3. It's Only Skin Deep

It's Only Skin Deep


  • Daughter,

    I'm getting this to you much later than I wanted to, your mother has been very busy these past couple of months since arriving here.

    Would you believe I had a lover? He insisted that he loved me for the longest time, but I didn't want to believe that your father was still gone…I still wanted to believe that somehow he would return to me. Every day Elith would profess his love for me, and each day he did my heart grew warm to him until finally I fell in love again. I thought a new beginning was coming, hope for me, and a father for you, if you ever happened to return.

    But as you well know, most things in my life come to a tragic end. I am not weeping for myself, child, it is the way of The Fated. Our road was, is and will be rocky, though full of glory. He was under the influence of a dark shadow, and was vulnerable to it. Deaths followed his mistake and soon he was exicuted. I thought I might have a brother or sister for you, but it was a false telling. I was pregnant with sorrow it seemed, the child I bared became grief.

    I am still sad, most don't see it anymore, the sadness, I have started to laugh again, the first laugh came after a Hin, Gears, played a trick on...friends of mine, Ronan and Aramuil.

    Wouldn't you know it? Oreth is here, I found him, Zyphlin too, you remember them don't you? And Ty of course, when I thought he would never return.

    I have met many wonderful people here, my hand would cramp to list them all.

    On a silly note, I was permitted to dance nude in one of the towns. Your mama is now free to express herself! Something I'm sure you'd be embarassed about if you were here!

    Tear drops smear some of the following words

    I miss you so Dierdre, not a day goes by that you are not in my thoughts.

    Your Mother,

    Dondiah


  • Havons Song:

    Spin round spin round in rain ye dally
    Spin round spin round neath dark clouds rally
    To praise and sing its holy name
    And to bring it forth to shine ordained

    The sun in sky up high above
    Its light on ye ane wing of dove
    Like law itself it ever burns
    Ever as the world turns


  • _A time for trouble
    But troubles past
    A time for bliss
    Is what I ask

    The hazy gray
    A murky feel
    A hand to hold
    The leg to kneel

    Lost in voice
    Lost in song
    I write these words
    Though you've been gone

    The last touch
    The last laugh
    The last tear
    The lost path…

    No, found again
    The veil lifted
    The eyes see clear
    Resolve has shifted

    Not up to fate
    Not up to her...
    Future in my own hands
    Though...faced in fear._


  • I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, as horrible as that sounds.

    Things seem to be going too well lately. Ty'eth is safe, Risty is safe, all my friends are doing well. I find myself worshiping more and more as of late, as if to protect from whatever is coming, as if to cover myself from whatever I can think of with a blanket of comfort, my goddess. Am I using her as a crutch? Am I putting too much of my fear and reliance in her rather than myself?

    I admit I think more and more about Dierdre every day. I just want to know what has happened, to recieve a sign. Is she a vampire? Is she dead? Did she escape?

    These questions haunt my waking moments, and penetrate my dreams.


  • I never thought it would be strange to get used to my old skin, but it is.

    I now have to think about wearing a helm so as not to frighten the townspeople. Revealing myself to most people has been less of a fearsome task and more of a joyus celebration, my friends are happy for me, and my long trusted aquaintances seem to not be bothered in the slightest about my change, about me becoming who I once was.

    More recently, after a talk with Risty, I was able to show my true self to my brothers and sisters without fear of injury or jeers because of the Eilistree Festival that Ama organized, it was the biggest thing anyone has ever done for my goddess and I thanked her profusely. I was able to give a talk on the Dark Maiden, my beliefs, what they mean to me and the general goodness that comes from the moonbeams above, Eilistree smiling down on us. Then we danced until we were dizzy and drank until we could drink no more and ate until we were stuffed. It was a good, fun, joyous night.

    Lin, the Shevarash, even showed up. I was wary at first but she was there to greet Ty'eth in peace and to get her necklace from him. I was surprised, of course, and wary at first because I do not trust her, but it was amicable enough. It was a miracle, almost, and I'm sure the Dark Maiden had her hand in that exchange. I just hope that this is the start of understanding and peace between the two, or at least not murdering each other outright.

    Ah, Ty'eth, yes, he was returned to us, though he can't remember exactly where he was or who was holding him when he was kidnapped, but he was obviously mindwiped. I am just so glad to have him back, and though I tried to easily live with the memory of Deidre I think about her all the time now, wondering if she is still alive, wondering where Din'Ver is and how I can reach her. My nights have become sleepless now, staring at the stars, waiting for a sign.

    Where are you?


  • Things had turned out alright….everything was working itself out...and then they took him, just like Deirdre was taken.

    Deirdre, I will never find you, I know that now, but Ty'eth?

