The journal of Sabre Seesaw
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Awww. Wipes away a fond tear…
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The fairytales end when the "I love you's" are spoken. A chaste kiss in the moonlight, a big, fancy wedding and living happily ever after. Real life is quite different of course, though the same basic storyline can be sketched even for people as unfairytale-like as me and Pavel. He's certainly not a knight in shining armour, nor am I a blueblooded princess or a fair damsel in distress. In our story, there is no dragon for him to slay to win my hand and half the kingdom, though that's not to say we haven't had our respective monsters to fight. From our first (very unchaste) kiss to the declaration of love, we have, in our own way, battled those impossible fairytale odds. There will be no bloody marriage though, gods no, not for us. Pavel even made me promise to never ask him to wed. He bought me a ring though, a simple, unassuming leather cord with a minor enchantment for stealth purposes. Slipped it onto my finger with an almost solemn smile, a similar ring already on his own hand. No words said, yet it clearly meant something. A symbol of belonging perhaps, though subtle enough for only the two of us to notice.
I love you. To think those words sounded so huge and frightening once upon a time, so daunting that I turned tail and ran rather than risk uttering them. Now I can't say it often enough, now the words seem too small and meager, horribly insufficient in expressing how I feel. He wishes he was a poet, he says, so he could find the right words to praise me by. Words aren't enough though, not nearly enough when he smiles so painfully brightly, when his eyes turn to molten silver, lit up from within with that light that burns only for me.
The Regal Whore, back room. How long did we stand there, just gazing into each others eyes? Time must have held its breath and tiptoed out of the room, closing the door softly behind it. He looked at me and cried, hot, clear tears falling freely down his smiling, beautiful face. Crying silently, as if the feeling was too large, too intense for his body to contain. I think it’s too much for both of us, as if the words ”I love you” was the key to unlocking a flood gate, the unleashed water rushing at us, peeling away layer upon layer of our protective clothing. Leaving us naked and shivering in its wake, clinging tightly to each other.
Each day, each embrace brings us closer and closer, blurs the lines that separate us. It’s an intimacy both frightening and welcome. An end to loneliness, but also a responsibility. How do I keep myself from hurting him, from screwing this up? I don’t know, the stories end where true love begins. I’ll find no help there, but one answer is perhaps balance. Trading back and forth, sharing strenghts and revealing weaknesses in equal measures. It requires trust, something which doesn’t come natural to either one of us, yet here we are, both trying.
He’s reluctant to place any demands on our love, says he wants me to remain who I am, free and unbound. A butterfly, going wherever her fancy takes her. I’m unsure if I quite believe him, though he probably thinks himself earnest. Maybe it is really he who wants no strings or ties to hold him, or maybe he’s just too shy, too unsure of himself to ask such committment of me? Or maybe he sees it as a form of ownership, I don’t know. I suspect I’m a lot more demanding though. Already I’ve made him promise two things, in spite of trying to hold back. Asked him to never die or leave me – at least not without giving me a chance to follow. He agreed, didn’t even hesitate, simply nodded and kissed me. I’m afraid there’s nothing he would refuse me, I’m afraid I’ll keep asking for more and more, until there’s nothing left for him to give. I’ll suck him dry with all my need and insecurities, and he’ll let me. I don’t want that to happen, but I know myself, I know only too well how hard it is for me to resist anything I really want. So I try to at least give back as much as I take, I try to offer even more in return.
He says he wants to learn more about me, about my past, my dreams, everything that drives me, all the thoughts swirling in my head. Won’t you be bored with me, when there are no secrets left to tell, I wondered. The more I know about you, the more I love you, he replied. Can I really believe that? It takes a certain courage to tear down the walls inside your own mind, to face the parts of yourself you rather weren’t there, and even more so to reveal them to another. But just maybe he could love those parts of me better than I can myself? It all comes down to trust again, to that leap of faith. I’ve begun to think back on my past, to sift through my memories – recovering the little gems, the treasured moments and the stupid messes, even the deeply hidden, painful memories, in order to share them with him.
Sometimes it’s easy.
I lay my head against his chest, listening to his heart gradually slowing its rythm after our lovemaking, the beats growing calm and steady, soothing. The scent of him fills my nostrils, his warmth surrounds me and his strong arms hold me gently, protectively. So easy to share anything then, so tempting, enjoyable even. We murmur little stories from our respective pasts, trade them like gifts, like bright, dreamlike images. A girl with long, black braids dives for pearls through the clear, azure water, while a sandy-haired boy and his friends roam the city streets, playing games and trying to tame a tressym. A time of innocence, before loss and pain shaped us. I wonder what we would have thought of each other if we had met then. In my mind’s eye, I picture the little girl circling the boy and his group cautiously, longing to be invited to play but too afraid to ask. Would the encounter have resulted in friendship or ended in a scuffle, braids pulled, a vengeful kick, the boy doubled over in pain while she ran?
Another inn room, another sweaty embrace leaves us gasping for air, nestling close together afterwards. He traces the outline of my body with a warm, strong hand, as if memorizing the shape of me. I hide my face against his neck, kissing the marks my teeth left on his soft skin. He tastes so good, my safe haven, my diamond in the rough, my love. He smiles softly and suddenly I want to tell him, want to bare it all for him. Want him to see all of me, everything. The girl tugs at my arm, her eyes wide and wary. She tries to squirm free, to hide behind me, but I take her hand and pull her along as I whisper her name in his ear. My long ago name, my birth name:
Sahlee – once upon a time, my name was Sahlee.
Suddenly I feel horribly exposed, so weak and defenseless, as if saying the name out loud has not only summoned the girl I was, but turned me right back into her. There’s power in names, the fairytales say, at least in the true names. Those are always hidden away in the stories, they are closely guarded secrets, since knowing them grants you power over the person named. Life is not a fairytale though, and who’s to say that my present name isn’t every bit as true as the one given me at my birth? Still, I had kept it hidden, kept it safe for all these years, ever since Hanr died. He was the last person to know, to speak it aloud, half a life time ago.
Pavel is stunned, speechless, while I’m suddenly shy to meet his gaze. Sahlee, he says slowly, as if tasting the name. A thrill runs through me at the sound, unheard for so many years. It’s a beautiful name, he says, exotic, like the woman it belongs to. I think I must be blushing, I can feel my cheeks grow hotter. His expression grows wonderous. A gentle smile on his lips as he caresses the side of my face.
”I love you, Sahlee.”
Now I know I’m blushing, a burning heat spreading through my entire body. Am I crying too? I don’t know, everything grows blurred at this point. I feel like I’m ten years old again, I’m that pathetic little girl starved for affection, suddenly offered the words she was dying to hear. They were never spoken then, never, until now. I wonder if he knew the full importance of the gift he gave with those few syllables? I could die happy now, but it isn’t over yet. Balance, trust - I’m not the only one of us to take this into consideration. He murmurs softly in my ear, he offers a trade, freely. His own name, before he assumed that of his dead friend.
Kosef, he whispers. His turn to blush as I try his name out, rolling it on my tongue. It doesn’t quite fit him, not the man he is now, so I imagine the young him again, the boy who is not yet a slave. My friends called me Cozy, he adds, almost shyly, blushing again, darkly. I think he must have been a sweet boy, to have had such a nickname. He wouldn’t have pulled my braids after all. We could have roamed the streets, chasing tressyms and stealing apples and sweets. I picture us like that, so vividly it makes me smile. I love you Kosef, the girl says to the boy. I love you, Cozy. Two children, hand in hand in a sunlit past that never happened.
I’m not Sahlee anymore, not truly, nor is he Kosef, though those younger selves remain forever a part of us. The names feel like keys somehow, opening doors into the past, into the most vunerable parts of ourselves. Tokens of trust exchanged, more significant than any ring or vow could ever be.
I love you, Pavel.
”I love you, Sabre.”
A kiss, then we live happily ever after? Have we come to "The End", embossed in large, gilded letters at the last page of the book? Perhaps we have, in a fairytale sense, though I think our true story has only just begun.
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The past. I've spent most of my life fleeing it, constantly on the move. Reinventing myself from the now, leaving the messes I tend to make behind me, like debris in my wake. Only now that I am slowing down am I beginning to realize how futile it's all been. Certain things can't be left behind. No matter how fast or how far away you run, the past has a nasty habit of catching up with you in the end. Perhaps even the sense of escape is mere illusion - every single piece of debris from past wreckages a memory that is carried with us, sooner or later floating back up to the surface of our minds.
You can't run from who you are.
I used to think I could, used to think I'd found such a clever way around the problem. If you can't run from who you are, well then, don't be that person anymore. Be someone else, someone new and untarnished by past mistakes. Simple solution.. if only it would ever work properly. I once compared my method to that of a sea snake shedding its skin, leaving the worn and tattered shreds of the past behind and emerging in a shiny new guise. The problem is just that the skin may be new, the colours brighter but it's still the same old pattern, the same old me making the same old mistakes.
I'm getting tired of it, of making a mess, then cutting all ties and starting over, again and again and again, always moving yet getting nowhere. I want to change, want to become more, someone better, more complete. I'm trying to find the courage to look back, to start salvaging pieces of my past and make sense of it all. If I understand myself better, isn't it possible that I'll be able to avoid repeating all my stupid mistakes? I hope so, feel like I'm finally walking a truly new path with Pavel. I can't afford to mess it up this time, I just can't.
–---
The past. Acknowledged or not, it's always there, haunting both present and future with its ghostly presence. Snagging, tripping, laying obstacles on one's path. I'm trying to face it, to banish my ghosts little by little, but what can you do against a ghost that is centuries in the making, yours by blood and not of your own making?
The ravens are back.
It's been so long since they last appeared, so long that I had all but told myself it was just a dream or a case of mistaken identity. I waited, hoped against hope that they wouldn't be back, but they are. They're back, the ancient blood feud stirring with every beat of their dark, mangy wings.
Follow, said the raven when it came for me in the foothills, it's hungry eyes gleaming like burnished copper in the soft light of the afternoon. I did, without question or protest. As if in a trance I walked an unknown path up through the hills after the bird.
