me numerous times though I served it. Norwick as well. Jiyyd paid no heed to my wisdom. The Silver Valley exiled me though I gave blood for it. The Gali still don't remember my name, and were quick to let me rot. Sister, unknowingly through her actions do what people in my lands do to disown someone. Yet she says she respects me. Ocean said I was her world, yet left me to die in corners, ignored me do to some squabble with her father, cared not for anything I tried to do for her, and instead decided to wed someone that didn't do as much, though she supposedly doesn't love him and still does me. Mirk, betrayed me to help his own position though I called him friend, blamed me for all, could see nothing I did. I failed to save Amy. All say they ~respect~ me, but it is merely courtesy or perhaps their delusion. Nyda said if I am really what I thought I should be proud , happy in the fact that I am a virtuous, good man. As long as I seek something else not from me, I will not be happy. Instead all I see is a fool, whos attempts have earned him nothing but stress, blood shed, illness, injury, with no property, exile, cursed, and not a true ally in sight. If what he fought for does exist, he has none of it. This knowledge somehow is supposed to bring happiness. Hells it would have in the past for me. Fight for the sake of the fight, the challenge. The greater the fight the greater the challenge, the greater the learning, the greater the prize. But there is no prize. Victory brings the same as defeat, the same as neutrality. The acceptance of the realization takes away from my worth even more. Shows weakness, greed, lack of adherence for one's word.
Perhaps it is merely my own selfish arrogance and pride I've regained of late, but I am tired. May I gather the will to accomplish one last task in my retreat. Brother, I miss you._
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Twelth Entry
–---------------------------------------_It has been many days since my writing, but with Captain away I've nay had much time. I cannot wait until his return perhaps he can gain audience with this supposedly willing diplomat. Ah well, at least there was a fight in the ferret today. I was crushed of course, by a blind gnome no less but at least he won the competition. Candy was there too. I've nay seen her in so long, I was glad to see she was alright again. Almost was able to beat Mallis to the floor as well. The announcer called a final all out battle and free for all in the end. Pity the hins were working together, else I could have gotten him. Healea later did though. Lucky fool. Meant to duel him afterwards for honors sake but was called on by Rolan instead for a fight. Nay know why he wants to fight me. I've told him I've nay recovered yet, and my hip still slides around. Ah well, I'll nay run from a fight, if he wants some blood on him so be it, though I'm glad at least this night I was saved, for the alternative was so much, nicer. I'll need to buy something from Dwin in thanks.
Why does Tymora do this to me? Seems she can nay make up her mind if she wants me in these lands. First spurned, then lied, then betrayed by all, then ignored, then given a glimmer of hope just so that all can be repeated again and show me I'm a delusional fool, then destroyed several I touched, and while I was jumping to leave thes lands at the offer to go to the wastelands, the events of late make me hesitate? Am I a fool only playing to delusions of that what doesn't exist again? I spoke to sister, she probably thought me babyish, hells I thought myself babyish. But its not that. As much as it sounds, I swear I've spent hours trying to place myself. What am I? What should I be? What am I to the world? I'm nay liking what I've finding, and yet all actions seem to draw me to the same path. Well I best get breakfast ready, Lady of The Lanceboard please give my brother the insight to survive if he still breathes._
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Eleventh Entry
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_The gnolls move again. The camp has fallen. If only I knew why, I passed out during the fighting. Awoke safely though no one was around, only to the consequences. Odd games fate plays. We should have moved sooner instead of waiting. Now much more work will need to be done, and I fear the whole nars may fall into the beast's grips. Would be fitting to leave the Gali to die otherwise. Those that would not help others, would not protect their own oaths, never recognizing sacrifice. Much I find distasteful of the people, but if they must be kept alive as fodder to help control the mistakes of their people so be it.I need to go south to complete the ceremony. If only Cike knew that Amy is dead. The blind fool. She could never see anything but that which was not right though she was surrounded by it. Sil told me it was her time to go, but I knew better. Amy lacked the will. I hope I do not become the same though many nights I see much of her in me. Even with her foolishness. If only she could have waited…then perhaps. May the spirits guide her to the peace she sought, if it really exists. Always pained me to see her pain, her hatred, her inability to let go, the inability to see that the future is worth it even if it doesn't always bring perfect utopian times. I'll always remember her quiet calm simplicity, the beauty of listening to a rising breath, the smell of that flower sitting a top her hair. I miss her. I hope she can see me fighting for her home, for I know she would want someone to take her place.
