3. Fury And Faith: Thoughts of a Warpriest

Fury And Faith: Thoughts of a Warpriest


  • _I'm alive again. I don't remember that much, but I remembered enough to get going again. I settled things with Aelthas for now, though I still don't know what exactly I did to make him kill me in the first place. I insulted his wife, apparantly. If so, I should apologize to her.

    I should find Maya too.

    I found Val and she convinced me to join the Legion. I still don't have everything figured out yet, but I trust Val. She's one of the two people closest to me and Tempus favors her. And she's smart. If she says I should join the Legion, I believe her. She was assigned to train me too, and I have a lot to learn again. Good thing I still remember much of my old training. I hope everything will work out.

    Aelthas also gave back my things. I don't remember owning everything, but I do remember the armor, the hammer and the axe. And my pendant of Tempus. Wearing it always made me feel more secure.
    Wearing this armor is strange. It was old and worn when I bought it, and it hasn't gotten prettier. But it's been with me for years now, and I hope it will be with me for a longer time. It may not be the best armor around, but it's my armor. And nobody else will understand the things we've seen and done together._


  • _It's getting difficult to remember faces, and details. Things I know I've seen but can't remember what they look like. I know my name but I don't remember when I chose it, or why. I remember some things and how they made me feel, but it's all dulled. A few things stay sharp though, I don't know why. Some parts of my training in the temple. A few things from battles I fought in. Prayers and chants. Maybe that's all that's going to be left of me. Nothing but training and experiences and of past battles, given to Tempus.

    …

    This can't be the end. I made mistakes, but for it all to end like this.. I'm not ready. Life is too short as it is, and there's a lot more to see and do. There's a lot more I have to see and do. When I'm finally good and ready, I'll know it. I'm not ready yet. I have to find a way back. I -will- find a way back.

    Even if it kills me. Hah!_


  • Contemplation

    I'm starting to forget things. People's faces. Names. Places I know I've been but remember less and less of. It's like this place is leeching them from me somehow. Maybe I'm staying here too long, and this is what it's like for Kelemnvorans when they die. Just like the memories of them start to fade in the living world, they'll start losing memories of their own lives. And sooner or later they won't remember anything and there will be just this grey nothingness forever. I'm not a Kelemenvoran though. Why is it happening to me?

    I don't know why Tempus hasn't come to claim me yet. I know I wasn't much of a warpriest, but I had faith. Everyone makes mistakes. I tried my best, and that has to count for something, right?

    Or maybe it's my own fault. People pass trough all the time, and their own gods or servants of those gods come to claim them. Just like that dwarf that went to Chauntea. A dwarven farmer, that's not something you'd expect. One of them, I can't remember, did say she had done a lot of things in her life. But she was all ready to to let go. I'm not sure if I am.

    Maybe that's why I'm starting to lose my memories. After a while, I won't remember anything of my life anyway and I won't have anything tying me to it anymore. I'll be ready to move to the Halls because I wouldn't know any different.

    So what am I still hanging on to? What's holding me back from letting go?

    ….

    I thought I was ready to die, and I'm not sure it could have gone any other way. But now that I'm here, I miss things. I miss being alive, and everything that comes with it. I miss the food, I miss the drinks, the feeling of my heart beating, the rain on my face and the wind in my hair. I don't miss that many people, but I do miss Val and Mia. The Halls would probably have their share of good-looking women of all sorts. Wouldn't be my kind of afterlife if it didn't, but it probably wouldn't have Mia. Val after a while, probably, but I might never meet her there. The Halls would have drinks and food too but.. they wouldn't be 'real'. Just things thrown in that resemble the good things in life, to make the afterlife more of the paradise it should be. The whole thing doesn't make me feel at peace. The more I think about it, it doesn't even give me the feeling of happiness it should. Fark, I'm a demanding bastard.

    ....

    I had some good battles. I try to remember them, but I know that the Rest will have a lot more of them, and they'll be so much more better than anything I could get into while living. Tempus, please don't think bad of me for thinking this, but I don't think battle and war are what makes life worth living. Not anymore. Sure, they're a big part of life and I wouldn't have become a warpriest if I didn't think they played a big part, or if I didn't enjoy them for what they are. But there's more to life than that. Damn, why didn't I see that before?