I reached a hillside and the raven spoke again: Wait here until dark - there is someone wishing to talk to you. The wind grew colder and the light faded slowly, the distant call of ravens the only sound as they circled high above. I waited, shivering, dread building up inside. There were bones sticking out of the ground, old and weathered bones. I poked around with my foot.. a rusted axe with dwarven style runes on the handle, bits and pieces of molded tartan rags and a skull. A human skull and more bones, broken and shattered as if they'd been hit by a huge battleaxe.
Dusk, the last of the light dying. The dust around the bones started to twirl and whirl, growing into the ghostlike image of a man. It spoke with a low, whispery voice like the wind, looking sometimes at me, sometimes through me. Who are you, and why do you come here? the ghost enquired, cold radiating from his very presence. The ravens sent me, I replied shakily. Feud ravens.. they seem to think I am of the Bogarth line; the Ott-Kharno have been attacking me. I trailed off as he stared through me again, but at the mention of the last clan my incorporeal companion drifted closer, eyes focusing and the chill growing worse. Closer and closer, then he.. sniffed me, if spirits can do such a thing.
We are Bogarth, my ghostly ancestor confirmed, seeming satisfied. You come to seek vengeance?
I just want to survive, I replied, truthfully.
To survive, the Ott-Kharno must die, he hissed in cold anger. You are the chosen one, you will seek them out and kill them all, the ghost insisted. In every generation there is a chosen, tasked to destroy the other side. Find them here, it said, find them, kill them and you will be richly rewarded. Fail or refuse to do your duty, and Bogarth's spirit will claim you, dire punishment find you. Avenge your clan, avenge your mother.. and the prize you wish for most will be granted.
It's all too much to wrap my head around now. I know I shouldn't write it down, given the enemies I'm likely to make, but I need to, need to have it recorded, fastened onto paper to make it real. A strange dreamlike state surrounds the memory of those hours, as if I was somehow cut off from the world, caught in a bubble, a different time and space altogether. I would question my sanity even now, but for one thing: a small gold brooch pinned to my cloak by the ghost before he settled back into dust. The brooch is real, solid.. I'm clutching it even now, to remind myself that it really happened.
Every instinct in me is telling me to flee, hide, deny everything and just seek comfort in Pavel's warm arms. He found me at the commons, he held me, kept holding me close until my shaking subsided, until colour returned to my face and that frozen feeling slowly melted away. Listened, stroked my hair, kissed me until I felt alive again. I love him, love him so.
I can't run. Not from who I am, from the very blood in my veins. I can't run, but I can and I must act. I'm not a vengeful person normally, but I will do everything I need to do in order to survive. Especially now, when I finally have something worth protecting in my life. An open confrontation will be the death of me though. I have to be smart, need to study and plan carefully and I most definitely need help. Pavel, Drelan, the Sails.. with them all behind me, there might even be a chance at success.
I'll fight for what's mine.
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I'm no hero. Not brave, strong or noble - I'll flee, I'll save my own hide, I'll hide and cower when the monsters come. I'm riddled with fears, like a dog with fleas, like wood worms eating away at the planks of a ship. Terror monsters great and small, gnawing and clawing at me. Some I can run from, some can be fended off whilst others are more insidious, burrowed deeply into my fibre. Lurking under my bed, unseen but always there.
I'm so afraid of being hurt. I'm so afraid of being alone. Scared of being unloved and unnoticed, just as I am afraid of love itself, with all its pitfalls and quagmires, all the ways in which to hurt and be hurt. Afraid of being vunerable, abandoned, betrayed, of being made a fool of again, but just as scared of the alternative, of turning callous and unfeeling, joyless. Afraid of being trapped in that grey, bleak fog, that numb and cold part of my mind.
Those are some of my most persistant fears, the ones I've been fleeing, been fighting and hiding from for years. The ones I've now found the strenght to face, somehow. I think it's Pavel. He makes me braver; strong enough to do things I don't really dare to do. Not fearless, no, I'm still terrified, but his hand holding mine gives me courage in a way I can't explain. Shelters me from the sharpest sting of the monsters claws.
He's helping Candy train me to face another fear, a panic of disproportionate dimensions they tell me. A very reasonable terror if you ask me, but nontheless one that I would rather be able to keep in better check. Spiders… Candy has been tutoring me on the subject of those eightlegged, creepy-crawly, disgusting freakish monsters, usually with Pavel present. It's slow going, constantly sabotaged by my fellow crewmembers. I think they -want- me to keep my fear, the bastards… it makes me an easier target for jibes. Hawk in particular is really pushing his luck, I swear Pavel will deck him the next time he pulls a spider stunt on me.
Candy is remarkably patient with me. I could really resent her for having such enviable composure if it wasn't for the dry sense of humour that shines through at times. I think she really wants to see me succeed too, keeping her classes short enough to be bearable, never taunting me or pushing too hard. I was making some progress, I was.. up until a very unscheduled crash-course in Oscura just now.
We were about to set out on some money-making scheme or other, me, Pavel, Hawk and Devlin when the penmanship grows a little shaky suddenly, a rum-smelling blot staining the paper spiders started to drop from the cave ceiling… big spiders with muscular, hairy legs and.. they just kept coming, more and more, crawling down from buildings or simply landing right in front of us, or behind us, everywhere! I yelled to run, we fought our way to the bridge where more spiders climbed up from the depths and... I just ran, blindly, just wanting to get away, out, flee. We stumbled out of the cave, I took a gasping breath and then it hit me: Pavel was still inside.. he'd held the monsters off for us to escape. I waited one heartbeat, two, three.. then I ran back inside.
Chaos - I was instantly hip-deep in crawling, writhing spider limbs, poison-dripping fangs biting and tearing at my armour, easily sinking through the leather. I couldn't breathe, frantically climbing over the mass of bodies blocking the entrance to the cave, evidence of Pavel's efficient handiwork. Where is he!!? Out, have to get out, have to.. where is Pavel? A swirl of his cloak in the cave opening, there.. follow..
I stumbled out, legs folding under me as my feet hit the sand. Saw Pavel lying limply on the ground, breathing, thank the gods he was breathing! He was pale from poison, weak as a kitten, but alive.. alive. We were all alive, somehow, though not in the best of states. Slowly, painfully slowly we trudged towards Peltarch, Devlin and myself hauling Pavel between us. Resting halfway, then Pavel could walk on his own, though still leaning on me.
Why did you come back for me, I was buying you time to get away, he said in a low voice. I'm not worth dying for, Sabre, he added. That's not your choice to make, I replied. He nodded, leaned harder on me as we stumbled our way north, remaining quiet. We reached the city walls after an eternity and a half, stopping to catch our breaths while Devlin stomped ahead with Hawk. I was just about to start moving again when he said it, in a soft whisper:
I love you too.
I have this stupid grin on my face, just writing this. I think it may have been worth wading through spiders just to hear him say those words. He loves me. I love him. We love each other. It's unreasonable to be this lucky, for people like us to find this kind of love, yet I have no doubts anymore that it's true.
I ran headfirst into a sea of spiders for him. He held them off, prepared to die for me. If that isn't true love, I don't know what is.
Am I cured of my fear of spiders then, having faced it head on? Am I to consider myself brave for such an act also? Hells no, on both accounts. I think I'm twice as scared of the bloody things now, any sane person would be after that! As for brave, I think it would be more accurate to say impulsive and foolish. I don't remember thinking about what I did, I just.. I think maybe I found a greater fear to drive me. The fear of losing him wrestled the fear of spiders to the ground, one monster stomping all over the other. Of course, once faced with the spiders.. well. I didn't really save him, didn't help in any way apart from getting myself equally weakened by poison. Hardly an act worthy of any epic songs, but it was worth it, to hear him speak those three words.
I'm still afraid, but I'm not alone. I am loved, I love in return. I think maybe I can tackle my monsters now.
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I keep waking up with this wide smile on my face. Try as I might to retain some sort of composure, I just can't shake that smile during the day, nor can I seem to make my feet quite touch the ground. I feel like I drifting or floating along on some unseen current. I catch myself humming little songs, being nice to all manner of people for no discernible reason and finding beauty in the oddest things. I'm so damn happy, it's freaking me out.
I don't deserve all this. I don't know what I did to bring such happiness about, or even if it was anything to do with me and my own actions. Maybe it's just random chance, something that happens, completely out of our hands. I didn't deserve most of the rotten deals life has handed me in the past, so why should this be different really? Perhaps happiness is just as random, only rarer, much rarer. A lucky roll of the dice, a once in a million chance. I feel like it's about to be snatched away at any time, a package delivered to the wrong address.
It scares me. I don't know how to handle it or how to hang onto it, don't know how to navigate these strange new waters. I don't know where the reefs are, but I'm sure they're there. There are always reefs, always plenty of ways to smash even the brightest of opportunity. I'm bound to find a way to squander it eventually, but not even that thought is enough to bring me down. I'm drifting, rudderless, out of control the moment he walks into view. Smiling like an idiot whenever he's near. I have no control over it, none at all.
Control. Is that the reason why I slept with Vagabond, of all people, so soon after exchanging I love you's with Pavel? I can't help but wonder at myself, wonder why I keep doing these things, wonder why I can never seem to be content with just one man. I never said I'd be faithful, we both agreed nothing's changed in that respect - I'm free to do as I please, as is he. I can't quite shake this vague feeling of guilt though, even if it may well be unreasonable. Pavel is not the jealous type, nor has he ever asked me to change my ways. I do worry that I'm already trying to sabotage things somehow.
Why did I do it, really? It wasn't lust, wasn't passion that drove me. Vagabond is, in his own words, scrawny. Hardly my usual type of bedmate. A small, shy and decidedly odd man, yet strangely endearing in his innocence and in his hopeful, puppyish persuit of me. He's sweet enough in his own way though - always healing my cuts, making me smile with his antics, calling down storms to impress me. Sweet, but not the sort of man to make my knees weak, for sure. But maybe that's just it? My knees hardly need weakening, they turn to bloody jelly at one look from Pavel. Maybe what I needed was just the opposite, to feel completely in charge for a change? I was, with Vagabond.