    I will find you, this I swear.


  • It has been so long…too long since I've written in this book.

    So many adventures and so much has happened since my last entry.

    I have found someone to be with, Risthernil (Risty) for short. Aqua eyes, black hair and easy to laugh, I would have to say he is probably the most handsome male of any race I have ever been with, and the most lighthearted. It does me good to be around him, he brings out the joy in me, the laughter. He makes me so very very happy.

    As for the drow I wrote of earlier, Ty'eth is his name. His story is a long one, needless to say he was different, he was good. Peacefully he lived in the glade behind the waterfall and I swore to protect him should he come to any harm. He was still being hunted by many groups and we wished only his safety, he granted me the gift of my skin back, which is an entirely different story altogther.

    Now he is in jail, for a crime that I'm positive he didn't commit. Now I am the one who must defend him. Luckily, many of my friends have also met and befriended them, I hope they'll step up and come to his aid in this dark time.


  • It seems that Rhylin has come to give us a gift and stay for 7 days in Narfell. After a very stressful (for me) conversation and having to dress as a drow again I have managed to keep our run a secret for the time being. Though alerting my friends to her presence, most of them have avoided her, and rightly so. The he time for her to go home is fast approaching, I pray she makes it home safely.

    Recently, I joined Ama, Jin, Ael'Que, and Suldi on a trip to the ettins where we were met by many a foul tempered giant. On our way back, a drow was running ahead, setting traps and either being shot at or shooting us… (Not sure which). I attempted to speak to him in his undercommon tongue and surprisingly he responded. He thought us all savage faries who salughter and kill. I let him know that pretty much everything does that is alive...

    Strange coming from a drow, his opposition to what he considered violence, though hist traps were very good and we triggered many, almost losing Jins life. Eventually, we were able to corner him in a small room where I, with Amas help, attempted to convince him to walk in the light as Eilistraee bades all the dark ones of our kin underground. He was scared the entire time, I could tell through his speech and mannerisms.

    When I told him I could dance, he asked me to dance, and I was unconvinced that he wasn't trying to just capture me, and when I wouldn't take his hand, he captured me anyway and had me tell everyone to get back. I did and everyone did except for Ael'Que who was beside himself (in his own stoic way) that I had been captured. I tried to let him know that I was alright, I knew that if the drow had wanted to kill me, he would have done it a long time ago.

    There were some strained words exchanged and he drug me out into the hall, before he shoved me towards Ael'Que he whispered that he would think on my words, and I really do think he will... I would like to go back to the caves to learn his name, and perhaps talk with him in a less stressful situation. Suildi kept wanting to kill him, I think I shall avoid inviting him on the next trip.

    On another note, Thorn sent me a lovely letter and some cookies, which heightened my spirits a great deal. I think I'll go visit him as soon as I can.


  • A Sad Goodbye

    Day came and it was time to go home, Isiolia walked us back to our camp, a heaviness in our hearts that we might never be able to return to thier village. Before we left we learned they called their village Valos and that they wished to carve the fangs that we had given them as gifts to us. We begged them to keep them to remember us always and to tell their generations of the kind dark elves who came to the surface to do good works. A large heavy bag was given to us as gifts and we felt it fruitless to keep refusing and graciously accepted. Fadia was one of the saddest to leave, claiming she wished to come back. I took her aside and had to explain that we could never return and why, and she understood.

    The boat back was quiet and uneventful aside from sharing the gifts we had been given, lovely helms and capes, with a few bottles of their wine. Though I was sad to go, I felt confident that what we had done was good, right and just for the people and for my religion as well as all the dark elves that were good and who would have loved to go on such a journey, but could not. Thorn sulked at the bow of the ship and by then I had had it with his attitude and frankly so had almost everyone else. Neb came out and asked him what his problem was, but he claimed not to have one. This entire time I never knew exactly what his issue was until we got off of the boat and Eluriel and Fadia told me. They said he had said quite frequently what he had issue with but he must have said it to them and not to me, the leader of this dangerous expidition. In retrospect, I wish he had so that we might have spoken sooner though later we had a heart to heart and are now just as close as we ever were.

    It was a hard journey for everyone to be sure, but the impact we had on the lives of those elves will never be forgotten, we changed the hearts and minds of an entire people! Now, if dark elves do cross paths with anyone from that villiage, maybe they'll ask questions before drawing a blade or bow.

    Maybe they'll give them a chance.


