T
20 years ago
sitting in a circular area, exchanging remarks with several of his newly made friends the conversations hush as they look to eachother for one bold enough to recount the tale
"Does it fall on me to weave a falsified tale of mine own heorics, cleverness, and bravery in the face of deadly danger?" Lukos asked his seated companions with a snort.
with a wry grin and amused expresion on her face Kara offered the expected retort, "Why, yes, yes it does."
Raising a brow and mimicking the voice of an old man offering warning to impetuous youths Lukos retorted," Mock if you will, know you the wrath of my barbed silver tongue you have so heedlessly asked for with this tale!"
with a careless chuckle Kara waved at him to contine, "I did at that…go ahead."
and so did Lukos begin unfolding the tale of the saintly seven.
"it all started with a young blonde paladin....
stricken with the need to indulge in overly-generous activities to his own detriment and perhaps a few other ailments best left unmentioned, the young man, heretofore known as Hal the heroic encountered a slaughtered hin wench..."
at which Kara hastily interjected,"ahem, maiden is probably a slightly better fit"
waving his hand dismissively Lukos muttered with irritation,"who's telling the story here!? AHEM, continuing..."
"said MAIDEN, was also encountered by Lukos the magnificent and several other inconsequential people"
"After a brief inquiry as to the why of things, you know they always have to ask for propriety's sake because you don't want to revive the bane of all existence by mistake afterall, Lukos the magnificent scooped up the small wen-.... maiden's body and headed towards the small town of Jiyyd"
"Hal the heroic, stepping on the heels of Lukos the magnificent in his haste to arrive at town, succumbed to his base urges once the small body was tenderly dumped at the foot of the healing hut"
At which point Hal very pointedly narrowed his eyes at Lukos, saying nothing but looking very intimidating in all his seriousness. Lukos continued, "to Lukos the magnificent's utter shock and great deal of dismay, 'lo and behold Hal the heroic was naked of armaments and armor!"
"what did he do, you wonder? nothing less than selling off his possessions for the maiden he didn't even have the misfortune of knowing!"
"gifted with a warm and big heart, his reasoning capabilities while equally warm were not quite so big, thus began an adventure as any true adventure would begin, with a quest to save a maiden..."
At which Rolan piped in with a clever seeming smirk, "Or an angry dwarf maiden's axe"
continuing with a brief glower of annoyance at Rolan's interrupting," at first finding only adversity and outright rejection, Hal the heroic persisted in his passive manner of beggins alms instead of acquiring the funds through more daring and heroic means"
"doomed to a long and hopeless quest until a young buck by the name of Nate the great came hither from that particular space in the multiverse where people who influence others towards greatness come from"
"gifted with an influential tongue t'wasn't long before an assembled comradery of dwarves and humans bearing all manner of deadly, pointy, and not to mention sharp things were ready to cut down orcs for a great deal of gold!"
"Afterall, nothing provides as much incentive for violence as the potential to earn a coin or several very large sacks of it in this case"
"and so did Kara the charismatic, Jirka the jubilant, and the silver-mirrored mage join with Hal the heroic and Lukos the magnificent, onwards for death and glory into the heart of darkness they traveled.....or into smelly, mean, and ugly orc infested lands at any rate"
"Rolan the robust tagged along, greatswod at the ready, slashing and cutting all who dared stand before his most capable and willing arms" Lukos told on, earning a grin from Rolan.
"Storn the surly, blessed with spells granted by a mysterious unmentionable deity bestowed upon said heroes many an enchantment, ensuring the were not cut down in the first few minutes as they surely would have been and in fact WERE later on..."
"Armed with kegs filled with dangerous gnomish powder mixes, Kara the charismatic and Jirka the jubilant ventured forth under the twisting magics of Storn the surly, invisible save for the faint green gas emanating from Jirka the jubilant's armored arse"
"used to such smells, the orcs proved inept at discerning the varying degrees of horrid stench that wafted under their oft broken noses, ensuring their swift and utter slaughter by means of exploding kegs!"
"Not to be left behind, Roland the robust, Hal the heroic, and Lukos the magnificent arrived at the scene, Lukos at the head of the motley crew needless to say, securing the exit out of the orc infested lands"
"Orcs are known for many things, intelligence most definitely not being one of those, but they are quite good at hitting things that move....hard, no infact VERY hard and so t'was coincidentally not long after the explosion of gnomish kegs that Kara the charismatic and Jirka the jubilant found themselves entertaining a host of angry and quite fierce orcs, tough crowd indeed!"
"Ofcourse t'wouldn't by much of a tale if it was simply the women doing all the heorics; thus, I find myself mentioning the obvious peril Lokus and crew soon found themselves in shortly after the blast created by the kegs. In the ensuing confusion many orcs fell upon yon would be heroes"
"Seeing their demise fast approaching Rolan the robust planted his feet firmly in the ground afore a great hulk of a charging orc, hefting his sword laterally to bar the way and uttering in a terrifying shout "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
much to Rolan's mirth as he quietly admits,"Actually, I was thinking of running, but I like this telling much better. I believe I was too stunned by the charge of the orc to do anything but scream for my mother"
with a smirk Lukos continues, "Lukos the magnificent and Hal the heroic, not to be left out of the fray, used their wits as intelligent adventurers are so often prone to do and circled the massive orc for shots at its ugly behind!"
"Rolan the robust found himself lacking in the latter part of his given name after a few exchanges with the orc and began bleeding in earnest until the mighty mage of the silver mirror appeared in the air before their very eyes"
"hands already weaving a nasty spell, the silver mage finished with a shout and together with Rolan the robust finished off the vicious orc....there was little time for celebration as an orc who also knew a thing or two about casting little nasties arrived at the scene!"