Part of me feels guilty, like I might have stolen his innocence, corrupted the very part of him I like best, but another part feels like I gave him a gift, something precious. His first time. It should be special, should be filled with lust, wonder and exploration. I think I gave him just that, and through him caught a glimpse of what it could have been like for me, if not for others forcing their will on me. His gift to me, though he didn't give it knowingly. Is that the real reason why, perhaps? Or is it just that my current happiness is too much to contain, it spills over the brim, makes puddles at my feet and I just have to share it? I don't know, I just don't.
I warned Vagabond not to get attached or expect this to happen again, and he agreed easily enough. Like a wild animal, he said. Shouldn't be caged. The right thing to say, but then he held me afterwards, clearly wishing to remain close. I really shouldn't encourage that sort of behaviour, but I let him stay for a little while, before disentangling myself. Some sort of affection is there, but it's my call and my terms with Vagabond. Me in control for a short while, a time to breathe before my heart calls me back to giddy, rudderless drifting on that uncharted sea of love.
-
Love.
It's just a word. Such a short little word too, a simple, random combination of sound. Four single letters; nothing more than wriggly lines, shapes arranged together on the page, in specific order. Each meaning nothing in itself. It should be easy to say, just a matter of shaping one's mouth and tongue correctly, pushing out air, vocalizing. A harmless noise, changing nothing.
Changing everything.
We talked about it, about the meaning, the power of words. Theoretically at first, though he caught on quickly. Too quickly, perhaps. Such a small word. Such a huge word. An insurmountable hurdle, a high wall, a deep gulf. A steep cliff overlooking the ocean, those jagged rocks threatening under the crash of the waves far, far below. We stood at the edge, suddenly.
It's just a word, I said, tentatively. Just an acknowledgement of what's already there, has been there between us for a long time. Something more than friendship, more than lust - something bigger than its parts. He nodded and my stomach lurched, twisted into a knot. Just a word, it doesn't really mean anything, I blurted out.
It does mean something. Words matter, else there'd be no need to utter them. No need for us to stumble and stutter over them, to agonize and ponder them in our heads. It is a big word, heavy with expectations, laden with meaning.
We stood there, at the cliff's edge, looking down. A big word. A long way to fall.
Perhaps we need a new word, he suggested. Another word, a smaller word, our word. Something without the parts that none of us believe in, the happy ever after, the forever true, the marriage, children, the yours 'til death do us part. A word without the bullshit.
I recall the stupid romance books I read as a child. Flowery, overly dramatic renditions of courtly love, of finely dressed ladies swooning, of knights in shining armour coming to their rescue. Stories of moonlit serenades, of kisses in the sunset, stories of love conquering all odds. I think I saw just how fictional they were even then, how false and far from reality, yet part of me must have been intrigued. I read each and every book I could find, devoured them hungrily. Such utter trash they were. Bullshit.
Maeve, he said. Sounds almost like love, no? I must have looked as non-plussed as I felt, because he grinned wryly, explaining. Maeve.. his first woman. He was expected to mate with her, produce new slaves for their owners. No love there, they were total strangers, tossed together for the sole purpose of breeding. Like animals. There was no affection there, not even lust. Just awkward nervousness, fear of failure, of punishment.
That's not a very good word, I thought to myself, silently. Such a cold, bleak story.. how could he possibly go from that to some romantic notion of love, or even to my kind of love? He couldn't, could he? Something must have shown on my face. He came closer, moved to my side of the table, a long silence ensuing.
What if we say it together? His suggestion again, stunning me. Vertigo. I couldn't refuse as he pushed on, dragging me towards the cliff's edge. On three.. one.. two.. three:
I love you.
I love you, I echoed, testing the words, experimentally.
Pause.
Hovering at the edge of the fall, suspended. I took a deep breath, the sound sharp in my ears. Then I made it real, repeated:
I love you, Pavel.
Pause.
Long pause.
Oh gods.. oh no, no no no.
He sat still on the bench next to me, so very still. So quiet.
I stared at the table, panic flooding me. Stillness on the outside, but inside I knew I was falling, crashing down to be smashed against the rocks. A mistake, such a mistake, no no no.. too soon, too fragile to be said out loud.. I wrecked it, I broke the bubble, I shouldn't have said it, I shouldn't have, but there's no turning back now that the words are out. I want to die, let me just die.. don't drag it out, please.. no no no…
Ages passed. Eons, eternity.. seconds or a lifetime, I don't know which. He stirred. Felt him turn to me, glancing. I dared not look, dared not breathe.
I.. I maeve you, he said finally, voice struggling. A hand reaching for mine, pulling me back, breaking my fall.
I love you as much as someone like me can love - that's what I read in his words, in his tone, in his face when I looked at him at last. Felt a smile break out unbidden, jubilation coursing through my body. A helpless smile, a feeling of soaring, floating above the ground as if weightless. He smiled back, suddenly, brightly, his eyes gleaming like silver.
I love you.
The bravest words I've uttered in years. I said them, out loud. I said it, I meant it and he didn't reject me, didn't push me away. Even admitted something similar in return. Even if that something should not be love, it's damn close, it's enough, it's more than enough. More than I have any right to ask for.
Love.
It's just a word. It changes nothing, and it changes everything.
I can't stop smiling.
-
I can't believe I said that.
I'm such an idiot, I can't believe I said something so damn stupid.. so incredibly lame, so unbearably cliché. The fact that it's true doesn't really help my case. Or does it?
I uttered the words after we'd finished the telling of our respective misadventures during my trip. The loose ends I left behind are still unresolved, he struggled without me, he said. Needs me for dealing with people. I didn't exactly do too well either, I admitted. Wanted to say more, wanted to tell him just how much I had ached, had missed his prescence, his strong arms around me. Protecting me, warming me, rousing my passions. I wanted to tell him everything, to lay all my feelings bare right then and there, but fear froze my tongue.
I almost didn't come back, I mumbled instead, hiding my face against his chest. I'm… so very glad you did, he whispered back, something like tenderness in his voice. A thud in my gut, a lurching sensation inside. Did his heart skip a beat also, did he tremble slightly, or was it just me? I paused, looked up. Then I said it:
For better or worse, I think we need each other.
For better or worse, gods... if it wasn't my own statement, I'd laugh and mock such words. I half expected him to smirk, to shake the comment off as jest, but he didn't. Wrapped me in his arms instead, a soft smile on his face, a light in his eyes. A quiet agreement in his embrace, acceptance.
It's the first time I've admitted a need for him - the first time I've done that to anyone in a very long time. It's scary, so damn scary, this slow and deliberate disarming of my own defences. Laying down arms and armour, waving the white flag, surrendering to an unknown fate. I'm leaving myself vunerable. It's the only way forwards - I did decide that the chance at better is worth risking the worse for - but it still terrifies me.
He must have seen it in my eyes.
We lay close together after another intense coupling, naked limbs intertwined. Nothing but skin separating us in the intimacy of the moment. His hand cupped my cheek, a calloused thumb stroking my skin gently. A strange sort of shimmer in those clear grey eyes, searching for mine. I met his gaze and knew with terrifying certainty that I love him.
I tried to speak and failed, sudden fear coursing through my veins like poison. He must have seen, must have guessed, must know just how hard this is for me, because he told me... he told me something I think he'd rather not admit was real even to himself. It seemed so painful, shameful to admit - he blushed darkly, could hardly meet my eyes. He deliberately evened the playing field for me, baring such a secret, such a hurt. Making himself vunerable too, voluntarily. For me.
I love him.
I can write it now, can admit it to myself privately at least. Maybe it's time I told him too? For better or worse.
-
Peltarch. The thud when my feet hit the cobbled ground was soft, yet thundered omniously in my ears. I've been a bundle of nerves since the Lady set its course back to the city, carrying me back to all that which I thought to leave behind. Anticipation and dread have been building up inside me every day, so that my skin feels tight with it, as if I'm about to bust a seam.
I skulked around the docks in my deckhand clothes, circled the warehouse one, two, three times before slipping inside. Relief and disappointment mingled at finding no one there. I nabbed some of my own gear there and headed to the bath house. Soaking in the warm water washed some of my tension off, as well as the salt and grime of a month at sea. Faced my own reflection in the full-lenght mirror in the changing room, stared at it for the longest time.
Who am I, really? Who is this starved-looking stranger with the huge, frightened eyes, this red, hungry mouth? She reminds me of an animal in a cage, pacing restlessly, snarling, yearning for freedom but too scared to place a paw outside her open prison door.
I dress carefully, my clothes hanging more loosely than I recall. Must have lost weight. Black and gold silk, the fabric soft and smooth, snagging on my work-worn hands. Slicking back my hair, like a cat grooming itself, a feeble attempt at finding my composure. I feel giddy, unreal, fuzzy at the edges. Feverish.
Back to the warehouse, there are some workers there by now, greeting me with the usual raw, but jovial banter. I grin, trade good-natured insults back, but my face feels stiff and my voice sounds strange and far away. "Tha crew're all down Jiyyd way, Sabre lass." Argh, I best head there then.
I only made it as far as the commons, sitting there now and writing this while the butterflies whirl around and around in my gut. Get a grip now, snap the hell out of this. I'm -Sabre Seesaw-, not some blushing, blubbering, bloody maiden, awaiting her first kiss. Gods.. just go now, up and off, before I'm forced to stab myself…
A dark, quiet room, a single candle to write by. So relaxed now, languid and lazy, sated with our repeated lovemaking. He sprawls in the bed behind me, soft and deep breaths inviting me to join him in sleep. I will soon, just need to fasten my thoughts to paper before they evaporate.
I travelled to Jiyyd alone, slinking past the hobgoblins unnoticed in the fading light. Paused just outside the gates, took a deep breath before opening them wide and sauntering inside, as if I'd not been gone at all. A few crewmembers milling around the fire, welcoming me.. and Pavel at the back, leaning against the Inn wall, calmly studying people in his usual manner.
My stomach lurched painfully. I couldn't face him just then, couldn't look straight at that long awaited, longed for sight. Sat down abruptly, my back turned, chit-chatting idly about who knows what... felt his prescence behind me like a bonfire, like white-hot flame licking at my back. He didn't speak or approach, merely waited. Greeted me with a soft smile as I finally walked up to him, standing beside him against the wall, trying for an attitude as relaxed as his. Didn't touch, hardly even looked at him, though my body was acutely aware of his. He whispered a welcome, I swallowed. Paused, then just blurted out the first thing on my mind: I want nothing more than to kiss you right now, but I dare not, I don't think I'd be able to stop once I start.