  • A Chance

    Stepping forward I had my hands raised to show I clearly was not making a move to fight. The female elf that had been shooting us was there (I later learned her name was Isiolia with Galahist) with another male and demanded to know our business. I told her what we were doing there, to spread kindness and change minds. Eventually after explaining over and over again in different ways that we meant no harm, I learned that they had been burnt once before and still the evil of the betrayers remained. The drow were failthful of Lolth and one of her queens still lived in a cave not far from their village where there was ore to be mind. Several had tried to If we were as goodly as we claimed, they said, we would erase the evil that was done once before by the betrayers, righting their wrong and earning their trust. We were to bring back the fangs of the deceased arachnid as proof.

    Isiolia then showed me the cave, letting me know that if me and my kind strayed from the trail we would be shot. The cave was rife with Lolth paraphanelia, elven skulls littered the ground. which of course disgusted me, the emotion written clearly on my black face. Silently I walked back the path and to our camp, much to the relief of everyone. I relayed the information and we all made our way to the cave. A shifted tiger and shifted panther were there, possibly to keep an eye on us. Neb and Thorn were picked on a bit by the cats, which was amusing during the cleansing of the caves. Hundreds of spidars were still lurking there and we cut them down easily but not without a few bumps along the road. We were sapped of our strength at one point so bad that Thorn became completely useless. Eluriel was able to restore most of use to normal and chided Thorn for not having a scroll, which I think hurt his feelings but honestly at that point everything was.

    Eventually we came to the queen and working together as a team brought her down. Soon we came upon the body of the caster in a ritual circle. Fadia said that it would fade in time, and so we left it undisturbed. I double and triple checked that we had cleared the cave completely and then went back to the body of the queen and removed her fangs. We came out, a exhausted but victorious and gave them the fangs. It might have been surprise that was on their faces, but as we slowly introduced ourselves, each of my friends cordial and eloquent, except for Thorn (who what, waved and smiled?) they started to warm to us. We were asked what we had to teach them and I of course mentioned my song and dance which they mentioned that their youth would be interested. Eluriel then mentioned to me that she was a master bowyer and I brougth this to thier attention. I had little else to say after that, many were very very interested and I smiled as Eluriel explained her equisite craft to them.
    We were shown a new place we could camp, not in the village but definitely near it. A lovely glade sheltered from the harsh winds. We thanked Isiolia and Galadhist; Fadia, Eluriel and Thorn started to set up camp attempting to teach Neb how to do that very thing.

    When night fell I donned my bells and started to sing and dance. Two elves shyly approached us, Rhylin and Bre'int'le, to watch me dance and asked Fadia, Eluriel and Neb about us and were surprised that we did much the same things that elves did, which is what any elf on the surface would do. I remember Rhylin asking us with a surprised voice that we ate "What all the other elves did and not puppies." This caused laughter from some of us and immediate denile from others. I danced and sang well and even danced with Rhylin for a little she had quite the natural talent. Bre seemed less interested in what was going on, until I danced near him, and though his face was firm set his eyes wer on me. I hoped I came through to him at some point. Then we had a small conversation with the enthusastic Rhylin before Bre called her back to the village. I believe Thorn was mostly in a tree for the entire time, but was observing.

    The next day poor neb was almost attacked by a dire bear, luckily Fadia awakened in time to help him. When I awoke we were on edge and only relaxed after Isiolia had said the bear had gone. Isiolia joined us for breakfast (which Eluriel and Thorn tried to show Neb how to gather) and we had many conversations about life in narfell but I remembered to keep it mostly general. The closer we became with these elves, the more we would have to remember to leave things about ourselves out. This proved more and more difficult for us as we truly bonded as we would find out.
    Isiolia then led us to the village where we were treated to Eluriel making masterwork bows to the rapt attention of Galahist, Rhydin, Isiolia, Bre and several other of the elves of the village. It was quite an amazing sight. The skill of her rendering the wood, carving, shaping, oiling, bending, etching, it was all kind of…magical, and I felt lucky to be apart of it, even if just watching. Fadia and Thorn were talking to each other, Thorn looking in better spirits than the few days before, which made me smile.

    After she was done making a lovely natural bow for Rhylin and night began to fall, we were led to a grove where the younger elves of the village gathered to dance and sing, which all of us except for Thorn happily joined in the dancing and singing. After awhile I was asked to teach the young of the village a dance. Everyone sat and watched while the village elves served dinner and drinks. I showed them all a couple of moves into a simple dance that all could do in many combinations of ways. All seemed joyous and laughing and it did sadden my heart a bit to know that we would not return.


  • The Island

    We set to dying our hair and staining our skin. I immediately stripped and started to slather on the balm, much to Nebs….embarrassment? Arousal? I know not which but it was cute to see him blush. Eluriel went to the cover of a tree to do so and I aided Neb with the rest while Fadia aided Thorn and vice versa. Unfortunately, Neb could not continue to have his magical facial hair, as he would be quickly spotted as a peculiar drow and we might have our cover blown. I gently shaved it off, much to his sullen agreement and once we were all done staining, dying and clothing ourselves, we set out to hunt on our way to the Elvin village.