    ....

    Tempus, I have faith. I always did, even when I didn't have any faith in myself. I know I question you as much as anything, but I know you will always be there. Not for me, per se, but you're the one thing that'll never fade or leave. You're not always making it easy for me, but nothing easy is worth doing. I've said that a few times to others, and now it comes around to bite me. It hurts, but the truth does that. I don't expect you to answer, to hold my hand or do anything I won't do for myself. I know you're still listening and watching me, you always have. You didn't step in when I wanted you to, but when I needed it.

    ....

    Nobody would remember me if I just let go. Not for long, anyway. I wouldn't leave behind much of anything either. Not of myself, not for Tempus. So my whole life would just have been a complete waste. Maybe I did some good in small ways but ..

    Why do I care about 'doing some good'? I'm not that sort. Why give a sheite about the looks those so-called heroes get when they move around. You know the look, the kind that people get when they regularly bleed and suffer for others. The kind that people give when they know they're not alone out there.

    Why would you want to be a hero anyway? It's not like something, someone saved you and your mother for some reason you still can't see one time.

    Well fark. Sigh.


  • Remembrance

    Days, months, years now.. time doesn't mean anything here. Just the same grey wasteland, filled with ruins, that goes on forever. No mountains. No rivers. No dawns. No dusks. No rain. No wind. No water. No fire. No weapons. No armor. No food. No hunger. No dreams. No sleep. No music. No joy. No friends. No foes. No family.

    Everything that life has, this does not.
    And I have nothing but the memories I brought with me.

    _He can wrap his fingers around my entire hand, and still have so much room. He stands besides me and lays out the pieces again. He is a giant, I'll never be that tall and strong. I touch every piece, and before my hands start my mind has already put the watermill together. Dad smiles and lifts me up and holds me so high, cheering me on. I can hear the noise of the market outside our door, and I can smell mum's cooking. Almost time for dinner.

    I am 9 years old. Three months from now, the war will start and everything will change.

    Wish I were with you but I couldn't stay
    Every direction leads me away
    Pray for tomorrow but for today
    And all I want is to be home

    We watch the lessons of the sword-abbot. We listen to the teachings of The Foehammer. My hand grips the handle of the battlaxe. My arm hefts the weight of the shield. They are so heavy, but I won't let go. He talks about the honour of serving, and the glory we will earn in battle. The others shout cries of war and promises of death to our city's enemies. I think of mother's tears as I stubbornly left. I think of father's angered shouts.

    I am 15 years old. Tomorrow I will desert, and everything will change.

    Stand in the mirror you look the same
    Just looking for shelter from the cold and the pain
    Some want to cover, safe from the rain
    And all I want is to be home

    The desert is hot and otherwordly. The cliffs are made of strange stone, and sand giants are charging again. The others are ready to break but I raise my voice and shout prayers to Tempus. I shout rallying cries. I shout louder than the desert wind, louder than the burning sun and louder than the roars of the giants. The others hear and we charge together. I see the giants fall one by one. I am as strong and tough as father. Then I see the last one swinging harder and faster at me than I can dodge or soak. I die on another world.

    I am 19 years old. A few weeks from now, constant defeat will begin to gnaw at me, and everything will change.

    Echoes and silence, patience and grace,
    All of these moments I'll never replace
    No fear of my heart, no absence of faith
    And all I want is to be home

    The scar on my shoulder burns, where the Bloodreaver ran me trough. He beat me down again and again for sport. Never before have I seen my own weakness this clearly. Never before have I thought I should avoid a place. Never before have I thought I should fear someone. Never before have I understood so well why Tempus grants courage to the weak.

    I am 21 years old. It is only a few months before the Bloodreaver attacks again, and everything will change.

    People I've loved, I have no regrets
    Some I remember some I forget
    Some of them living some of them dead
    And all I want is to be home

    A full moon shines down on my pointless stand. I know I should apologize, but it is too late now. There are no horns, no drums, no welcome into the halls of heroes. The stubborn pride, the frustration, the fear, the doubt flow from me with my blood. The pain fades as I come to accept how far I have run. Away from duties, difficult truths and myself.
    A hated enemy teaches what no friend could, but I am tired of hate and rage.