I felt more than saw him stiffen, chanced a glance and saw desire every bit as raw as my own, mirrored in his eyes. Probably a good idea not to, he breathed back, hoarsely. Not so relaxed after all, he was just as needy, just as hungry as I. A strange equality in that, soothing somehow. We shared a smile, the tension rising further. R-room, he stuttered quietly, reaching for my hand.
Enter captains Deacon and Drelan, a private business talk dragging me away. Hopefully I didn't look quite as dopey as I felt, because they actually told me, after some teasing and roundabout conversation, that I'd gotten that promotion in spite of my recent abscence. Lieutenant Sabre Seesaw.. such a nice ring to that, it almost shook me from my daze. I feel a strange sense of pride at the title, an urge to show myself worthy of it.
After that there was work, a trip to Oscura, coins to be made and business as usual. Pavel close by. By the end of the trip we were hardly even talking, all efforts focused on not touching, while dying to touch, nearly bursting with need. Hawk looked at us as if we'd lost our minds, until I finally managed to make him take a point and leave us alone. We rented a room, walked quietly up the stairs. The door slammed shut, and there was only us in all the world.
No words of love tonight, there was no need and no time to utter them. He stirs behind me, beckons me back to the bed, to his arms. No more words, just him and me now. Just us.
-
It was just a dream, it wasn't real.. my hand is shaking so much it's hard to write, but it -was- just a dream…
Ravens. Tearing at my intestines, pecking out my eyes with sharp, cruel beaks, black bodies crowding around my still form. I'm bound to stakes in the ground, legs and arms spread wide. Darkness. The air is dry and cold, sand under my back, soaking up the blood. A metallic taste in my mouth, fear so sharp I can taste it, then the pain. Stabbing, white and red pin-pricks of pain in my side, my left eye. Cawing. The flutter of wings, my own panicked gasp as I wake.
Ow.. sat up too sharply, my ribs hurt, my eye throbs. I feel for blood before it comes back to me. The beating, the priest's half-arsed healing.. Just a dream, no ravens for me yet.
Woke again, the sound of my own whimpering disturbing enough to break the dream.
Caught again, pinned, trapped into a corner. Leering faces, hard hands tearing at my clothes. No way out, musn't cry, musn't pleade, mustn't give them anything but what they force from me. Hurts, hurts! Make it stop, make it stop, can't make it stop. A whimper through clenched teeth, tears spilling over. Cruel, wet laughter, renewed pain before I struggle out of the dream's claws.
Releasing my grip on the dagger takes time. Just a dream...though one I've not had in years. I thought myself past it, thought I'd taken control back and stopped being that whimpering, helpless little girl. Apparantly she lives in me still, she was always good at hiding.
Is that what I'm doing now, hiding? Is that the cause of these dreams? Am I running, dodging potantial pain when I need to stare it dead in the eye?
I faced my old tormentors, made them hurt, made them pay. Vengeance was easier than love though. Love almost destroyed me, pain so stark I couldn't contain it, I lashed out instead. He shouldn't have made me pleade and beg, shouldn't have laughed that laugh, somewhere between patronizing and pity. I made him stop, made him choke on it. Part of me is grimly pleased, thinks he deserved it, but part of me... part of me still wants those green eyes smiling on me.
Pavel won't laugh, I know that much at least. But I am so afraid. Scared I'll find out it was all false again, have everything crumble again, hurt and be hurt once more. But what if.. just if... what if it isn't false? I already hurt just from missing him, a dull, steady ache, an emptiness inside me.
I can't go on like this, can't stay the victim of my own fears. Do or die, I have to know. I have to tell him.
Eyes closed, my bare feet standing on the worn planks of the Harbinger. Sunlight on my naked body, its golden heat seeping through me. A warm, soft breeze stirs my hair, caresses my skin, carries the scent of the open ocean to my senses. The ship rocks gently, a gull cries far above. All is stillness and peace.
I open my eyes slowly. The sky is impossibly blue, the waters clear and glittering azure, pearl reefs visible below. A treasure there for the taking. I smile, stepping up to the railing, the soft padding of my feet against the deck the only sound... used to be the only sound in this dream, in my old, happy dream... another pair of feet beside me now? I dare not look as I reach out my hand.
A strong rough hand meets mine, a familiar, welcome touch. I turn my head, look up at Pavel. The sunlight glitters in his eyes, turning them to silver, to diamonds. A soft smile greets mine. We step up onto the railing together, our hands linked. Then we jump.
It was just a dream, it wasn't real, but the feeling stays with me throughout the day. Warms me from inside. I'm going back.
-
Grey days and dreamless nights pass, one after the other. I work until I'm tired, I eat when meals are served. I don't think, don't feel, the greyness surrounding me like a soft fog, muffling all sensations and feelings. Blessed fog, whispering that nothing matters. I feel myself fading, and I welcome it.
–-
Hells! So much for blessed nothing... I'm just too damned angry to stay in that place, far, far too angry. White hot anger, and with it a realization - I've changed.
Keep a low profile, stay silent, that's what I planned for this trip.. strange how I can still have such illusions about myself. Of course I couldn't stay out of trouble, of course not. In my own defence, if I had stayed silent we'd be stuck on a bloody reef by now. Stupid me, thinking that rousing the captain out of his stupor for that sort of emergency was the right course of action. It wasn't my place to "disturb" the captain, Keff informed me, driving home his point with a meaty fist to my face. If you hadn't been so busy with the cabin girl, if you had done your -job-, I wouldn't have had to intervene, I pointed out angrily... stupid, stupid me. He beat me again, kicked me in the ribs while I was down, the farking pig.
So I had to see the healer... Effron, that farking toad-stool Valkuran, the slimy boy-buggering creep! He was -entirely- too happy to lay his hands all over me.. positively dripping with wet sympathy and false concern. You poor boy, he breathed in my ear. You should rest more.. comfortably, with those sore ribs... perhaps I could accomodate you in my own quarters, Sam..?
I recoiled from his touch, but my eye was swelling up so badly I could hardly see. That at least needed mending. I forced myself to sit still, conjuring up vivid images of what Corana, Mercy and Taria respectively would have done to this bottom-crawling sea-slug of a so-called man. I found myself smiling suddenly, his turn to recoil from the look on my face. I'd be glad to use your quarters Effron, so kind of you to offer, I said with that sickly smile still in place. I trust you'll find -my- bunk sufficient for your own sleeping arrengements then? I'd not want people to think the wrong thing about you, after all...rumours fly so easily. He swallowed noisily and nodded, I left with a small sense of triumph.
I passed Keff on my way back, that same eerie, cold calmness staying with me. The thought of the sort of pain Pavel might inflict on this knuckle-head caused another smile. Keff scowled uneasily, a hand going to his whip as if I'd threatened him. I simply bobbed my head and passed him by, my lack of cowering clearly confusing to his thug-like mind. I can't openly rebel, but I can certainly refuse to be cowed. He could also meet with an unfortunate accident, if he ever lays hands on me again...
Anger fading now, but the revelation remains.
I really have changed. I can't seem to make myself tolerate being treated like a deck-hand again, won't take the sort of abuse I've been dealt lately. I know I'm better than that, I'm worth better too. I'm both capable and clever, far more so than the so called command on this bloody tub.
I miss being Sabre more than I had thought. With the Sails I had a place, had earned a position, had friends and security of a kind even. I can't help but wonder about that promotion - would it have been me? Can it still be? I miss my life, I'm tired of rebuilding myself, tired of going back to relying on myself alone. Sleeping with a knife under my pillow again - haven't done that since I moved from my bunk to Pavel's, after the various sabotages done to the former. He kept me safe. Why shouldn't I reclaim that life, when it has so much of what I want for myself?
I know why, I know perfectly well, but maybe it's time to face that fear? Maybe I've changed in that respect too.. how will I know unless I try? Funny, I can stare Keff in the eyes and smile, though he could probably break every bone in my body, but I can't face my own feelings for Pavel. For his own sake as well as mine, I told myself.. but perhaps he deserves a say in the matter too? If I tell him everything honestly, if he still wants me after that.. then perhaps it doesn't have to end in disaster.
Does it? And what if he -doesn't- want me, or tires before I do..?
I'm not sure of anything any more, I just know I can't go on like this. I can't be Sam any more, the role chafes, is too small for me. Now bloody what - can I just... keep being Sabre? Am I brave enough, or foolish enough for that?
I don't know, I can't think, I hurt all over.
-
A foggy night, a light drizzle in the air, raw moisture and cold stealing the warmth from my very bones. I've never set foot on a ship with less enthusiasm. I felt like a condemned woman, walking silently to my execution as I stepped off the docks and onto the grimy deck of the vessel. A symbolically fitting sentiment perhaps, given that I'm leaving a part of my life behind. After having seen the state of this barge up close, and the crew manning her, it might be more than just symbolically fitting.
Lady of the Lake. A fanciful name for such a rotten old tub, a more apt one would be something like Crabby Ol' Crone, or Gutterslut Granny… A clumpsy, creaking, leaking and squeaking excuse for a ship, manned by a surly and dull looking rabble of louts. The captain is a drunkard named Hamrey, the first mate a pig-eyed, ham-fisted fellow called Keff. The latter seems to enforce what little discipline there is with the use of a cruel-looking whip hanging at his hip. Even more worrying is the fact that the only priest onboard is a bloody Valkuran, a grease-faced weasel of a man in his middle years who eyed me with a bit too much interest for my peace of mind.
I'm Sam the deckhand again. Menial tasks, hard work that occupy my body if not my thoughts. No responsibilities for Sam, nothing more challenging than bobbing my head to the orders barked at me and scurrying to the tasks without idling. I've decided to try and draw as little attention to myself as possible, I'll stay silent, watch and appraise. The Pavel approach... damn, no thinking of him now. My body aches with weariness, I should try to sleep now, though the cold seeps through my cheap blanket and no position seems comfortable in this dingy, smelly bunk.
So cold.