    The forest was rife with dire weasels and boar, and we easily killed a few, Fadia and Eluriel set to swiftly skinning them for the pelts and properly packing the meat for later with Thorn carrying the bag once they were finished. We could tell when we were getting close by way of a sturdy, well designed rope bridge across a crevice, before heading over I saw a small string glint in the light and told everyone to hold back, thinking it might be a trap. Eluriel came to investigate and disabled the trap, allowing us safe passage over the chasm.

    I believe this is when we first ‘met’ Isiolia. After we were safely across, a large wall of flame lit up the night and a rain of arrows came forth. Unable to react quickly enough many of us just plain scattered Fadia and Eluriel called at our assailants that we meant no harm, and once I had healed everyone who needed healing (including myself) I came to the front to announce our business after the wall of flame had dissipated. We were told to go back where we came from or be harmed farther.

    Fadia suggested I do a dance, so, shaking and sweating, I donned my bells and started to sing what I thought was a song I knew but because I was so nervous I gave one of the worst performances of my life, hitting the notes off key and kind of stumbling through it. I noticed the elf that had shot at us wincing and falling back into the blackness…at least I got her to stop hurting us, right?

    We soon made camp, exhausted and injured. As the sun rose, Thorn shimmied up a tree to see what he could see and started to ask if he could scout. After what had just happened I said no. He could be captured or worse and he was too precious to me for me to have that on my shoulders as well as the assault. I still feel guilty for running. Not liking my response he continued to ask if he could scout and I continued to say no, growing weary with the requests. Eventually, he went to go sulk by a waterfall which was irritating but was later joined by Fadia which I was happy with because at least he wasn’t alone. Sometimes I forget how much younger than me he is.

    Meanwhile, while the set up of camp was going on, I tried to figure out our next steps, and finally coming up with something that might work. We would cook the meat and leave it with a note by the village entrance with the best cuts. Then the subject of poison came up. So then we thought perhaps while eating in plain sight we could leave the meat with a villager or two. Several strategies were thought of and the sun went down again.

    I thought maybe a better song and dance might bring people out to be curious about us…in a positive way. So I donned my bells once again and started to sing the song about two star-crossed lovers. This was one of the best performances I’ve ever given and in my mind, redeemed my previously crappy one from the night before. Thorn and Fadia came to the camp; I think to watch me dance, I was glad to see them with the rest of the group again. Singing and dancing, everything was going wonderfully; I even tried out a few new moves, and then the wall of fire once more and the rain of arrows with a declaration that they did not want any of our drow magic or sinful singing. I took as many arrows as I could manage, attempting to ignore the piercing pain to try and explain that we were here in peace and kindness, not to harm, before I finally had to run for cover.

    Despite their best efforts we did not run and continued to keep our camp where it was. Through our preperations, mostly Eluriel and Fadias, as they were the experts on how best to carve the animals and cook them, a small herd of deer came through, as pretty as you please while I stayed watch at the front of the encampment on the village side. It was nice to see something calm, a symbol of peace but there was something odd about them. They grouped together and just…stood there, watching us, as if what we were doing was the most interesting thing. The night was a quiet and peaceful one as we were preparing and after the morning came, they left, one by one.

    An arrow came whizzing through the air and landed in the ground, a scroll rolled up around it. It requested that one of us go forth and be representative for the group. Even though I was sure this was a huge step towards becoming friendly with the elves, in no way did I want it to be a trap and to have one of my dear friends fall into it. Everyone looked to me to decide who to go and of course I said I would. We came up with a strategy as to what to do if it was a trap and when to come after me and then I went forward, arming myself with words first and the blade only if they were going to kill me.

    I walked alone, apprehensive....hopeful.


  • Kill first and ask questions later.

    How many dark elves or redeemable drow have died because of this philosophy? How many more will? How can they come into the light, into the grace of Eilistraee when their brothers and sisters above grant them evil before even a word is spoken? Is it so hard to think that betrayers are redeemable? Are there not evil Sun Elves, corrupt Dwarves, twisted Gnomes, and ruthless Halflings? Not all who walk in the light are good and not all who dwell in darkness are bad, that is a fact.

    For the past ten day we represented those fallen, we were the voices for those good souls who were mercilessly were slaughtered in the name of closed mindedness, of fear, of uncertainty.