    I am 24 years old. I do not know what will happen, nor if everything will change.

    But I have.

    ((Foo Fighters - Home))_


  • @bb5e98530e=Archon_Prime:

    (…)finally decides to do to me what he doesn't have the balls to go and find my father for. (..)

    ((OOC note: I was made aware that some people felt this was a slap to their face. I know that Dentin only survived to escape Narfell at all because an OOC block was placed on killing him. I didn't realise this as I posted the entry, and I apologise to anyone who feels OOC offended.

    Things happened as they happened, and I generally just go with it. These entries are all IC, though never meant to OOC smirk/mock/otherwise offend anyone))


  • _Days are passing and still no sight of Aelthas. This isn't any good. All the waiting has me thinking again, starting to look for ways to beat him, and starting to hope. This won't do. Aelthas is meant to kill me and I'm meant to die. I won't just roll over, but I can't hope for anything else but a good fight and a quick death. If I start thinking about winning, I'll start thinking about surviving.

    I've heard about warriors called "Forlorn Hopes". Most of them are murderers, traitors, refugees and generally people with nothing left to fight for but death in battle, and hopefully the redemption that Tempus offers with that. Have I become one of those? I don't know if I have anything to be redeemed for, but if I don't, why am I this eager to die. Winning against Aelthas, no matter how smart or hard I fight, is probably impossible for me. If I was more powerful it might not be, but I'm not.
    And Tempus teaches to retreat from an impossible battle.

    Am I a coward for giving up on trying to win? I don't see any way I can win and keep my battle honour. Either I go against what Tempus teaches, or I need to fight in a dishonourable way. There really is no perfect way to do things. No perfect battle.

    Still, I'll go out doing what I do best: standing my ground and dying on my feet. I don't fear dying, I've done enough of it that it's lost most of the scare. I only fear Aelthas not finishing it. He HAS to have at least that much honour in him, to finish what he starts. If he puts his sword trough me, it's just my body that dies. If he refuses to do it, I know it will kill everything that I am.

    Tempus, I know that you hear my prayers and I know that you read this. If.. When Aelthas wins the battle, let him kill me. Let me earn redemtion in death for whatever sins I might have done._


  • _People say Maya got possessed by a drow whip, and she believes it. She was jailed for it. The guards told me to stay away, and she told me to come. So ended in a cage of my own, and she was still wounded and weak.

    They let her out, and they let me off with a fine. She really believes what they told her. So I got myself caged again, risking being locked up for longer than I could handle, for a Champion whose mind is easily swayed, who'll walk on her toes to avoid kicking anyone in the shins and who'd rather admit defeat, grovel and run off rather than seeing things trough, even if they're mistakes. And -that-'s the CHAMPION?

    Aelthas challenged me to a fight to the death over a song I sang about Lycka. As if I'm the only one singing lewd songs about her. At least I have the balls to do it to his face. Besides, if she's that insulted, why didn't she challenge me herself? She's not exactly a weak kitten. Or is she pregnant for the dozenth time? Chauntea, why is it always the idiots that are the breeders?

    He challenges me when I'm in prison, and when I'm out and I'm ready to answer his challenge (thought I'd delay until the next full moon. I know Tempus watches every fight, but the poor sod doesn't have that comfort with his own goddess), he suddenly has better things to do. He said he'd deal with me when he "gets out". Out of his own ass?

    What a farking waste. I had my mind set on that fight. I was ready for it, ready to fight and die. If it has to happen, I just want to get it over with, not wait until he's finally tired of taunting and torturing me, and finally decides to do to me what he doesn't have the balls to go and find my father for.