"Trading spells with said mage, the silver mirrored mage o' mighty found himself quickly outmatched and Rolan the robust was still recovering from the swift and savage damage dealt by an orc that would aptly be dubbed a crusher of men"
"Hal the heroic led the charge, screaming with bloody fury in his lords name, smiting the orc time and again in a true show of divine wrath!"
"Lukos joined in the fray, finishing off what Hal the heroic so capably started!" Lukos stated, much to the bewilderment of Hal.
"Can't say I remember those few details" Hal said suspiciously with a blink.
Coming to Lukos' rescue Kara piped in,"might have something to do with your little ceremony"
with a grateful nod to Kara Lukos went on, "all this went on while Jirka the jubilant and Kara the charismatic ran to and fro exchanging blows time and again with powerfully built and skilled orc warriors, they ladies were whirlwinds of death and destruction, but still receiving their fair share of abuses"
"as with any great battle their comes a time of tragedy...such befell Rolan the robust when a clever orc with a very big crossbow discovered our fledgling heroes and began shooting in earnest at Rolan:"
"Fearful of charging and facing the wrath of an unknown, but likely deadlier enemy, Rolan did what any brave but foolish adventurer would, return fire!"
"Needless to say t'was not long before he found himself on the ground staring at the sky wondering if t'was finally the day he drifted off into raging oblivion never to wake again....until a sharp jab from Lukos the magnificent brough the reality of pain and panic back into Rolan"
"Lukos, oh so capable at quite a few things, happened to have herbal healing in his repertoire; thus, did Rolan the robust find himself continuing to be robust for a small while longer, crawling with all do haste the hells out of that death pit!"
"the silver mirrored mage was fast to follow, leaving Lukos the magnificent, Hal the heroic, Kara the charismatic, and Jirka the jubilant to face the grim visage of death....not everyone can walk away from such an encounter unscathed, and this story holds no exceptions"
"finding themselves in desperate need of respite, Jirka the jubilant and Kara the no longer so charismatic, the blood and gore tended to detract from that a bit you see, they retreated close to the exit Hal the heroic and Lukos the magnificent were so capably defending"
an indignant Kara responded with a wrinkled nose "It' s not my fault, I swear blood sticks..." much to the amusement of Hal.
Lukos continued on with a carefully concealed snicker, "The thread of life is as thin as the edge of a blade, so Hal the heroic found and much to the dismay of his comrades....while Hal was busily throwing axes in all his thunder and fury with the gods themselves cheering him on, a sneaky clever and spider like orc came up behind him..."
"The next few moments were like an eternity....turning behind him slowly, smelling the foul breath, seeing the blood shot black hate filled eyes boring down into his skull....the massive arms pulled back fo a stab that would impale Hal the heroic if he did not receive some miracle...."
"Some miracle Hal did not receive and thus was his heroism quickly put to an end, to be precise ON the end of a giant war sword..."
"Stricken with fear at his comrades demise and seeing the crusher of men charging for him Lukos danced backwards, barely staying one pace ahead of the beastly foe, hoping, praying for the intervention of Jirka the jubilant or Kara the no longer so charismatic..."
"intervention did not come from the fearsome little dwarf but in the form of fiery maned fury, so did Kara the blood letter engage four orcs all at once, dancing and weaving, slashing and stabbing, giving far more than what she received"
"thus engaged, Lukos the magnificent became the body courrier once more with poor stricken Hal resting peacably in death on one shoulder"
"Jirka the jubilant fled after delivering what oh so very punishing damage she had time to deal, but with her fury spent her will to live superceded her desire for vengeance at being disarmed by an orc and losing her precious axe"
"Lukos the magnificent considered, ever the foolish would be hero could never abandon a lady in such obvious distress, choosing not to abandon Kara the killer, and so he moved around the battlefield stepping over and around the dead in order to better position himself, striking like the serpent, making ever blow count, timin-....until he abruptly stumbled over the corpse of one of the largest orcs he'd laid eyes on"
"never known for his grace, Lukos the magnificent struggled to his feet with all do haste, growling at his own inept movements when his hand closed on something that radiated pure unadultered divine power!"
"The naked blade of a golden hued axe shone as sunlight played on the magically crafted axe. The blade thrummed with energy, but despite Lukos' most willful attempts it would not be wielded by him, perhaps through some divine intervention or even because the axe was sentient and did not want another to wield it; regardless, it did not belong in the hands of orcs and so did Lukos stow it in his pack and resume attempting to aid Kara the killer"
"Finally finishing off the last fell foe, Kara looked around, blood lust evident in her gore covered features, ignoring Lukos' frantic pleas to flee!"
"Having much better sense than the blood frenzied Jirka the terrifying and Kara the killer, Lukos the magnificent left with his prize and sorrow...the godly axe and riven corpse of Hal the heroic"
"not to be allowed to leave so easily, lesser orcs assaulted him and while normally no match for the swift and deadly Lukos, heavily encumbered as he was it proved a desperate fight for life and freedom as he struggled to win a clear path back to Jiyyd"
"Finally among comrades once more the going proved easy and Lukos arrived at town, axe and fallen friend in tow"
"and so the hin maiden was brought back along with Hal from beyond the veil of death and a well earned respite was given to all our fair heroes save two"
"Jirka the terrifying literally jumped upon poor unsuspecting Lukos the unwary with her hands in a flurry all over him: groping, poking, and prodding in a savage and thankfully brief molestation as she desperately sought the haft of the divine axe strapped to his back"
Seizing upon the wrong haft she pulled, much to Lukos' detriment and the poor unsung hero with all do haste forwarded the correct haft of the axe to Jirka the terrifying, groaning in pain any man could sympathize with"
" so the tale draws to a startling conclusion, the wench saved, orcs slain, and a weapon of the gods retrieved...."