Pavel is never cold... He smells good too, like a man should, not like this lot who all stink of old ale and rancid sweat. I wonder who will get to share his bed now - Taria, Caling, even that air-head Velvet perhaps? Lucky them. He should have little problems replacing me, though I can't help but selfishly wish he'll miss me as much as I already miss him. I wonder if he's found the coins I left him yet, wonder if he suspects I lied, wonder.. no, no, I should try to sleep, should leave all my wondering behind. New life, new horizons and all that eh?
I'm just so cold.
-
I think he knew before I told him. The night before departure we met at the Ferret, shared a few drinks before inevitably ending up in one of the back rooms. Making love was never sweeter, never more tender and intimate, as if our bodies tried to speak the words we couldn't say out loud. As if we both knew it was the last time.
I lied to him. I swore I never would, but I couldn't tell him the truth, I couldn't. Couldn't bear the thought of him asking why, not when my resolve was so thin, so threadbare that the smallest attempt at persuasion would have made it crumble. So I lied, told him I had to leave, that I'd heard rumours of my ship being sighted. A hunt for the Harbinger, I said, telling him truthfully just what my ship means to me. The best lies are always those closest to the truth. I'll return, I added falsely.
Perhaps he knows, perhaps he understands, even shares my fears? He didn't question me, just held me tight. Stroked me with his hands, as if trying to memorize the shape and feel of me. My throat constricted, no more words possible. My lips may have spoken lies, but there were none in my kiss, nor in our final embrace. He didn't try to stop me as I gently untangled our limbs, leaving him and the warmth of the bed behind.
I lied to Deacon, lied to Drelan, fed them the same story about my trip. I had thought that would be the easier part of this, leaving them and the Sails behind, but fate dealt me an unexpected blow. It's down to you, Gurt and Devlin in the race for Lieutenant, they told me, and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to stay. Cruel irony, to be offered the chance at promotion, have it dangled in front of my eyes just when I'm about to leave. Startling to realize just how much I had hungered for it, and how ready I felt. Too late now, too late… unless..
Unless I do exactly what I said I would, go on my trip and return... I could return, couldn't I? What if all I need is some distance to get my bearings back, some time to talk sense into my errant heart? If I do return, I won't have lied, not to Pavel, nor to Deacon and Drelan.
No... no..
I can't let myself be that stupid, knowing how weak-willed I am. I haven't the strenght to do this twice, if my feelings should remain the same. No, no looking back. I have to do this, for me... for him.
Packing didn't take long. My wardrobe is all black and gold silks and velvets, stylishly and cunningly cut at Vanity Plates to flatter whatever feminine curves I possess. I can't bring any of them, they're Sabre's, they belong to the life I'm leaving here. Soft, sensuous clothing.. the best quality I've ever owned. I've grown soft here on land - soft clothes, soft skin, soft heart. Dangerous. The sea will harden me again, toughen up the callouses on both my hands and my soul. My old deck-hand's clothes will do, I'll revert back to that role once more, hide behind the guise of a boy. Safer that way.
I'll bring my swords, might need them again, if the blood feud finds me, I don't intend to go down without a fight. The bow stays, is too distictive. A lover's gift, part of Sabre's story. Scrolls, jewellery, armour, along with most of my gold I'm leaving behind. My farewell gift to the Sails, one might say. A hefty share to Pavel, hidden in a leather pouch at the bottom of his pack. I tied a golden ribbon around the pouch, he'll know it's from me.
Time to try out my travelling attire. Simple, padded boots, a warm new cloak. Practical, sturdy clothing. Linen straps tie my breasts down. Feels crushing, constricting, but I'll soon get used to it again. A worn cap finishes the ensemble, shadowing my face from anyone that might recognize me. I'd rather not leave a trail to be followed. Correcting my stance, adjusting my features...ah...there you are again, Sam.
I've picked a ship, a simple merchant's barge setting out on a trip around the Ice Lake, due to return in about a month. Of course I plan on having jumped ships by then. Going where, I just don't know. Just away, for now. I haven't the heart for planning anything beyond that. I should be excited to sail again, instead I feel empty, defeated. Cowardly, like I'm running away, though I'm actually trying to do the right thing for once.
Aren't I?
Too late for second thoughts, my ship is leaving soon. One last look in the mirror, adjusting my cap, tugging my collar higher. Hello Sam, goodbye Sabre.
-
Early morning, the grey of dawn slowly seeping in through the shutters on the window. I can't sleep.
A creeping, jittery sort of anxiety keeps me awake, robs me of rest and appetite, eats away at my sanity. A sense of dread is building in me, a tension like a spring pressed back, aching for release. Dizzying vertigo, like I'm standing on the precipice of some unknown cliff, the waves crashing against jagged rocks far, far below.
I need space.
Space to breathe, to think, to clear my head. Need time alone to sort out this tangled mess of emotions that's become my normal state of mind. But my days are spent by Pavel's side, my nights in his bunk, cradled in his arms. I'm drunk with the scent of him, addicted to his presence, my mind hopelessly muddled.
I held his hand.
Right in the middle of the marketplace and with several of the crew near, my treacherous hand snuck into his, as if by its own accord. My hand, so small in his, so vunerable. A clenching of his fist, and it would be crushed. Yet I felt safe, sheltered. He smiled softly as his fingers stroked my hand, warmth spreading up my arm, like a wave rising, crashing through me. A terrible tenderness, something washed clean, bared by the passing of that wave. Strange looks from the crew; I dread to think what they saw on my face. I pulled my hand back. It came free easily, was never trapped, just held gently.
Is this love?
Part of me longs to call it so, to say it aloud, to lay it all out in the open. To jump off that cliff, to hells with the rocks below. Fall free, rush towards doom or maybe even fly, soar above the waters like a seagull. Would he jump off with me? Would he hold my heart as gently as my hand, if I offered it to him - would he shelter and keep it from harm, or would his fist close on it, crushing, constricting?
I'm terrified.
I know he cares for me, I know it. Perhaps it is even more than caring. He holds me like I'm precious, looks at me as if I'm truly beautiful. You make me feel content just by being near, he told me once, that uncharacteristic softness spreading across his face. That is perhaps the best compliment I've ever gotten - that I can brighten someone's world simply by being me.
Still.
This is too good to be true, all my instincts tell me so. It must be a mirage or a shimmering soap bubble that will burst if you look too closely. There's bound to be a catch somewhere, a clause in fine print spelling out the cost in letters too tiny to see. Nothing worth having is ever free. Nothing good ever lasts. I know all this, I've payed the price before, dearly. Yet I can't seem to bring myself to leave.
–-
Can't sleep, again.
I study Pavel instead, watching his chest rise and fall with his deep, quiet breaths. He's beautiful when he sleeps. He looks different, the hard planes of his face relaxed, softened. A younger, sweeter, more vunerable side shining through. A glimpse of the man he could have been, perhaps, if not for his past. I don't want to hurt him. I know I could, know I could and would find his weak spots if it came to that. Sometimes I wonder if I am his weak spot, even.
If I can't leave for my own sake, can I do it for his?
I think I can.
For him.
-
A storm hit Peltarch yesterday. Not just your avarage autumn gusts and pouring rain, no, a real storm, a tempest. Savage winds whipping the sea into a frenzy, drowning the docks in icy water, flooding houses and tearing at the anchored ships in the harbour. Drelan ordered the warehouse secured, saw to the ships and then had us draw back to the relative safety of the commerce district while the storm raged on. Taria wouldn't stay, couldn't be stopped from going to the docks, and Drelan had little say in the matter. Crew is crew, but church is church - intimately intertwined, yet separate threads in the Sails banner.
There were whispers on the wind, something or someone egging the elements on. That's what they told us, in accusing tones as we reentered the Docks district when the fury of the storm finally started to fade. Exhausted defenders and volunteers, hollow-eyed workers and store owners, bereft of home and profit. Tired, frustrated and angry, they all looked to place blame, desperately looking for a scape-goat. They found one in Taria, and to a lesser extent in all of us.
Umberlee and her followers caused this, that was the general consensus of the mob, many of which started pelting Taria with pebbles and rotten fruit. Fools. I heard no voices in the wind - I have never been sensitive to spiritual matters - but if they were so sure that it was indeed the Queen's Wrath they had faced, how exactly does it help to hurl abuse at her chosen? Cursing and shaking one's fist at the storm does precious little to stop it, as any sailor will tell you. You may hate her and you should fear her, but the fact remains that Umberlee reigns over the seas. If she brings the storm, no amount of bravery and defiance will save you. Be small, be humble, be the reed that bends rather than breaks. Cower and make offerings, and her wrath may subside. Sensible advice, for which our priestess was rewarded only with insults. Idiot land-lubbers.
I suppose it's human bloody nature to always want someone else to blame, rather than have to face the fact that you might have brought this on yourself. Corana and others of the clergy have spoken about the lack of respect for the Queen on many occasions, warning about something just like this happening, but to little avail. Still there is no shrine in all of the city, still the senate wrinkle their fancy noses at the church of Umberlee. People in the docks should know better, you'd think, but perhaps they've been too sheltered for too long.
The fact that most of us Sails stayed in safer areas while the storm wreaked its havoc did little to make the crowd more friendly towards us, but I don't doubt Drelan's decision. We were just smart, salvaged what we could, then preserved our strenght for the rebuilding after the storm, while the others thought they could somehow fight the storm itself. Mark was there, looking drained and utterly exhausted, as was the Gondar priest, alongside a score of defenders and some adventurers from out of town.
Such a lot of hostility towards us, so many questions flung at us as if we'd somehow masterminded this. Taria left, about as upset as I've ever seen her while the rest of us rode out this second storm, of accusations, not rain and wind. Mark was quiet, he understands better than most, yet I felt again how distant he's become from us since he left the organization. The Gondar was argumentative, but perhaps the most persistant of all was the druid Wolf. Why would he care so about damage to the city, I wonder. Why not see the balance, see the beauty of the storm, appreciate the sheer force of the elements? Vagabond would understand, hells, he'd be giddy with joy, trying to bring the inland storms out to meet the seas I bet.