    So now what? Start building that cabin I want, only to never finish it? Maybe I'll just read trough this thing and see if looking back leads to anything new._


  • _Guard's Song
    Performed live, for Random Peltarch Guard, in Peltarch Gaol

    Oh, look he's oh-so-pretty. He's the prettiest girl in town.
    Dancing around in his big green dress, and nothing under there.
    He likes the big barbarians with hair on teeth and tool.
    He likes it when they tickle him right inside his mool!_


  • _Lycka's Song
    Performed live, for Aelthas, in the Peltarch Gaol

    Oh, I took the silver wolfgirl, like all the doggies do.
    I took her once, and once again, and now he thinks they're his!
    She only wants a real man, and not a farkin' loon..
    She wants a bear to do her right, and not a farkin' moon!"_


  • _I haven't had this much fun in a while. It's as if the doubts and questions I had were suddenly wiped from my mind, and I finally understood how meaningless they were.

    First a band of harpies attacked the gates in Norwick. They were wailing, screaming and mostly dying. For a moment I almost felt bad for them, but then it passed. I then realised that they weren't really attacking, but more fleeing from something. So a group of us decide to head south into the forest for a good while to find out what they were fleeing from.

    We came across a group of harpies, wyverns and chimaera's fighting each other. It was a great free-for-all and we joined right in. Those chimaera spikes can really hurt, but we all lived trough it. I even walked away with a nice new gauntlet, and best of all, the tail stinger of an enormous wyvern. My best trophy so far.

    I thought it couldn't get much better than that, but when we returned to Norwick and night fell a group of vampires decided to attack. Most of them weren't too much trouble. One vampire mage was tougher but it turns out my new gauntlet can do some fun things; deaf mages can't hear what they're trying to cast. The toughest one was a master archer with acid arrows, that melted anyone that took one step out of the gate into a green puddle. Alestra died, even though I tried my best to keep her alive; that acid ate her faster than I ever could. Too bad. After another hour of being played with people finally started to take my advice to move further into town, with more light and high ground. Vampire didn't follow us in though. Smart.

    For the first in a long time I feel, not just know, why I chose to serve Tempus. Even trough the chimaeras and the vampires, I never felt fear. I took cover when I was taking too much, I fell back when I had to but I never felt fear. I felt excitement I haven't felt in a long time. I felt Tempus' eye watching over me, and His hand pushing me forward.

    Now to find a roasted boar, a crate of ale and Mia for the perfect ending for a perfect day._


  • _"You change your mind often."
    "My mind is a ship lost in a storm, and I don't see any lighthouse."

    I don't know where that came from, but it's true. I left the Academy to learn what I'm not ready to teach yet, but most of all to find myself. I just don't have any idea where to look. I joined Uljas' smashers for a while, and he has a good cause to fight for. But it's not my cause. I can't really be a warpriest when I don't truly, fully believe in the worth of the fight. A warpriest keeps his brother warriors believing in the worth of the fight, even when all hope of winning seems lost. But how can I do that when I don't really believe to begin with? Why did Tempus even make me a Warpriest?

    When Uljas explained why he came to Narfell, I kept on thinking back to the giant warrior that saved mother and me from the demons in Jiyyd. That seems so long ago now, and I've lost a lot of memories. But that one never fades. What does it mean? Does Tempus want me to fight demons? Does He want me to protect the weaker? Hells, even if He told me what I'm supposed to fight, would I be able to do it without worrying?

    I hate these doubts. There's warriors who don't drink or go with women because they say it clouds the mind, but these doubts are so much worse. It feels like there's a ton of rocks on my chest, pinning me down._


  • _I pulled myself together enough to go trough with the opening of the Academy, and it went pretty well. It actually gave me the hope the Academy could turn out just fine. But now Vladimir is turning into an even bigger idiot than he already is. How am I supposed to teach people that life isn't to be taken at a whim,
    that it's something you can't rebuild or undo, and that it's absolutely wrong to kill a man when he's helpless, or sleeping. Or to use poison or disease, when he constantly argues that it's fine to do whatever it takes to earn victory. More than that, he spouts this nonsense right in front of the few Initiates we have.
    He can crawl back into his cave along with the drow if he thinks that I have to tolerate him corrupting the Academy's soul until we're training murderers and assassins. He's not that valuable, and I didn't come all this way to put up with this sheite.

    Things like this make me want to go trough with the church of war idea I talked about with Val. At least nobody would argue that we'd train warriors. How can you even talk about morals and believes without considering the gods? They're the ones who give us the different paths of morals to follow, and there's a hell of a lot of them. They're not all right, but there's still enough for anyone.