    The Beginning

    The message we sent was simple and clear “Please think before shooting, before slaying, before attacking. Give them a chance to walk in the light.”
    I first asked Nebriyewyn, interestingly enough, the newest of my friends. Unwaveringly he accepted who I was and the intense danger of the situation. His kindness made tears well in my eyes. He was firm and resolute in his answer. I think he was the only one who came out the same as when he went in.

    He has since departed, to seek out other adventures, probably far from here. Perhaps my dancing dazzled him, or the shine of my armor was especially pleasing, or I was kind to him when no one else was. He had been pining for me since he came to Narfell and we did have a wonderful date but after that night I could not see myself with him in the future; he is so young and so bright eyed! Despite what he claimed to feel in his heart, I am not the one for him. I am one with a heavy past and weighted heart. There is a woman for him, somewhere, perfect in every way for his light heart and his tender ways.

    Then Fadia – Interestingly enough, we have become closer in these recent few years, her being with one of my oldest friends here does that I suppose. I have grown very warm to her; she is one of the few elves here that I feel I can wholly relate to with experience, age and demeanor. She also accepted who I was and The Run request with open arms, and unwavering certainty. Fadia is a friend that I’ve never seen as too uncertain about anything, she is solid and sure of her decisions, and that kind of confidence was greatly needed on The Run.

    Then Thorn –Ah, poor Thorn. I thought I explained to him in it’s entirely what The Run was, for he too unwaveringly agreed to go on it. I emphasized to him and to everyone how dangerous and treacherous, how different this kind of thing was. Somehow the message of it all got lost on him and all he could see was deception. This bothered him greatly but we were able to talk about it recently and come to an understanding. I respected that he did not feel honest but I explained to him that it is how I feel much of every day since I came to this land, and that to me it wasn’t deception on our own part, but redemption for those who dark elves who were slain on sight and who have never gotten to go on The Run because of quick decisions and fear. I think this point of view has helped him since then

    Then Rith – A connection made with her turned into an invitation to which she was conflicted with at first but then accepted. I felt sad having to mention that we wouldn’t be doing it in Norwick, and so she was unfortunately unable to join us. I did think of her now and again throughout our trip, she would have made a great addition to the group.

    Then Eluriel - Now she was definitely the most thoughtful about coming on The Run. She did not accept right away but asked to think on it. I gave her time to do so, and let her know I would not be offended if she chose not to come. Luckily for me, knowing the true me, she decided she would.

    The moments building up to our departure I spent praying and going over old notes I had of what The Run would require of my friends. I gathered the proper leaves for the hair dye and the proper berries to create the salve that would stain our skin. I reread what it would require of my friends and prayed again. I don’t know if I’ve ever prayed so often to the Dark Maiden for anything else before. I often pray that she will hear me and think me a worthy Champion once more, but this was like nothing else. My friends, the most precious things in my life were risking their own lives so I could complete a celebration to my goddess. Nothing else spoke of love to me more than having them agree to this endeavor and I wanted to do whatever I could to ensure their protection no matter how capable or how skilled they were in defending themselves, I did not want them to come to harm because of my religious ambition. That is how people fall. That is how countries fall. That is how Nations fall. I would not let them fall because of me.

    Not since I was a mother have I been so fretful or nervous about anything. When Neb, Thorn, Eluriel, Fadia and I met we had a small meeting before setting out. Again I reiterated what we would be doing and the danger we could all be in; again I gave anyone the opportunity to leave should they feel that this task was not right for them in anyway, giving a pointed look at Neb. No one wavered; in fact, everyone seemed excited to do such a thing and to support me in this journey that could very well get someone hurt or worse.

    Making our way to the docks with everyone chattering was a cheerful moment; I would think on it how different it was than our return. However, on any journey almost no one returns the same as when they left. On the boat while Fadia and Thorn snuggled and Nebriyewyn ogled the sailors beard jealously, Eluriel informed me that she had also purchased silver hair dye for the trip. I should have told her beforehand that I had some, less permanent dye, but definitely appreciated her foresight and it turned out not to be a complete waste of money anyway (even though I tried to pay her back, she would have none of it).

    On our journey across the island on the Icelace, I expanded upon my past a bit, the story about the time that Dryden caught me in bed with Oreth and Red after an herb addled night and the result of me being in a short relationship with Onyx. Eluriel couldn’t understand Dryden’s feelings of betrayal and jealousy, very human feelings, according to her. Perhaps it was because we were raised in a human town; perhaps it was because we were more bold and rash than elves usually are. I am not one of the timeless; I cannot transcend these feelings like so many of my surface kin.

