Evanescent and lingering - Gaerielle's notes

[Gaerielle]

I was told I should keep a journal. More than a diary, this is supposed to help me lay down how I feel and get a clearer view of it. I am not sure if this will work, but I have very little to lose, so… here it is.

Adrian says I should start by writing down about the things that make me feel bad. It would probably have been easier, or rather, less painful the other way around, but I will do as he says. I assume it is because I look more sad than I hoped to, that I am not as good at concealing it as I thought I was. The truth is, I don't even feel that bad at the moment. I do feel down, but I have been carrying this feeling for years now. It just comes up stronger at times, but it has been here ever since I left my home village.

There have been moments of happiness though, scarce and evanescent. Looking back, I have a much harder time seeing them than the bad times. Maybe writing down about the things bothering me will help me draw the line between them. I thought hard about a way to do so, and I decided to do my best to keep them all separated as much as I can. I haven't thought of a precise order yet, but I suppose I will write about them as they come to me.

[Gaerielle]

Faith

I have only realized after writing the title that it was coming right after my lines about Suiadan - that was not intended and is not related at all. I am mentioning faith in Gods and Goddesses here, and although it is not among the things that pain me the most, it is a matter that does linger and bother me quite often.

My father always taught me to be grateful to the Lady Luck. And I am; after all, I suppose I was lucky to meet the people I did when I arrived in Jiyyd, otherwise I would probably be long dead by now. I had never even held a weapon before I first stepped into the town. Even reaching Jiyyd was mostly luck. Eastlander raiders gathering at the time had been cleaning the roads, and they let me pass without even asking me anything. It is only much later that I understood that they must have mistaken me for a spy sent to Narfell. Less lucky for me, they weren't the only ones to believe so, but I guess a topic on this will come later.
The point is, I am not a Tymoran. I have met several, and it is obvious that I am not like them. I am too fearful to tempt luck, I show myself as far from cheerful most of the time… well, I lack all the traits that I have seen on all of them.
I suppose it is not necessary a bad thing not to follow your father's faith. But I never found the deity whose teachings might correspond to myself, to how I am. I guess I could pray to them without it, but it somehow feels wrong to do so. I don't see myself praying to Helm wheras I am unable to watch over anyone, for example.
I spoke to many people about finding my patron, but the only thing most did was trying to convince me that I should follow the same as them, that it didn't matter if His or Her teachings felt wrong or if I was unable to even follow them. It was just feeling horrible, so I ended up only searching by myself.

I went to see lady Lacey at the Wilting Flower some time ago. Since everyone kept telling me that I needed to find more confidence, I thought Lady Sune might be the one to grant me that, if any. Lady Lacey was very understanding, and even gave me lessons for some time. I had never been able to flirt, and I was awfully embarassed by the things she was showing me, but I learned much from her. And I prayed to the Lady Firehair for some confidence, with all my heart.
I am still far from confident in myself or in my skills, but I suppose it did help. However, I stopped taking lessons long ago, after I tried to use what I had been taught and only ended up wounding sir Jay, and making him mad at me.
I still pray to Lady Sune, hoping she will grant me what I apparently need the most. But it does feel selfish to beg for such a thing without doing anything for Her in return. I would gladly do so if I knew what to do. I changed how I dress and do my best to smile as much as I can, and it does feel nice. But I am unsure of the impact of my attempts. I will continue to do what little I can, hoping to find guidance some day, and to have the power to do something meaningful.

Adrian abruptedly suggested that I could become a priestess of Milil, too. I have to confess I did not feel that one coming, and it did feel awkward. I promised him that I would think about it, and I did. Maybe someday, when I can smile without it being a lie, I could deserve to bring joy in Milil's name, and pray to Her for everyone. But until then, I will continue to pray to Tymora for my father, and to Sune for myself.

Sometimes I wonder what my mother's faith was. I know she prayed, I have seen her do so, but I never thought of asking my father to whom it was before I had left. It never really occured to me back then that it may not have been to the Lady. I wish she would have been able to tell me.

[Gaerielle]

Suiadan

I like to believe that this pain will leave some day, and that I will look back on these notes and wonder why this came second in my thoughts. But, I decided I would write about things as I would think of them, and right now, this is weighting heavily on my heart, more than anything else.
It is over now, the shining dream I had believed in, but at least it had an actual ending. It is probably for the best, at least for him, and I had made up my mind never to regret my actions. It is not easy, and I feel completely empty right now, but I promised many times that I would stop complaining, so I won't. This pain will stay in my chest for as long as I can; all I can hope for is to manage to conceal it properly.

The first time I met Suiadan, he seemed just like any other. He mocked me, and made me ashamed and uncomfortable. But as we had the opportunity to spend some more time together, it somehow became something else. He was making me smile, and that felt wonderful.
I've been feeling somehow bad about my behaviour with him. I am still unsure how much my attempts showed, it was the first time I could apply what lady Lacey taught me about flirting. Well - the second actually, but my first horrible attempt is not the point of these lines.
Looking back, that time before we first kissed stands among the few fondest memories I can recollect nowadays. These few days still shine in my heart, and I often find myself drawing from them to find the strength to smile and hope, doing my best not to think of the rest.
I am fully aware that Suiadan didn't change, that only I did and made mistakes, and that doubtlessly feels the worst. All the rest has been a blur of missed words and moves, drowning in my fear to lose him. Asking to take things slow, being petrified a few times - I was dying to just hold him and smile, so why couldn't I ? There were so many things I wanted to do with him, and never even dared to ask. Even simple things. But all I could blurt out were those dreadful words that made him fear our relationship more than even I would.