    And to top it all, I haven't had a good battle in longer than I can imagine. The drow attacked Norwick but one of the first arrows caught me in the leg and took me out of the fight. So I missed that. I don't know what Tempus is trying to tell me with this. Not that it was all that important to me, but it would have been a chance to earn glory for myself and Him. All I ended up with was a few words before it started. What a farking waste._


  • _Everything is turning bland. It started when I was first thrown into that prison, and I thought it would pass but it didn't. And now everything is turning bland. Food and drinks don't taste as good as they used to. Rain doesn't feel as good as it did. Even being with Mia doesn't leave me with the satisfaction it did before. It feels like my soul is starving, and all these things are only crumbs and drops.

    I try to focus on the Academy, on doing what I started. But it's getting harder and harder, and I worry more about it every day. I worry if I'm up for it and I worry if it'll work as I once hoped it would. But it's just something I cling to by my nails to stop me from falling over.

    My soul craves battle, needs it. And not just endless hunts or raids too, but true battle. Desperate, meaningful battle where nothing else matters. The kind of battle where you no longer expect to survive. Last time I felt that was in the gnoll woods, and nothing since then. I don't know what scares me most; the fact that I'm turning into a war addict or the fact this isn't bloodlust. If it was bloodlust, I could temper it, I could learn to handle it. But I don't know how to handle this. Meaningful battles don't come as easy as just walking out the gates and cutting down dozens of orcs, or kobolds, or whatever.

    On one hand I just want to be left alone. I want to build a cabin or get a tent somewhere out of the way, and hunt and fish and just live in peace. I can almost stand the craving when I'm alone (or with Mia. She's quiet, she's nice and she doesn't complain and whine about useless sheite).
    But on the other hand, I'm a warpriest. I'm supposed to deal with people.

    Tempus, where do I go? What do I do? Who am I?_


  • _"Time to retreat!" he heard them shout over the sharp clanging of metal on metal, over the dull snap of breaking bones and the tearing of flesh, but it was already far too late for that. Gnolls were pouring over the group in an endless wave, the small group unable to hold the tide back. They moved as one endless blur of axes, fangs and dirty fur. It was too late for an organised retreat, and the whole group would likely be picked apart if it turned into a rout. Death grinned and the crows would have a feast today. But not yet.

    Wherever he was, which side he was on and what he was fighting became irrelevant, as did the reason to live to see tomorrow. There was only here and now. He banged his warhammer on his shield as he lost sight of his allies and another wave of dogmen surged forward. He was not going to live trough this, and the knowledge gave him peace. As he smashed his hammer and shield wherever they would land, breaking limbs and ribs, he felt no fear or doubt. He chanted the Song of the Sword under his heavy breathing as he drove deeper and deeper into the seemingly endless horde of howling, gnashing monsters. He vaguely recognized the terrible damage the axes were doing to his armor, and he vaguely felt the giant scythe of the packmother cleaving trough his back plate, tearing flesh free from his bones.

    But there was no pain. The more desperate his fight became, the lighter his soul fell, the louder the Song pounded in his ears and the brighter the glorious light of Tempus shone in his eyes. And when his traitorous body finally gave up, unable to go on, there was both fury and peace behind his eyes. This was a good death._


  • _I'm starting to figure it out. Or at least, I didn't go insane. After being kicked out of prison I did some mercenary work for a while, mostly around Oscura. The pay was fairly decent and people left me alone. I didn't feel like a priest anymore though, and I didn't pretend to be one. Until one night I was talking to Chea, and everything started falling together again. I never really cared what I fought for. The moments I felt truly at peace, when I felt true faith and the hand of Tempus on my shoulder were during those few strange battles I've seen. The one in the shadow plane, the one on the desert world and the one on the fire plane. Funny that non of them took place in this world, but it still thought me enough. They were places that were incredibly dangerous, were just about everything was out to kill us and the stakes were high. There was no chance to retreat. It might have felt desperate to others at times but things never felt that real. There was only then and there. Nothing else mattered.

