Perriwig P. Doubleday, perennial rapscallion, is reportedly drawing up a petition, calling on the Senate to mandate and require all articles of wooden furniture trapped within the city limits to be "released back into the wild". Mournful sideboards languish beside enslaved chairs, he argues - perpetually consigned to a tragic proximity to the unwipped bottoms of the citizenry. As if this melancholy scene was not sufficient to provoke tears of empathetic grief, Doubleday than recounts the sorry tale of many a table, reduced to a gravy and beer sloshed state, with scant regard for their "natural rights". Scandalous.