The rest of the page is written in something definately far from common._
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Tenth Entry
–--------------------------_I do not know how the wigglers do it. For nights I have researched reading ancient tombs and babblings of the magically inclined or insane. I can read it, but I swear the lines blur and twist the mind after any work involving it. Perhaps I shall call on Candy, or even the bard. Sil said she needed to speak with me, I can only assume this means good news as her spirit seemed higher than in my last visits to her.
Can you kill that which is already dead? I heard those words in some play or perhaps read them in the bardic college. I'm sure Jena or Khaya would tell me yes, but I'm no longer so sure. I've witnessed many horrific and defying feats in this land, almost as dramatic as Relekev's accomplishments with the flesh. My new blade, while not as weighted as well as Father's, fought the vampire's well. I can only hope that it does the same to undead wigglers. If only I could think of a name for the blade.
Captain has left for several days, no doubt some business deal he forgot to tell me about again. If Mercy doesn't give the crew too much of a taunting perhaps I can have some gold waiting for him upon his return. I only hope I'm not needed elsewhere in the near future. I suppose one of the leutenants could take over, but as much as Captain argues against trust I'd hate to see him in the hands of someone that doesn't. Some lessons are learned harshly._
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Nineth Entry
–--------------------------------------------------------------------------_Finally, peace. Dare I say I actually felt happy for a while. Just had to get away from the bards. About decided that profession attracts people with uneasy minds and taints every bit of their actions. All except for Sil anyways, she seems amazingly well adjusted for one that even attended the college. Perhaps one day she will become head master, and if there is a blight in that place, cleanse it.
I glanced upon Mirk using that blasted green antlered helm again, praying to the all mighty Cariboo. You'd think almost dying several times while praying to the supposed creature,and only surviving because I gutted them, would teach him to follow a more reliable.. entity. I felt to much pity to beat the fool senseless. I grow soft in my age I think.
The shaking has grown weak again, and it seems I may be cured again. I will need to train particularly hard in this respite. Perhaps I will need to speak with Kull._
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Eighth Entry
–--------------------------------_Sisterink dribbles hugged me when I told her why I was angry. That was all. How that was supposed to mend or explain anything I do not know. This land is a strange place, always intentions never action. Of course, their intentions are usually lies, or deceptions to themselves. Captain knocked me aside for a pretty lass again. Bloody first leutenant, bringing in more gold than all others until my recent state and kicked aside for some lass he just met. Spoke with Mercy, and after getting used to the stench felt somewhat better, though more confused. She said ignore others, yet this doesn't seem right either. If trying to live as an example merely makes you tread upon, disrespected, and to live selfishly at least earns you a required respect for your abilities and guarantees you a soft bed yet still to be forgotten as soon as your powers weaken, what path is there? Both end the same. Perhaps this is why Helm forsook me, I couldn't see the answer to this question. I spoke with Sil. Cike has been gone for sometime. I hope to the gods that the stars look over him, guide him, and the fire keep him safe. He is the one friend, that never did any harm to me, never asked me for anything without being willing to return the like, and I am his brother. Not by blood but by plight. Different causes, yet still the same punishments haunted us, we always had a strange understanding of each other and what had to be done. I.. promised I would fight beside him, yet he has left without me. I must find him. Tis the only way to hold on to some remnants of the promise, and Cike would do the same for me. Mirk is wrong. Words, oaths, the intent to back them is everything. Not that he would understand that, for he is blind either by physical defect, or lack of teaching.
I will do something, I have fought for some time tonight. I will consult the flames. It is all I have left, all I really had, though I had hoped it wasn't and believed it for a while. Unlike the blue light, I know its orange glow is real. I will prepare for a journey soon, as soon as I have my supplies and some incling if even just a rumor of where to go. If the world will forsake and forget me, then I will do the same to it, and do what should be done.