    Nearing the island, the sailor announced the price, far more than I had hoped but I figured we could all split the cost. Before I could do much about it Fadia had paid for the whole thing and wouldn’t hear of me even paying for half of it! Sometimes I think I don’t deserve such generous friends as these. The sailor then announced that due to the rocky conditions of the cliffs on the island, the boat could find no harbor or purchase. Neither did he have a canoe nor lifeboat to tender us from boat to shore. We had to jump and swim for it! Not very good planning on their part, but then again the sailor said he hadn’t really been out that way either.

    When we were debating how to go about doing this, perhaps swimming, perhaps clinging to a piece of wood or perhaps making a quick, makeshift raft, Thorn had already decided on his course of action and proceeded without farther input. Perhaps he had said what he was doing, but with the roar of the sea and the conversations going on all at once, how were we to hear. So he took a running leap and glided onto the cliffs with the help of magical boots. Meanwhile Neb was close enough to the place where Thorn had leapt that in the process he was knocked off balance and the one of us who could not swim was cast into the icy water. Fadia and I both scowled at Thorns impulsiveness and Eluriel set about to casting this and that onto Neb so he wouldn’t drown. After she had also cast protective spells on the rest of us, we took the plunge and arrived safely on land.

    I let Thorn know not to do anything like that again, especially now that we were on land and in dangerous territory, he frowned a bit, as he had not realized that Neb was in his way, but fully understood the gravity of our situation.

    I hoped that things would go smoother once we reached land….


  • The Run is fast approaching.

    Eilistraee protect Eluriel, Fadia, Thorn, and Nebriyewyn, we will need your guidance.


  • Who determined that Light was good and that Dark was bad?

    Dark can be comforting.
    Dark can be quiet.
    Dark can be peaceful.

    Light can be disturbing.
    Light can be piercing.
    Light can be harsh.

    I prefer when light and dark are in harmony.

    Dusk.
    Dawn.

    The suns colors burn brightest and radiant as the silvery moon shines its soft light. It is the blending of light and dark that brings balance, that is necessary.

    I had an intense conversation with Rith the other day when I invited her to the run. It seems she has gone through much the same thing I have gone through. Captured by drow, tortured by a Matron, left to starve and then fed, left to die and then revived, left to be broken and then fixed. Over and over and over again for a year, I know this method well, I had just come from it.

    As she relayed her phobia of drow, of her fear I nodded, I held her hand, I understood for I had been there before.

    I told her how the torture becomes nightmares, the nightmares memories and the memories experiences. That she will be able to bring light and radiance perhaps even better having lived through the dark. That she will better be able to defeat her foes because of the trauma, that she can be stronger for it. For here I was, standing in front of her, another victim of their malice, telling her that not all of them were bad. They will never go away, these things, but one can live, one can thrive.

    The first capture: I was made to be a receptacle for my half brothers advances in hopes of birthing a new race that could live in the light and take over goodly races. Orchestrated by my biological father and his matron, I was glad when I was rescued by my friends and when he perished at our hands.

    The second capture: They had us all chained and repeatedly molested me before using magic to get rid of my hair. I got it back.

    The third capture: As a Champion of Eilistraee I was quite high profile. I didn’t usually worship alone in unfamiliar territory. I had thought the perimeter was clear. It wasn’t, and for ten years they had me before I escaped. Every day for ten years I was tortured, beaten. Gradually they took my fighting abilities, then my dancing, then my singing. I was lost in the darkness..but my goddess never left me. You will walk again in the light Dondiah. You will once again be my Champion. My faith has never faltered.

    I was sad to hear that Rith could not come because she could not leave Norwick. While this made me sad I understood. After the conversation, Rith, Fadia, Thorn, Corwin and Nebriyewyn joined us for food and rest. While we rested I regaled a story of us, the fated six, humans Tych, Red and Oreth and elves Kaze, Dryden and me. I told them a bit of the Demon Knights, of Drapak and of Jordan, of the sickness of our town, and then the focus of the story Onyx. Onyx was brave, I said, he was kind and handsome, he was compassionate and beautiful. Rith commented that he should be a Dawnbringer, which made me smile. How lucky, even in the bad times with Dryden, that I was with Onyx.

    On another note, while I enjoy his company….I think…I fear Nebriyewyn is in love with me, or falling in love with me. A kind heart, but so young…I am concerned.


  • Hello old friend, old journal.

    Your binding is leather, original entries are starting to yellow.

    How many times have you been rebound, renewed?

    How many times have I copied entries from over 250 years ago?

    How old were you when I wrote about my first crush, Dryden?

    How old were you when I wrote that my mother and true father had died?

    How old were you when I wrote Dythanus, the drow who raped my mother, the cause of my ashen skin, was killed?

    I've died before, and I'll die again and I died just the other day.