    Since then the prayers and teachings are all coming back. I'm not entirely sure what it all means but I know it's these moments I live for, and the rest of my time should be spent preparing for these moments. So I raid and gather gold for now. I'll get some better armor for myself, I'll save up for a real temple. Ormpur still feels like a good location, but I'll have to clear out the undead there and the demons on the way there. There's also that ruined tower halfway into the pass. Wouldn't make for such a bad place either, but those gypsies might have something to say about it.

    Side note: I whine too much. Stop whining._


  • _One more month is what they told me. One more month until they let me out, and I still don't know what to do with it. Where to go, what to do. I have to spend two years in prison to get right back where I was. At least before I knew I was a priest of Tempus, even though I didn't know what that meant. Now, I don't know if I'm even that anymore. How did I even get to being a priest of Tempus?

    I only remember a few things of those days. I remember leaving Peltarch, and father left me and my mother in the N'Jastan camp. And then he was off to fight, just like that. I guess he felt he did enough to make sure we wouldn't get in the way of whatever crusade he was on.
    We didn't live there long either. A few weeks in, someone opened the gates and demons started pouring out, tearing apart everyone around. People screaming, burning, beaing torn apart. Strange things howling in the night as they ripped trough unprepared soldiers and servants. My mother took my hand and we ran, we ran. My chest was burning and still we ran. And then I tripped. I thought I was dead for sure, I could feel them chasing us. And just when I thought it was all over, a giant came out of nowhere. I never did see his face. All I remember was the the massive armor with a glowing symbol on it.. a burning sword. I didn't know it back then, but it must have been a warpriest of Tempus. He stood between us and the demon.. it was even bigger, twice as large, with horns, and wings the size of a house.. and they fought. I crawled up to my feet and mother pulled me along. I never did look back, I never did find out who won. I never saw that giant again though.

    A little later we were in N'Jast. Father had made it back along with a few soldiers, and they got busy building and preaching right from the start. He never had any time for me and mother anymore. I don't remember much at all, just that there was a temple in N'Jast, full of soldiers that had the same symbol as the giant on their armor and shields. One of the priests told me about Tempus, and what sort of god Tempus is. He's a free god, who fights, hunts, feasts.. I didn't want to become a craftsman. I know my father wanted me to, but I didn't. So I had to escape. I joined the clergy and escaped from N'Jast. I even had to leave mother behind. Now, I wish I hadn't. It feels like she was the only person who really cared about me. Hells, in the years since I've left N'Jast, I don't know if there's been anyone else. Father may have cared when we still lived in Peltarch, but after the war he had changed too much.

    I used to be happy running from it all. But now I've been stuck in one place too long and it's all catching up with me. And now I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if there's anything worth staying here for, and I don't know what's worth seeing or doing elsewhere. If Tempus wants me to fight for what I believe.. well, I don't know what I believe. Or even if Tempus wants me at all anymore.

    What the hells happened to me?"_


  • _Tiny green men are coming out of the walls, out of the stone floor. They crawl around, into my ears. They're everywhere, and they're watching me. They talk to me too, sometimes. I can hear them scraping in the walls. I can feel them moving in my ears.

    Tiny green men._


  • _Almost a year now, or more. It's hard to tell in here, even when working outside. The world moves on but every day is the same to us. At least I'm getting to know the people who are in here with me, and in the same work group.

    There's Kado, apparantly a former Defender, a "hero" of the N'Jast war. He's in here over something with a noble, but he doesn't share what. He's a good man, though. It's typical that those people will turn on their protectors as soon as the threat is gone. Cowards, the whole lot of them.

    There's a halfling called Grin. Pretty appropriate name for a thief and thug who's always getting into trouble, but won't stop joking about it. There's something about his sarcasm, and his sense of irony, that makes this place just a little more bearable.

    Now, Kosh I can relate to. Half-orc mercenary, and a Temposan. Ended up in Peltarch and got into a fight with some sailors, where those searats had to do with a few less straight bones. We watch each others' backs in here, and out there. I hope he gets out when I do.

    Amaliel's an elf. You'd think she wouldn't last a single week of the work they have us doing, but she's a lot stronger than she looks. In a way, she reminds me of Yana. I heard she's been in here since before the war. When the city was occupied she escaped, only to turn herself in again afterwards. Nobody knows why, or what she did though.