As one of the last of my order, I make this pledge. May the gods take notice and woe to anyone who tries to keep me from my goal. Fire will take you._
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Seventh Entry
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_Cursed Mecc, that chancellor always has some unbelievably hard work not worth the money. Go after the lizard that slew three citizens, was the mission, payment unstated. Our party of mostly clerics of various faiths was able to make it into the woodsink dribbles even to where I protected Candy and further. The Lizards have quite a supply of tainted arrows and axes it seems. Every barrage had acid that burned the skin, and evidentally my gold armor attracted more attention than I wished. I used a fortune on healing remedies that day, always retreating back to drink and douse over the burns before charging in again. Each time the elven cleric looking at me like I was an idiot or a coward. I hope by the Lady my strategy was right, I lived.. if at great expense to guide most of the party back alive. The hin, Mia, was sticken down though by a nasty bite from a beast larger than I had ever seen, even bigger than the land sharks I used to fight when I lived in Norwick. Where is Portia? I hope she is alright, it feels as if I've been lax in my brotherly duties, and sometimes I'd give anything to be snuck up on by a bear and be slurrped accross the face. As disgusting as it is, it lets me know she's well. In any case, upon our return Mecc gave us our bounty, 2000 coin. By some odd joke of fate, I became leader and speaker of the group. Odd to be so taunted at times yet looked for guidance at others. I divided the pay equally between all, including the fallen Mia, but wouldn't let Mecc raise her by the power of his god. I think I may have offended him though I tried not to. The Lady allows me to be neutral, to have the flexibilty to work with many, but not all are that way and I doubted the hin would want to be raised by such a dark power. I paid for her raising myself. I should have taken it from her gold, it would have been fair and more kind to my purse, but it pained me that I had not done better. Mia has fought in many battles, at least I know the coin did not go to waste.I almost died again today, leaving Ormpur. I'd hate to say it, but if it wasn't for Mirk I would be dead. An army of worgs decended upon me as I tried to fight a way through for our group, I just really wanted to be away from that place. I think in my home I would be allowed to take his head for what he did, yet he too waivers between friend I owe greatly and dishonorable bastard. Why can't things make up their minds what they want to be of late? Sister is confused, or maybe angry at me for my sudden despisal of the bard, but what am I to do? I dare not worry her, but gods it felt good to slam her lover's green helm into his nose._
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Sixth Entry
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I caught a glimpse of my first adult dragon today. A silver one flying over Jiyyd and raining havok down upon anyone outside. I managed to survive the rain and get many to the safety of the Regal's cellar, thanks to the early warning from Sierra. I returned outside to fight the beast should it wish it, thinking that this might very well be one of the trials sent to me, but the dragon had flown away. Pity to have to fight such a creature, it is actually quite beautiful and will always remember the light glittering upon its scales. Someone said Rass was mating with an acid spitter as well. Odd to think of such massive creatures like animals in the wood, so aloof at times the power to destroy towns yet still held to the flesh. Dragons, who would know they'd get destructive when the need to mate struck them. Perhaps it is some mating ritual, to show one's strenght? Similar to the ones we practiced at home. I will have to read more about these creatures. I wonder if the rumors I've heard of Ocean is true. I'll have to ask her about it when next we meet. May the queen give me the strength needed to cause the destruction I may need in time.
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Fifth Entry
–-------------------------------------------_Tymora, has chosen to shine on me for a change. While I did fall defending my party's retreat just days ago, and gained a rather horrid saurial curse for my efforts I was cured, the captain helped get coin once again in my pocket, and Corana and I have begun to come to an understanding again that I thought would be lost in squabble. I can only be left to wonder what the back lash for this streak of luck will be, and if my assessment of the umberlites was wrong.