    Sweet Nebriyewyn, thank the lady he wasn't killed either, I did enough to protect him, that's what gave me satisfaction. Troff and Rary also were there, Troff looking somber and Rary, like a concerned father, began to lecture me. Weak and frustrated, I kindly asked him for a lecture at another time.

    I forgot to mention I went on a date with Nebriyewyn, and something about him, something inside me I could explain to him of the true faith that I feel for Eilistraee, and why I feel the way I feel. I then asked him to participate in one of the last festivals I have yet to celebrate: the Run.

    He agreed, being my first and newest friend, this was a great honor to me. I went on to ask my close friends, Fadia and Thorn and had discussed it with Rith. Rith is lovely and I enjoy my visits with her as she takes her post at the temple of Lathander, I think she gets lonely up there even with Corwin. I could tell she wanted to join but wasn't sure if the illusion would be ruined if she were to join and regretfully had to tell her that she could not come, though upon farther thought I think I will have the run away from familiar faces and if she is interested still, I will ask her. I, however, am unsure if she needs to know the truth about me…only time will tell.

    Another I wish to ask is Eluriel, she was far more accepting and open about my background than I thought she would be...She had suspected something, I assume, she is very smart.

    I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many open hearts. I will soon pray to the Maiden that this goes well.


  • So much has happened since I last scrawled those notes of joy and hope, as I have learned to be in my very long life, everything that goes well I should always be cautiously optimistic towards.

    I thought Clay and I were going to have a future together. I don't know if it was cold feet, or the thought that was always ever present in his mind that he wasn't good enough for me that lead him to leave, but he is gone. I searched for him for many moons before it was obvious that though he was alive, he was well and did not want to be found by me. I wept, I screamed, I didn't eat for days, I couldn't sleep. I wandered the world like a zombie for a time, much like for Elith, but I couldn't continue on like I had before so I did what I had never wanted to do: I let him go…

    I sold my dress and my engagement ring. I was going to have his ring changed and engraved for our wedding so that our special rings could have more than one use and meaning...that I gave to Thorn, I thought he could use it and perhaps give to Clay if he ever returned.

    Clay will always have a place in my heart, and I don't think I've ever loved anyone as intensely as I loved him...but I now find myself moving on, moving forward, not forgetting and keeping him close to my heart, but healing as before and finding solace, as always, in Eilistraee.

    I have always kept up with my worship but am now more focused, without the distractions of an impulsive fiancée, on my true faith, the maintenance of my blade and pretty much ensuring that people would not kill me on sight if I still had my skin. I believe I am doing well in these areas, bringing much satisfaction to myself, as I hope my goddess.


  • I never realized how long I have waited for this moment until the moment happend.

    I don't know if I took it for granted or just got used to the idea, but I suppose I became complacent in our little "in-between" life we had. We were together, we were relatively happy, who cared what happened in our future so long as these truths remained consistant?

    With Dryden, I shared the elven bonding with him, but we never had a ceremony, he never asked me about it, we were just together long enough that one day it was just decided, it just became so. Dryden was a wild elf, and so I learned to love the earth and woods and more practical things in life that mattered. The things he gave me were words, experiences and small tokens. I learned to treasure each of these things as they were given to me.

    Elith and I never really got to that point, we almost did, but he was lost to me before we could ever bond or anything like that, the only thing I had left was his heart of valour and the pressed forget-me-nots he gave to me while trying to win my heart.

    And Clay, of course. He is so much more real, so much more solid. I can rely on him, trust him, know he will ever and always be there with me and for me. The other day we had a frighteningly near death experience in the Kua Toa caves, a smart rogue would attack and run, tricking me at first into following him, against Clays cries for me to do otherwise. I stopped of course once he went back into the more dangerous areas, I was not a complete fool ,but it was a tad reckless. Clay was nearly beside himself and I immediatly felt horrible. How would I have felt in his shoes? Probably the same, maybe worse. After the caves we reconciled and sold a few things in pelt, building our savings for a someday wedding. That was when Clay asked to have a large chunk from our savings and reluctantly I gave it to him. He said it was something for me, and that it was important and so all the way back to norwick and our small encampent by the falls, I guessed what it was and never once got it correct until he confessed his love, and got down on one knee.

    As a teenager and child, I was fortunate enough to be spoiled by my mother and father for as long as I could remember and always enjoyed the finer things life had to offer despite the color of my skin. In our tiny aristocratic world I was amazingly accepted. But after the plauge, I had to be more down-to-earth. My demands became requests which became suggestions which became wishes. I learned to care less and less for the material, and more and more for the spiritual so that only a few wordly vanities were ever important to me, and even then they were no longer at the top of my list.