Ah, Vagabond…he knows about storms. He's probably the only one I share that secret thrill with, that rush of feeling both very small and yet more alive than ever, more aware of your surroundings. More connected to the world, to something bigger than yourself, perhaps? I can't quite capture the feeling in words, but for as long as I can remember I've had this fascination with storms. It's even better at sea, like I've told Vagabond. There, the storm is all around you, every which way you turn. I normally hate rain, hate dreary and grey skies, but the storm...the storm wakes something in me.
He took me with him into the forests of the Gypsy Pass once, when he felt a storm building. He called to it, drew it nearer until it was all around us, tension building, black clouds darkening the skies. Boom, zap! Lightning struck in a series of jagged lights, thunder shaking the ground. He pressed up close behind me, breathing hard, his excitement obvious. I looked back, thinking to kiss him at that moment, but his eyes were on the skies, a bright smile fixed on his face. It was a good storm, so I kissed him later, just before leaving. Poor, sweet Vagabond.. He looked so dumbfounded that I wonder if he's ever been kissed before, let alone done more than that. Perhaps I'll find out sometime.
Pavel doesn't understand storms. I saw his unease, the clenching of his fists as if looking for someone to punch. He wanted to fight it, shield me against it perhaps while I had to suppress my elation, the strangely jubilant feeling coursing in my veins. We ended up at the Ferret afterwards, about the only place in the district that hadn't been too badly drenched by the waters. We weren't alone, the place was packed with muddied and weary workers and adventurers. We got a table of our own, in a corner. I sat on his lap, his arms around me, rubbing warmth into my icy skin. We were soaked...our clothes wet and clingy. It could only end in one way. The last thing I heard before desire consumed my every thought was Yolande, her soft voice and persuasive manners smoothing a lot of bad blood over with the crowd.
It's a storm of a different nature, this private one that tears at me, tosses me this way and that like a dingy out at sea. My feelings for Pavel are getting stronger by the day, so out of control by now that we were actually fined 1000 gold for getting intimate under the stairs of the crafters hall in Peltarch... I feel as if I'm playing with fire, as if I'm standing knee-deep in water, holding a metal rod up to the darkened skies, inviting the lightning strike. I must be mad...but I've never felt so alive.
-
You're too much woman for me, he's said many times now. Too intense, too sexy, too much for just one man. Still he keeps coming back for more. He's long since stopped holding back, now he plunges headlong into our embraces with not a thought to the depths of the waters.
It's different with you, he said after Velvet, hinting at something more.
I need you, he whispered later, in the heat of passion. Though later modified to almost need, the pause before the word almost was betrayingly long.
I love you, he blurted out spontaneosly, amused by some comment of mine. A cold chill down my spine, a jolt in my gut. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, I replied quickly, dryly, hoping to make light of the matter. He simply grinned. You know what I mean, he said.
Do I?
Love - the word seems to hang in the air between us, like a third person in the room, waiting, demanding to be acknowledged, or at least confronted. I ignore it, rudely and deliberately, but lately he's been casting these sidelong glances at the unseen presence.
I don't understand the concept of love, he says, looking at me like I'm supposed to guide him, tell him, as if I'd know the secret somehow. I don't do the love thing, I tell him, a bit too brusquely. It's a sore topic for me and he knows it, so he doesn't press further. He asks others instead, in his characteristically blunt style, but seems unsatisfied with the inconsistancy of the answers.
Then the three sages visit Peltarch. Wise, learned, respectable and wizened old men, supposedly holding the answer to all of life's riddles. Each person visiting may ask one question, and the sages will answer true. Pavel insists we go, I trudge along with a strange reluctance. The library is crowded. We stand in line, patiently. Well, he is patient, I'm itching to get out, but strangely curious at the same time. What will he ask?
A question about magic, about the body's abilities to grow resistant to it, it turns out. Relief and disappointment mingle inside me. What will I ask then? Suddenly all the questions I can think of are the sort that I'm not sure I want to know the answer to. I hesitate, try to melt into the crowd, looking aimless, as if not -really- standing in line. I'm shuffled forwards. Oh..er..a question? Can I let him have my question, sirs? The sage nods benignly, pointing to his collegue. Another line, we wait again.
What is love?
The wise man hums ponderously, his brow furrowing in thought. His answer is dry and academic, precisely worded yet somehow still too elusive for my liking.
"Love is a feeling of strong appreciation and affection, which may or may not be reciprocated."
Beside me Pavel nods in thoughtful acceptance, while I feel like arguing several points quite forcefully, feel like questioning the so called wise man about his own experience. Appreciation, affection….to me they are misguiding and insufficient words to define this most powerful, dangerous feeling. Love is a storm, it is lightning and thunder, it is ship-wrecks and forest fires, destruction and elation all wrapped into one. It consumes you, leaving only charred remains, broken floatsam, debris washing ashore on some forgotten beach. Love is a tidal wave, sweeping you up and shattering you against the jagged cliffs. Love is a beast with razor sharp claws, ripping you to shreds, to bloody ribbons. Love -hurts-! I want to shout all this at the sage, but I can't, my mouth is dry and no words will come.
"Did you have a question, young miss?" Oh no..not me. I shake my head mutely, then squeeze out a short reply: I was just curious...about the same thing as him. A knowing, patronizing smile from the sage. I hold my tongue and we walk off together, both alone in our own thoughts. He looks somehow content, pleased with a clear answer, perhaps. I am torn.
I ponder the answer in my head, forcing myself to look at it cooly, calmly, as if it was the whole and actual truth. Affection and appreciation...let's see. I am admittedly fond of Pavel, I care about him, enjoy his company on almost every level, both as a lover and as a friend. So aye, fine, affection and appreciation both...damn. As for strong...a matter of definition there, a tiny hole to wriggle out of. Certainly not a weak feeling, no... I can't deceive myself all that well. It's strong. Fark.
May or may not be reciprocated...that is the cinch though, isn't it? The difference between riding the wave or drowning, crashing and smashing oneself to bits.
I love you Sal! In my head I can still hear Liara's desperate cry, pleading, demanding, begging me to stay, to love her in return. I couldn't. She drowned in the waves, leaving me to my guilt.
Then my turn...I begged, just like her, every bit as needy and pathetic. He couldn't, wouldn't. Rage tore at me, jealousy blinded me. My hand, the knife, his blood.
I don't want this, this madness, these memories. Don't want this repeated, don't want the hurt again, don't want him hurt either. Love will tear us apart, but I can't stay away, I can't end it. I just can't.
We sit at the campfire in Jiyyd, him beside me for once, not standing back and observing in his usual manner. His arm is around my waist, it is welcome there, it fits, belongs there. The fire crackles, the night is calm and quiet. Other people move about, shadowy creatures that hardly even register in my mind. We sit as if in a bubble, just Pavel and me, cradled by the velvet night. My hand creeps across to cover his, to stroke his fingers softly. He smiles, gives me that soft smile that seems reserved just for me. How do you manage to always touch me so deep inside, he asks in a low voice, his eyes shimmering in the faint light from the fire. I can find no witty answer to that, can't find my tongue even. I stare down at our intertwined fingers, glad for the night to cover my face, afraid of what he might read there.
The word hangs in the air.
I worry sometimes that we've become too close, I whisper to him. He is quiet, waiting, his hand still in mine. I think up all these wise and sensible reasons to end things, but everytime I see you, they melt away into nothing.. My voice is low, barely audible, but he nods, holds me closer. I think he understands, but the darkness hides his face aswell as mine. We sit like that, in that quiet, close embrace until the last of the embers die out.
I think I have to leave, have to make my escape before I say it, before I manage to wreck everything like I always do. No messes, no love, that was the promise I made to myself. I'll miss him, I think he'll miss me too, think I might even hurt him by leaving, but ultimately I'll spare us both if I manage it. May Umberlee harden my resolve - I am weak, and the word burns bright in my heart, beckoning to be spoken.
-
It's getting worse. I thought it would subside, thought that the hungry, frenzied phase we've gone through would satisfy us, would take the edge off whatever madness it is that drives us. It didn't, instead it's only getting worse. Deepening, intensifying.
Desire. Sometimes the very sight of him can make my mouth dry with it. I've long admired the way he moves, glides almost, so completely in control of his beautifully muscled body, but it's the little details that capture my attention to the point of distraction lately. The sinews playing along his forearms, the soft, tawny hairs covering them. His hands, so strong and so cruel, so capable of arousing my passions…my mind drifts, melts into a puddle, all thoughts dissolved into just wanting, longing to be touched by those hands. The little depression between his neck and his collarbone, begging to be touched, kissed...his golden-brown hair, tinged with copper, surprisingly soft and silky to the touch. He's letting it grow out for me, a hint of a curl at the end of each strand.
When he's close it's even worse, his body heat and the scent of him entoxicating my senses, robbing me of all clarity of purpose. I'm reeling with it, trying to fight an undertow so strong as to wrestle all control from the helm. It's a pointless struggle, ending in a spectacular shipwreck each and every time. He's just as doomed, wanting me with a fervour I'd relish, find empowering if not for the fact that it goes both ways. Usually so calm and cool, so in control, Pavel will go blurry-eyed, stuttering with desire and with the effort not to rip my clothes off, wherever we might be at the time. Mind-melt, distraction or even brain rot we call it, this attraction that neither of us seem quite capable of fighting.
Get a room, people tell us, their tones varying between amusement, envy and disgust. We do, all the time, we've frequented every inn in all of Narfell (apart from Norwick, obviously), but at those times, when the world fades and there is only that dizzying need to touch, a room is just not near and fast enough. We've joked about needing a portable room, perhaps a tent, but it's only a joke in part. I swear it's just a matter of time before we get arrested for public lewdness, at this rate...and knowing Peltarch, the fines are bound to be painfully steep, if they don't just toss the pair of us straight in jail (in separate cells, obviously).
Jail...Hawk's in jail right now, locked up on some bogus claim of obstructing justice. It started with Gen, hurrying past us at the commons, followed by a running, redfaced guard. Instead of asking guardswoman Lisa, the bloody farker demanded her whereabouts of us instead. Hawk and I lied, poorly, stupidly...I'm ashamed, thinking back, I can lie better than that, can twist and wriggle out of situations like that as slick as an otter, usually. But Pavel was standing against the wall further back, the fading sunlight bronzing his skin, turning his hair to copper. I was distracted, unfocused, and yes, just plain stupid.