We went deep into a cavern this day. A man with horns, of the like I've never seen before called it The Underdark. It is an odd place. Magic does not work there giving me an example of what Mirk had spoken of, and there are these ant creatures only with man like features that seem suited to a specific task, though that doesn't keep them from all rushing you haplessly. In any case, we found his blasted mushrooms, though we had to negotiate a better payment upon our return. Five gold was his original offer! We fight off druegar and ant men while in the bloody dark for hours blindly because of his lack of information and he gives us five coin. I warned the Captain to work out the price before we left on the job, but he didn't listen to me, not that he ever does. In any case, after some negotiating we recieved a much better price for our efforts, though Candy did snatch up that bottle of dust before I could from the man's stores. Nice lass, with a quick mind, though I wonder if I bore her at times with my lectures as she seems mainly interested in matters of the weave.
In any case, I have a retribution to plan. Lady give all the crew the insight they need to survive the challenges presented them._
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Fourth Entry
–--------------------------------------------------_I returned from my journey. Besides some rather, unsettling conclusions from the experience I am doing better. The shaking less, the controlling emotions less, or was until that bloody Assassin in the commons. I am only glad it turned out not to be as bent on death as I had believed. Else they would not have had a very pleasant experience. One seems to think that I should leave my crew find a less stressful job with a leader thats not so much of a selfish arse. The bastard just might very well have ten children or so in every port and he tries to lecture me on who I do or do not spend my time with. Sailors, bah and I thought deserters were the most confusing beasts. His continued refusal to trust merely on trust sake I find frustrating. Only shows me that I am again alone in these lands. Not that I'll change to the general consensus present. Wars are won far more often by men that trust each other to do their part on principle far more than some convoluted model of mercenary, coin based motivation.
I've returned and again rumors of Vashere's return have risen. Maybe I'll finally get my gold back from him. Good will is good will, but unfortunately I'm in need of funds and though the debt is old I will have to ask it to be repaid. I find it odd that the several I've heard and watched speaking of rebuilding the blades in the inns, thinking they were alone and in shadow, believe they can rebuild its glory soley by slinging a blade. How can so few realize what they really were? Ah well, I suppose if Vashere has returned from the great abyss he will have to take what ever mediocre and short sighted rabble he can find until he regains his footing.
Lady guide me in my comming days, Corana may not think my place is at your side but you have proven worthy of my tendings and I will contribute as much as any fallen can, fates be willing._
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Third Entry
–---------------------------------------------------------------_Strange how all attempts at good will can be lost in a moment of insanity not that I blame them. Somehow I doubt the dwarf will ever forgive me for insulting his beard. Still it seemed so real. I may perhaps be known forever more as the Peltarch loon, but at least I set out on my journey with good news. I recieved a message today. Amy has freed herself from whatever prison she found herself in. At least I think so, though it pains me to think that she thinks it was me that imposed it. Ah well, another battle lost and honesty is rarely unscathing. I only hope that what she is told is true and that the future is "secure" as I've found quite the opposite. There is only what you fight for to try to make become, hopefully she will find out otherwise as hers would require far less lost battles.
The spells are getting worse. Though I now know I will return. Strange to know such a thing before your foot ever touches the road. I only hope it is in some semblance of that for which I am currently remembered.
the bottom of the page then has some song that at first doesn't seem associated with the rest of the text
I step willingly without fault
Courage and action lacking not
To stand to beating drum and yell
Amongst the foreign bodies fell
To guard over them in passing time
All pleasure they felt never to be mine
For the prize I guard is far more golden,
Hidden in the flames.Drelan Ashire, note the day you became a babbling depressing wit._
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The Second Entry
–----------------------------------------Down have I fallen. Hurting all I touch, bringing darkness to a room upon my entering, all that I wish not to always happens. Amy still will not speak to me, and more and more have I seen that the world around me has far too much sorrow to be added to it. Ocean only looks to me when I bring her worry, and Sister.. has much as I want to give her strength I am never able to do what is needed it seems. I will play with fantasies and mental whims no more. My place is obvious I only have to hope that I still have the strength to do and survive what is needed to become as I should be again. Tomorrow I will go into the hills and begin the first stages of the searing. I, ink dribbles on the page am not sure that Sister will understand all involved in the ritual. I do not wish to scare her but with my faithful servant slain I know no where else to turn. I only hope my mind remembers all the steps involved. If I am to be lost to the flames I will reap its benefits. The words of Relekev beat on my mind this eve, "not all men are meant to be human". May fire watch over all in my care in my brief absence.