So here I stay, with only my regrets and guilt as company. He slept with lady Jaelle and left, hurting her too in the process, for which I guess I carry the blame as well. I can't manage to feel mad at either of them, even after what she said to me. Maybe that's why I had to ask when he came back. I suppose I wanted to be upset, and hoped that in a way, hearing him speak of her would manage that. But it all remains my fault in the first place, no matter how anyone would put it.
I knew I was heading straight for a fall when we kissed again. I simply couldn't bring myself to lose him again, seeing him, feeling him hold me… I had missed all that too much and failed to run away from it. And I do believe he felt bad about all this, he seemed sincere. It felt sincere.
And I am lying to myself. He had me at 'little dove', and I knew I had lost already. I suppose I won't be called that again now. Farewell little dove, I really liked you.

It was lady Rhyla who made me take my final decision. Maybe not in the way she intended, but the result is the same, I suppose. So I acted horribly to him as a final parting gift, wishing he would have no regrets when he would think of me. All I can hope is that he will come back to lady Jaelle and that she won't do as I did. I know that she can be a very kind person at times, and she helped me a lot in the past. She deserves a wonderful man like him, and he deserves someone who will give him everything I can't.
My best wishes to both of you, I hope you find each other again.

[Gaerielle]

The Bardic College

Sitting in my room as I write, I suppose it is only natural that the first thing to come to my mind is the College. I wish I had only good things to write about it.
It is my only home now, although to be totally honest, I never even knew why I got there in the first place. I was lost when I first arrived in Jiyyd, and didn't even have a clue of what a bard is. That's where lady Lily found me. She tought me how to play the pipes, helped me write and practice my first song ever in order to make me perform it in front of Headmaster Zyphlin. I did, and was admitted as an apprentice in the Bardic College. I was given a tour, introduced to the others - yes, there were others back then. The place was lively and welcoming. And yet, I was feeling out of place. It took me a while to understand this feeling, but now I realize that I simply never asked to be there in the first place.
That said, I am endlessly grateful to lady Lily. Had she not brought me there, I don't know where I would be now, and don't want to think of it. Inspite of what I just wrote, I never regretted once to have been brought there. The College is all I have now, and I think losing it is currently my greatest fear.

When I returned to Narfell, the war was coming to an end, and the College had suffered much from it. Not physically, unlike most parts of the city, but because almost all of its members and Masters had left or had been killed. When Peltarch was set free, I found an empty building, void of any familiar echoes of laughter and music.
It took me several months to even dare getting my room back. I wasn't sure if I was still considered a member after my absence, and there was nobody I could ask. During the following two years, I kept searching for people in charge, gathered rumors on the wereabouts of the ones I knew or didn't, I even met sir Arryn - one of the founders, but nothing helped it. There simply was no organization left, and nobody to put one back in place.
It took me two years to accept this as a fact, and Aelthas helped me take my decision. I left a note on the boards in case I had missed someone, but nobody answered, so I did what felt like the only thing to do, and broke into the Headmaster's office to collect the keys and papers I would need in order to, well, pretend the College was active again.
Something I was once told almost made my heart shatter, even though it was not meant to do so. But this moment was referred to me as how I took over the College. I panicked when I heard those words, and would probably do so again if they were repeated. It was never my intention to do so, to pretend that I was the new Headmaster and rule the place. I simply did not want to let it die, and had little choice back then. My intent was only to keep the theatre alive until someone would return, or someone else would come up to do so.
I still feel guilty for having done so, especially after lady Eowiel returned. Lady Lycka reappeared as well, and suddenly I had not done the right thing, but had acted on my own instead of waiting for their word. The feeling of unfairness still comes back to me whenever I think of it. I still don't see what I have done wrong. Looking back on my actions, yes, it has been wrong to act without permission. But how was I supposed to know that they would reappear shortly afterwards ? How long was I expected to wait leaving the theatre to falter before being right to assume nobody was taking care of it anymore ?

My relation with lady Lycka is very tense for other reasons, and I am still unsure about lady Eowiel's feelings about me. She both scolded me and praised me, leaving me without a clue of whether I was supposed to go on or not. She expects me to perform a "Masterpiece", which I suppose would give me an official position in the College and would make my actions in retrospect acceptable. I worked very hard on my song, and even though I lack the material I require to perform it, I am not even sure I would do so if I had everything I need. The truth is, I am scared - of failing to make it an actual Masterpiece. It was not explicitly said, but I assume that if my work is not deemed worthy of making me a Master, then I will just remain the apprentice who broke into restricted areas of the theatre. I guess I would be expelled. What would I have left then ?
There is much more to write about lady Eowiel, but I should try to stick to one topic at a time; maybe I will write specificly about her later. Ever since she returned, I haven't really done anything for the Theatre anymore, except work on the piece she requested, and since I can't manage to get the material I need to perform it, that leaves me stuck in this situation for longer I guess. I don't see any of the few others I had brought to the College during this time either, and it feels like we just came back to the original point. But it was made clear to me how it had not been my place to act like this, and I am scared of taking any initiative again. So, I won't act like this again until I get the status required to do so - if I do.

Still, I am terrified of the many things that could go wrong. There have even been talks of closing the theatre to cut on expenses among some Senators. There isn't much I can do, but if it comes to it I know for sure that I will do all I can to make the College keep on living, no matter what the cost for myself. I simply don't have anything I could possibly lose that can compare with losing the only place I can call home.