I lied, then grew angry, talked back, talked us right into the trap they no doubt wanted us spring. 300 gold fine, for each of you, Lisa demanded coldly. I refused sullenly, Hawk aswell, but Pavel...he payed my fine without a moments hesitation. I was livid, kicked his shin as I approached - giving coin away for that made-up, stupid, fake charge? It was a trap, he explained calmly, wincing just a bit at my kick. It's only gold, he began, but my look must have convinced him against the wisdom of persuing this particular line of reasoning. I don't want you in jail, he mumbled finally, and as they dragged Hawk off, I couldn't help but agree. I don't want to be in jail, I really don't. I kissed him then, kissed him for being a better bodyguard than I had ever thought, in that he would protect me even from myself.
The interrogation a week earlier, that's what had my blood boiling so fast too, why I lost my temper with the guards. They took myself, Pavel, Taria and Hawk in off the streets, questioning, insulting and trying to bully us into talking one by one...I was first, had to wait locked in a nearby room after they were done with me. A long, harrowing wait, Hawk joining me after a while. I flirted with him distractedly, to take my mind off the panicked look on Pavel's face as he entered the building. He won't stand being locked up, he'd rather die than be caged again. I fretted inwardly, imagined the carnage if they were to try and contain him, but luckily they released him immediately and ourselves shortly thereafter.
After Hawk was imprisoned, we ended up in the Ferret, drinking and distracting ourselves thoroughly. I was on Pavel's lap, kissing all thought and all my pent up anger and worry away when Drelan stormed in, giving us a dark, disgusted look. He'd heard about Hawk and demanded a full account of what had happened. You couldn't tear yourselves away from each other for long enough to report something like this to me immidiately? he asked, piercing me with that blue gaze of his. Damn Drelan! Again I felt like a guilty child, Pavel being the jar of cookies I couldn't keep my hands from. I murmured something lame about being upset, needing time to cool down before acting, but Drelan looked less than convinced.
Does he have a point, I wonder now, sitting awake with my thoughts as Pavel slumbers in the nearby bed. Does what I have with Pavel distract me too much, does it keep me from my duties, distance me from my crewmates? I don't know...certainly Drelan himself is a lot less friendly than he used to be. Not that he's cold to me exactly, just that we seem never to talk like we used to. It's always work, work, work, either this problem or that, some situation needing mending, some deal being struck, and then he's off again with his cloak swirling behind him. Not that he needs me to talk to, he's got Candy and Yolande to confide in, to advise him on all sorts of matters. I kinda miss it though, our little chats in the past...but the change has little to do with Pavel, I think. More likely Drelan just finally figured out I'm no lady, and stopped treating me as such. I think he still respects me as a crewmember. I hope...because I'm not doing all that badly.
I do actually manage quite well, inspite of, or maybe even because of the distractions. My sales are up, I'm adding scrolls to the inventory with certain success, and gold is flowing in due to my and Pavel's need to busy ourselves with things other than each other's bodies just to keep our minds somewhat in functioning order. I don't know...I do worry though. I worry that my focus is slipping, even more so that the walls I've so carefully constructed around the ruins of my heart are crumbling. I care about Pavel, I do, it's useless to think otherwise. Just looking at him now, sleeping peacefully with his arm flung out over my side of the bed, almost cradling the space usually occupied by me makes something inside me ache. Fark. This is bad..I should stop, should pull out now while we're both unhurt. I'm just not sure I can. I know that as soon as he wakes, as soon as my skin touches his, all these thoughts will evaporate.
My own little prison of desire, or ours even. We'll see who's strong enough to break out first, neither of us are likely to stay confined for long, no matter how comfortable the lodgings are. I just hope our friendship is still there when the dust settles.
-
The Black Sails are expanding suddenly, unexpectedly. A certain captain Sasha's ill luck or bad choice in passangers led to the destruction of her ship, and Deacon, ever the opportunist, didn't waste much time in recruiting her and her entire crew. The details of their deal is unclear to me, but it seems mostly a form of alliance at present. Captain Sasha retains control over her own crew, but they will wear our colours, work for and with us. Whether this alliance is temporary or permanent remains to be seen, but in either case it's undoubtedly an interesting developement. Hawk seems less than pleased, grumbling about how the new crew showed up right about the same time as the troubles with the little whiteclad assassins started, obsessing over possible connections there. I'm not too concerned myself, I'll leave the paranoia to our top man in that field - Drelan. If there is something dodgy about the newcomers, I'm fairly confident the Lieutenant will find out and take appropriate action.
It's also interesting comparing our crew to the new one. Already we've inofficially established a certain correlation between Deacon and Sasha, and the likeness between Drelan and Sasha's right hand man are even more obvious. The latter, like the former, is the strong, silent type, though Drelan doesn't have the excuse of having had his tongue cut out to explain his bouts of silence. Taria was instantly smitten and started speculating who'd win the fight between our Drelan and theirs. Sasha's sister is one of a kind though - there's something not quite right about that girl. Just being blonde doesn't account for that level of dimness. Velvet must be -the- most vapid creature I've ever met, and like a cat in heat, she seems to constantly rub herself against the nearest male creature she finds. At the warehouse, that male happened to be Pavel.
You've got pretty boots!, Velvet giggled, batting her big, vacant eyes at him. You've got pretty…boobs, he replied, grinning like a child in a candy store. I felt myself grow silent, watching with a certain strange detachement. I stayed calm, acted amused, but inwardly I wanted to scream: Of course the boots are pretty, you slag! I gave him those, they're my boots! Pretty soon Velvet and Pavel were all over each other, while I was just standing there with a grin frozen on my face, trying to chat on with whoever it was I was talking to, doing my best to appear breezy and unbothered, but the truth is I wasn't. I wasn't unbothered and it chocked me, it still chocks me to realize that.
I was jealous.
Why? Why would I be jealous, I'm never jealous, not since a long time ago, not since... And why would I be jealous of someone like Velvet, someone with all the mental capacity of a cabbage? Perhaps it's just the way she looks...long, blonde hair, legs up to the ceiling, big breasted and curvacious. Everything a man looks for in a woman, some might claim. I'm sure I look small, plain, even bony in comparison, but at least I have something larger than a walnut under my head of hair. Velvet's head is probably just stuffed with more of that blonde hair, insulation for a minuscule brain.
Hawk's comment snapped me out of my daze suddenly: ...Sabre's got him on a short leash... He looked at me, almost expectantly, as if I was supposed to pull at that imaginary leash and forbid Pavel his fun. I wouldn't, I couldn't - there shouldn't even be a leash in the first place. Pavel is a free man, he can do what he pleases, just like myself. I'm not greedy, I heard myself claim calmly. Ain't the possessive kind, I added, remarkably casually. Even as I said the words, I felt myself willing them to be true, forcing my feelings to the contrary back down into the murky depths.
Jealousy, that green-eyed monster, that mean-spirited ghost of the past... I thought I'd banished it for good, yet here it was again, rearing it's ugly head. You won't get me, I thought, I won't be that person ever again. I won't...
I won't care, I'll hardly notice his hand on her leg, her breast..her hands squeezing his rear..their lips meeting...
I forced myself to feel nothing, then Drelan lost his temper and ordered the pair of them outside. Velvet skipped ahead, giggling inanely, but Pavel lingered, hestitating. Will you be alright on your own Sabre, he asked, an unspoken plea for permission. No I won't, stay with me! shrieked the green-eyed monster, but I kept my silence. I looked at him - so excited, his cheeks flushed, his eyes lit up. He looked...beautiful. Pavel's already missed out on so many good things in life, I'll be damned if I'm going to rob him of any others, I thought. He doesn't really need my permission to have fun, but what kind of friend would I be to him if I denied him that?
Is friendship really all there is between you; all you want from him?, the monster asked insinuatingly, trying to bait me. Oh, just shut up! I thought. I picked up a metaphorical oar and whacked it firmly over the head. A resounding thud, then the beast sank slowly back under the surface. Go, enjoy, I told Pavel, and I meant it. When he still looked hesitant I shooed him off, practically ushered him out the door before I could change my mind.
He wasn't gone long, returned looking relaxed, satisfied. I'm glad for him, I am, relieved also that I managed to avoid being a spoilsport. Steal your happiness wherever you find it, that's what I've been telling him and apparantly I'm an excellent teacher. It was fun, he told me later, it was sex, pure and simple. It's different with you, Sabre, it's more...more intense, more close. In my head, a shrewd little voice filled in the blanks: more than just sex.
I wish that didn't make me so damned pleased.
-
Just one rule.
It's very simple:
Don't die.
The Black Sails are not a very organized crew, with few outspoken rules to follow. That's not to say that rules don't exist, though perhaps rules are not the right word to use. Expectations, or a code of conduct rather? No one expects a motley crew such as ours to actually behave, but there are nonetheless a few basic guidelines to follow: always strive for profit, don't betray business secrets to outsiders, don't try to cheat or double-cross your crewmates and so on.
Most of all, it's a matter of loyalty. You're expected to stick together, a one
for all and all for one sort of thing, though without the noble pretences.
Deacon is very insistant on us wearing the colours, I guess to him they are an outward sign of that loyalty. They do serve a purpose - like a wasps or a snakes bright markings, the black and gold is a warning sign to others not to mess with the Black Sails. Swat one wasp, and the whole hive will come for you, is the intended message. It is a form of protection, but it also brings some unwanted headaches, such as being constantly viewed as a filthy pirate and an evil Umberlant.I had some issues with this at first, both with what was expected of me from within the group and from the outside. I kept stubbornly clinging to the notion that it was just a job like any other, and that I would simply take whatever I could get out of it and leave. I acted loyal enough, I followed the rules if not strictly then at least seemingly decently. But somewhere along the lines the colours seeped under my skin, the pretence became so well rehearsed, so convincing that I started believing in it myself. I don't think I mind though. It's not all bad, feeling that I belong, whether it's true or not.