    Out of all these experiences and people and things I have recieved, none have been so beautiful as the shining golden ring Clay slipped on my finger that day. Looking at it even now makes me smile and fills me with warmth, I have really never been so happy and so content in my entire life.


  • Recently I have been honing my skills against the local Gnolls, I often go by myself and pick them off one by one but I feel my sword getting more and more skillful, always finding new ways to utilize my skills to the best of my ability. Of course I did once go with Havon, and that was a very close call, we escaped narrowly, but relatively unscathed. He is a good fighting partner.

    Clay was not pleased when I told him of my recent adventuring, he likes to ever be at my side and the thought of losing me shakes him to his core. He told me he would be a sad and broken man if I was ever lost to him, melting my heart within my chest. He never fails to make me warm when is near, and never fails to let me know the extent of his love for me.

    After we made love the other night, we got on the subject of family and children, it was difficult, as I still weep for Deirdre and started to when we spoke of being a family, a mother and a father. He told me that he would never let what happened to Deirdre happen to our children, that he would go to the Abyss and the nine hells to get them and would make Lovitar envious of the pain he would cause to the person who took them away from us. My heart swelled with love for him, even if it's not true, even if he couldn't…I don't care, because I know he would do it or die trying and that is the man I fell in love with, and there is no one who can take his place.


  • It's been some time since I've taken the time to put pen to paper in this leather-bound journal of mine, but I feel that now I need to reassure myself of a few things so that my mind does not grow dull and lax, and forget what's happened, even though I revisit my memories in my dreams.

    Lately I feel closer to Clay than I ever have before, maybe it is because we no longer worry about the newness of our togetherness, maybe it's because now we are no longer new to each other and feel our love vibrate in our very veins whether we are together or apart, though we feel little desire to be apart, even infrequently. The Drow, of course, my bitter lineage, have not ceased to plague him with whispers of course, but he has found a way to live with it, getting more and more used to their threats, idle or otherwise.

    I cannot help but feel a profound sense of guilt at this. It is not solely because I'm a follower of the Dark Maiden, but because of my Drow Father, Daithanus, that this has happened to Clay. I'm suremy now dead father had some ties to whoever the matron of this house is, perhaps he served under her. And if this matron has found a connection to me through my one and only love, not to mention the entire house of hers must be stopped. I'm certain she has plans, and is using Clay to get to me, it is the way of Drow to do such. I try my best to sooth him, comfort him and take as much of the burden off of him as possible, but it is difficult with something of this nature. I wished they had cut my ear, were tormenting me. It's something I've done, been through before. I would give anything to spare him this burden, this pain, this plague.

    I'm attempting to formulate a plan, some way of destroying his old ear to sever the link. But to slip into the Underdark undetected and destroy a key item of the matron of a house is nigh impossible. If I could find out what position she is in, what number her house is, perhaps I could find a way for the houses to destroy one another…Much of this of course is all speculation. But I will not sit idly by while an evil creature tries to slowly chip away at the mind of the one I love more than anything in this or any other world.


  • The Abyss, Clays fight with Hammer, a capture by Drow, an old lover's return. It seems that no matter happens to and around us our love only gets stronger.

    In the way of good news, Rary was overly kind and provided the money needed to pay off our debt without asking much in return at all. "Take care of my elves" he said. Whatever that means I cannot say, though when I see an injured elf I take special care to heal them more tenderly.

    Today I awoke in the forest to find that Clay had been out picking wildflowers for me, and left a note with Jameson, who watches over me when my love is not around.

    He wrote of his udying affection for me, and let me know that our love was as solid as stone.

    This was a particular comfort to me, as Elith has recently returned to Norwick and admitted that while he has no true memory of us together his feelings for me remain unchanged. He still loves me and still has a strong urdge to protect me, to keep me from harm.

    It was so….difficult to see him again. Of course I still have love for him, care for him, wish him health and happiness...but Clay is who my heart belongs to, will always belong to and it is a thing I cannot, nor want to, change. Clay has become ever more responsive to my wild moods, my little breakdowns and instead of getting frusterated with my reaction to Elith, he comforted me, held me and told me that our bond was strong, no one could break it. He allowed me time alone to speak in confidence with Elith which did not go as well as it could have, but went better than I expected.

    I DO wish Elith love and happiness, it's what I've found again. But it seems he is unable to process the situation at hand and is having trouble to accept that I have found another. This could cause problems for Clay, who would like a monopoly on protecting me; I fear a larger conflict in the future, if Elith is unable to truely move on, or accept, or be happy with the status quo.

    I will still be here for him, be his friend and support, should he need me, but I will not be his lover again.