    And Herrick. Killed another man over a girl, and he got tossed in here. Not much to say about him.

    Elidur came to "visit", and the rat didn't do anything but laugh at me. He tossed me a string of beads of Tempus, which is even worse. He knows I'm no good here as a priest, and now he's insulting my god too. It was nothing short of saying 'look at where following your god got you, and look at the free coward I am'. He called me an animal. I'll prove him wrong once I get out of here. Animals don't break every bone in your body for revenge.

    Yana spent a day here, replacing another guard. I talked to her about the law a bit. She believes in it, but law is still a farce. There's a handful of gods saying they know what law is all about, and even they can't agree what it is. There's no such thing as justice, there's only people telling other people what to do. It's one group of people telling other people what to do, how to live their lives, and enforce it with guards and prisons. All it takes is another group of people with the skill and will to stand up to it, for it to fall apart. At least war is honest._


  • _It's been an interesting few weeks, though I doubt the next few years are going to be.

    I spoke with Maya. She claims to have had a vision, and that it may have had something to do with me. I don't know about that, but she would teach me for now. We also decided it would be a good idea to raise a shrine to Tempus somewhere. She also said I should try living in Norwick, and now I know why…

    I got into a fight with Elidur. Well, it wasn't much of a fight. The coward picked one, then put a spelltrap in place and ran off. The guards didn't care when I found him in the commons, nor did they care when I shot an arrow into his leg, nor did they care when he screamed like he was being flayed. In hindsight, I should have just killed him. Now I'm rotting in this cell and he's running around, living proof that cowards will always win as long as they have people to hide behind. Where is the justice in this?

    It's been a few days now, and I'm starting to think I should have just left when I had the chance. I thought it would be the honourable thing to stay and face the consequences of what I did, but now I've given up more than I was ready to give up. The guards won't let me have anything sharp enough to spill even a few drops of blood with.. I can't feel Tempus' presence in this cell, and if I can't even spill a few drops of blood, even my own blood, for the next two years, I don't know if I'll ever feel His presence again. What good am I like this?

    So this might just have caused me my freedom, my god and my purpose, whatever it would have been. And for what? Because I thought that my honour and courage would give me victory, that I would earn Tempus' favor in a battle I did not understand, nor had the weapons to fight, if I fought it with courage all the same. Where did I fail?

    Even if I want to escape or die trying - at least I'd die fighting for my freedom - I can't help feeling I'm in here for a reason. Not because this is justice, or because their laws are right, but because Tempus wanted me to be in here. I don't know why though. With the plan to raise a shrine, I thought I'd finally have some way to really serve as I should.

    Does He want me to teach prisoners? I don't know these people, and the guards barely let us talk. They make us do all kinds of work they can't bother to do, and after that most of those locked in here with me are too tired to listen. Or maybe they're just too broken to care anymore. Am I going to end up like that?_


  • _And I've prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. I've prayed for days. For weeks now. In the sun, in the rain, in the snow. I've seen the sun rise and set and rise again and I'm still praying.
    But nothing comes. No words, not even a whisper. No sign. No warpriest to teach me. Nothing. What can I do but keep praying though?

    At least the choices I see have become a little more clear, a little more limited.
    I could give everything I have and am to Tempus. I could devote everything to Him and take a step apart from this world. I would fight on different sides, for everything and nothing. I would ensure prisoners on any side are treated well, and that warriors on any side fight with honour. I would deal with those who died in battle, and I would do my best to guide those warriors who need it.

    Or I could fight for myself. I could start raiding and take what I want. It would still be with honour, and it may even teach other the value of defending themselves. And I'd fight for myself, which is always the easiest to do.

    Or I could fight for my home, and my friends. I could join the Peltarch Defenders. But I'm not a soldier. I don't think I could take orders like that, march when I'm told, fight when I'm told, sleep when I'm told. And in the end I might even be taking orders from those who don't pray to Tempus at all.

    Tempus, what do you want me to do? Why is it harder to decide what's worth fighting for than actually fighting?_