It's mostly Drelan's fault, or credit, depending on one's viewpoint. Though
Deacon inspires many ideas and dreams the bigger dreams, to me it's definitely Drelan that awakened that slumbering sense of loyalty in me. I think he actually cares for the well-being of the crew, looks out not just for the bigger picture but for our lives and our health aswell. Deacon is by far more ruthless, though perhaps he needs to be. Perhaps caring is a luxury you can't afford in his position, and perhaps that too is ultimately for the greater good, good for that bigger picture at least. My mother would certainly agree. She had no qualms whatsoever about sacrificing lives if the need arose. Just one thing mattered, in her mind. Not crew, not riches really, certainly not me, though perhaps I do her unjustice there. What did matter, what always mattered most was the Harbinger. The ship was the one love that was always true to her…but I drift from my point.Leadership..rules... Ah yes, -the- rule. Don't die. Mine and Pavel's invention, somewhere along the lines of our working partnership. It sounds simple enough, like pointing out the obvious, but there is a purpose behind repeating that little phrase before heading out into the fray. It is both a reminder to caution, and a word of warning.
- Don't be careless or reckless because we won't risk our lives to save yours. Don't play a hero, and don't expect heroism from us. Think, plan ahead, and if things turn for the worse, run and live another day. Don't let greed blind you into taking stupid risks, there is no profit in dying. Hope for luck, but don't ever count on it -
It's all so rational and easy in theory, but in reality I've struggled to stick to the rule on numerous occasions. Pavel on the other hand is very good at that rule, and he makes sure I keep it too, as best he can. The not being a hero part I've got well and truly covered, the greed I'm trying to keep under control but the running really isn't my strongest suit. I'll have Pavel work with me on that, though I very much doubt I'll ever be as fast as him.
He ran from the kobolds that ambushed us in the foothills. I couldn't, I was swarmed within seconds, beaten down and carried off to their cave to be "punished" for ridding the world of so many of the little farks. Help arrived just in time though, with the aid of the Far Scouts I managed to swim out through an underground channel. Pavel later spent a great deal of time and effort caring for my wounds, looking regretful, as if he'd failed somehow. He was new as my bodyguard then, perhaps that's why it stung him so, but we both agreed there was nothing else he could have done. He could have died defending me, but it would have ended up with my capture either way, they were just too many. Besides, I told him, your escape was the one thing that gave me courage, that made me talk back to their chief and maybe bought me the time I needed to get out alive. It really irked them that you got away, and I rubbed their scaly little faces in it. Of course, the fact that you would likely go get the rest of the Sails and bring bloody vengeance right back to them didn't sit well either. He smiled at this, looking somewhat more pleased. The rule comes first, agreed? Agreed.
We've managed pretty well since then, though death has been nipping at our heels many times. People around us have fared worse - Caling, Gen, Taria, all three have fallen recently. Caling to those whiteclad little men, causing such a stir in the city, Taria and Gen to the hordes of hobgoblins overrrunning us in the cave. In the city, I fought when I should have run, when Pavel yelled at me to run. Foolish, foolish, I was cut down, nearly broke the rule, but in the caves I stayed back. I ran, I dodged. I lived.
It is good to live, but I can't help feeling bad for the others. It was beyond my abilities to stop though, I won't feel guilty for living, I won't. I'll just work harder at making the others follow the rule in future, all of them. Sticking to the rule requires teamwork, after all. Perhaps that will be my guideline as a captain, my own rule of thumb when it comes to future command? Go for the loot, the thrills, the fun, but stick to the rule.
The one and only, the desceptively simple rule:
Don't die.
-
Sitting in a dark corner in Oscura, at the Shiney Coppers. Alone for once, a flickering candle the only source of light, just enough to write by. The sounds and the bustle of the inn are strangely muted, but then it's Oscura. There's always a weird sense of calm here, as if not only sound but even emotions are muffled by the cave walls. Not only sunshine is blocked out but also the harshness of reality, the sharp and ugly details. Everyone looks prettier by candlelight.
It isn't hard to understand why so many seek refuge here, not hard at all. But shelter for one man is another man's prison. There are slaves here, slaves of different kinds. Some do menial labour, some are artisans or pleasure slaves, others fight, like Pavel did. He was a slave here for more years than he'd care to count, forced to fight in the arena for the entertainment of others. In common for all the slaves, highly valued or not, is that somehow…it is generally agreed upon that they are not quite people. Townsfolk look past them, through them, talk to their owner instead of directly to them. As if having been made a slave also robbed you of your humanity. Perhaps it does, if you accept being seen that way? Perhaps it's even alluring to some, to let go of being responsible for their own lives.
Pavel didn't think so, he was never the submissive sort. He escaped, got away from his prison. Prepared to run before I caught him, made him return. Back to Oscura - he was probably more than anxious, maybe even afraid though he managed pretty well not to let on. You are one of us now, I assured him. They can't just take you back. So he followed, as always I managed to persuade him. And I'm glad I did, I'm a little bit proud even though I had precious little to do with what happened. In a meeting discussing the Sails future in Oscura, the lady Deliera set Pavel free. Burning a single piece of paper was all it took, so simple an act, but so profound it's effects. We toasted silently to each other as the meeting progressed - he looked happy, but at the same time stunned, a bit lost even.
Freedom is like sunshine perhaps, like the clear skies and the open sea. Big and bright, beautiful and open, but also sharp and unforgiving, nowhere to hide or take shelter from the wind. Exposed to the elements, perhaps also to facing yourself, the choices you make and your own flaws? No excuses for the mistakes you make freely. But at least they are your mistakes. There's so much more room for maneuvre out in the open, for choosing your own path, your own goals. Pavel's been thinking long and hard about his own goals, I think. It's interesting seeing him approach life with such an honest curiosity, even though many people seem bothered by the bluntness of his questions.
What do you want in life, Sabre, he asked me. A big question. I found myself fumbling for the right words, coming up with a partial answer at least. I want to be stronger, I said finally, truthfully. To be strong and free, just rich enough and powerful enough to be able to make my own choices in life, to go or rather set sail wherever my fancy and the winds may take me. What does he want? He searches still, squinting his eyes against the sun, but to enjoy his freedom is one thing I know he strives for. I think I'm being a pretty good guide when it comes to that.
Places like Oscura offer protection but also limitations. Me, I'm an open skies kind of girl.
-
Death again. Not mine this time, but the responsibility is mine, at least in part. Gen…the argument still unresolved, me pushing for some sort of closure, for an end to the strife. Ormpur. Not the place to debate such matters in, but I just couldn't leave things be. She was quiet, saddened, so pityful loooking that I wanted to slap her. I wanted to scream at her: So someone hurt you - get over it! It may be a first but it'll happen again, and again and again and again. That's life!
So frustrated - I just don't get her, can't get through to her. Sometimes it's as if we don't even speak the same language. I swear I was never that young, never that naive. I tried to reason with her, tried to seem calm, persuasive and understanding but I got too frustrated. Lost my temper, said too much or the wrong things, I'm not sure which. She looked about to cry again when Devlin decided it was time to leave, stomping off impatiently. Gen and Taria followed swiftly, but I stayed, lingered a while to talk to Pavel quietly. Shall I apologize, even if I don't mean the words Sabre?, he asked. Before I could reply, Taria came running back, blood staining her armour. Hurry! , she screamed, then we ran. Too late...too many worgs. Devlin and Gen, bitten and mauled to death before our very eyes. A frenzied fight ensued before we could drag their bodies back to Jiyyd. If only I'd been faster, if only we hadn't argued...
If only's have never done anyone much good, but they fill my mind regardless. Regret, remorse, a sense of failure. I was supposed to be the senior Sail, supposed to lead in some sense. I failed, failed, failed. It makes me question whether or not I'm really fit to be a leader. Am I really decisive enough, strong-willed, thick-skinned and ruthless enough to be in command? A sinking feeling in my gut says I'm not, but I -have- to be, I must. I must, for the Harbinger's sake. I couldn't stand to let anyone other than myself captain -my- ship, should I ever regain her.
Once back amongst the living, neither Gen nor Devlin blamed me. They didn't have to, I did that fine by myself. I still do, though I feel a little more at peace now. Death, loss - I cope badly with these things though one might think I'd become used to them by now. I was drifting back into my cold and familiar depression, fog sweeping in around me when Pavel caught me, offering a form of escape from my island of self-inflicted misery. He bought a good few bottles of booze and led me upstairs, nudged me to talk, listened as if he really cared. He layed his arm around me, I rested my cheek against his chest. So strong, so warm, the fragrance of him filling my nostrils. A sliver of desire crept through the fog. Gently, I whispered, gently...let me show you how. We made love then, slowly, silently...soft caresses, just skin against skin in what was almost more of an embrace than actual sex. Like Liara...just like Liara.
He smiled afterwards, a strangely soft smile. That was different...but nice...I liked it, he whispered, looking like he truly meant it. I rested my head against his chest once more as his arms stroked my back. Then I told him the story of Liara, of all that she taught me and gave me of herself. All the love I could never return, all the pain I caused her...and the end. The fight, my flight, her death. Liara, dead. Not by my hands, but the blame is still mine. If only...
Her image is still vivid in my mind; her warm brown eyes and honey hair, that dimpled smile and the flawless grace of all her movements. The business Liara, expertly pleasing and teasing her clients, and then the private Liara, my Liara. Warm and tender, patient, forgiving. Funny, oh so funny she could be. If only I could have loved her back, if only.
You were lucky to have such a friend, Pavel pointed out gently, as my voice trailed off. It's true. I just wish...He stopped me there, told me the story of his friend in return. Friend, or almost brother from the sound of things. He's dead now, I guess we have that in common aswell. Loss. Pain. Guilt. I repeated his own words back to him - you were lucky to have such a friend. He smiled, agreeing. You would have liked Liara, I added. You would have liked Pavel, he replied. I do like Pavel...imagine two Pavels, now that would make me almost too lucky. He grinned and held me closer, grew silent. Looked at me almost cautiously before whispering: kiss me again, the way you did before...with your tongue...I think I'm ready to try that again.
A soft kiss, a slow, tentative exploration. His tongue carefully, gently tasting my mouth, my lips in return. A shimmer in his eyes afterwards, a look of almost wonder. A good kiss...but not a wise one. Revealing your soft spots makes you all the more prone to get hurt. I should know, but still I kissed him. And I can't promise I won't do it again.
Tenderness, so much more dangerous than playing rough. And what's worse, I think he's beginning to like it too.
